Ahoy, Bachelor Buccaneers! Arrr, it’s your favorite time of the week, mateys. It’s time for Captain Susan and Captain Emily to man their ships: S.S. Here to Make Cocktails and S.S. Drowning in Bitches. Which ship will sail, and which team will walk the plank? Avast ye! Read on to find out. Remember, dead pageant girls tell no tales (or something). Here we go.

Susan: We’re back in the Bachelor mansion, where the magic happens. Except not this year because in case you forgot, Colton is a virgin. Don’t worry: the show will remind you.

Emily: The Colton cam is not back at the beginning of this episode, and I for one am not mad about it.

Susan: They’ve been hinting at the Miss USA pageant queens’ feud for a couple weeks, and we finally get a taste in episode 3, and it tastes like spray tan.

Emily: And yet we still have no idea what this drama is about, which makes for boring television, but more on that later.

Jump in a hot tub and grab a glass of sparkling rosé, because it’s time for the Book Squad’s inaugural Bachelor recap.

And Susan and Emily are tackling this a little bit differently from your average recap of The Bachelor, so strap in because this is going to be random. This is going to be experimental. This is going to be… THE MOST DRAMATIC BACHELOR RECAP… EVER. Until next week.

So here’s how it’s all going to go down. Susan and Emily are going to break this fabulous group of girls into two Fantasy Bachelor Teams. There will be Team Here to Make Cocktails (Susan) and Team Drowning in Bitches (Emily). Every week, we’ll check in on our girls and tally up points that will arbitrarily be decided upon based on whatever random crazy shit happens that week. There will also be random superlatives given out every week. Also we’ll recap the show a little too, we guess.

So let’s get this party started by drafting our teams. Are you as excited as we are?