Christmas ain’t over ‘til the Nakatomi Plaza Christmas Party goes down, am I right?

Look up the 1988 movie Die Hard, and you’ll quickly discover that the Internet is filled with articles asking the age-old question: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Yes or no? Well, I, Emily Martin, having never watched Die Hard previously before embarking on this 12 Days of Christmas Movies project, knew I had to end the series with a bang. And here it is: today, on the blog, for our final installation of 12 Days of Christmas Movies, we’ll be definitively answering the question once and for all.

And by we, I mean me. I’m alone.

So… is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Let’s take the film through our (my) patented Christmas movie scoring system to find out.

I know I’ve given a brief synopsis of most of these movies, but I’m not here to explain Die Hard to you. It’s a 1988 movie that literally everyone in the universe has seen before aside from me. Don’t play with me. Let’s just get to the ratings.

Romance: 10/10. Surprise! I would actually rate this movie VERY HIGH in the romance movie. And you know what my final deciding factor was? At the end of the movie when Bruce Willis is walking out with his arm around his wife and she’s looking all cozy and pleased with her bloodied-up policeman husband, I said aloud, “Wow, they are about to go home and have so much sex.” At the beginning of this movie, this woman wasn’t even claiming his last name. Now, she’s going home to claim his dick. Probably multiple times.

And no, I know, sexual tension isn’t the only deciding factor into whether something is romantic or not. But it’s definitely one element that’s been missing in a lot of these other movies. Also, in this movie, Bruce Willis is playing your ultimate knight in shining armor. Rescuing the woman you love is romantic. Sorry, I’m still a feminist, but it is. He saves the day and then carries is wife off into the night. A night that is, might I add, littered with Christmas lights.

Morality: 3/10. Eh… I don’t know. It’s kind of a stretch to say this movie has any kind of morality in it. I was more concerned with keeping up with how many bad guys died versus good guys than I was with any moral implications of the movie. Giving it a few points for the fairly diverse cast, by 1988 standards anyway. Deducting a few points because of the gratuitous topless women. Adding one point because Bruce Willis is topless too, so it’s kind of equal opportunity? Deducting half a point because… does any woman care about seeing Bruce Willis topless? Adding back that half point because technically this movie passes the Bechdel Test. Yay?

Music: 9/10. Yes, this movie has FIVE CHRISTMAS SONGS. Including one of the best Christmas songs of all time “Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC. Could it have had more? Sure, but we’re splitting hairs here.

Christmas Spirit: 8/10. Technically, I don’t think terrorism and killing people is included in the definition of Christmas Spirit. But you know what else this movie is about? Bringing families back together. For real. It is. Watch it again if you don’t believe me. God Bless Us, Every One.

Warmth: 10/10. Surprisingly, there was a lot of warmth in this movie, which I guess is part of the reason it has endured over so many years. After all, action movies are a dime a dozen, but this movie has a hero with a heart, a man who is fighting for his family and the wife he so desperately wants to win back. The children just want to come home!

Also, this is a movie about friendship. Bruce Willis starts off his adventure all alone in that tower, crying out for help but not getting any of the backup he so desperately needed. Enter Carl Winslow. Just kidding, his name is Sgt. Al Powell in this movie, but I definitely had to look that up and I definitely called him Carl Winslow while I was watching this movie because I definitely watched Family Matters as a child. For reference and out of respect, the actor’s name is Reginald VelJohnson.

Anyway, enter Carl Winslow. At first, this dude is just trying to get his snack on when he gets called upon to check out what the sitch is at the Nakatomi Plaza. But then he gets involved. He becomes Bruce WIllis’s major advocate throughout the movie. And at the end, before Bruce Willis goes home to bone his wife, Carl and Bruce definitely share a moment. And I thought to myself, wow, these people are going to be friends forever. And we’re probably going to see more of that in the sequel… at least I assume so because I haven’t seen any of these movies. I’m just going off pure friendship vibes. And there were a lot of vibes. And they were warm vibes.

Is it time to score this bad boy?

40/50 = 80%/B-. That, my friends, is a passing grade. Which means we have to give it to Die Hard. It is, in fact, a Christmas movie. Debate over.