Listen: Clare is 39, she’s been to therapy, and she demands *emotional intelligence* from her men. And because of COVID-19 travel restrictions, there is literally nowhere else for the contestants to go but inside their own hearts (ok, or out of their own shorts). Let the games begin between Emily’s men (Team I Just Met My Husband) and Susan’s men (Team Reckless on Instagram)!

Susan: Clare floats in the pool like a goddess, thinking about her first night as Bachelorette. She’s happy about the quality of her men, but she couldn’t sleep because of—you guessed it—Dale. As the men catch up with each other, Eazy says he forgot how to talk to people. Same, dude.

Emily: Chris Harrison enters and congratulates everyone for being there and going through so much. He assures everyone that Clare is very excited about the process, and she’s sure her husband is in that room. And it’s Dale.

Emily: Truly an even split for the teams for this first date. A great start. Let the games begin.

Susan: Clare says, “I know this is a group date, but I specifically picked Dale to be on this date because I couldn’t wait to see him.” We’re five minutes in, and Dale has had 15 minutes of screen time.

Emily: When the guys get to the site of the date, which is likely about 5 feet away from where they read the date card, Clare jumps into Dale’s arms. It’s not a full run-and-jump, but I’ll take halfsies for this one. 2 points.

This date is all about love languages. There are five languages of love, and while most people have a preferred love language, Clare wants her men to be proficient in all of them. We’re starting with words of affirmation. And as everyone knows, you can’t listen to people say nice things about you unless you standing on a balcony like Juliet from Romeo and Juliet.

No, seriously. It looked like Romeo and Juliet. Photo: Craig Sjodin, ABC — No, seriously. It looked like *Romeo and Juliet*.
Photo: Craig Sjodin, ABC

Susan: Putting aside that they look like they’re on the set of a high school play, I actually like the idea of this date. I don’t know Clare, but I get the feeling that “words of affirmation” is her main love language. I also get the feeling that she’s just waiting for what Dale has to say and only hears Charlie Brown’s teacher’s voice when the rest of the men are speaking.

Emily: In response to all of the men’s kind words, Clare gets really emotional. She says she’s not used to men saying nice things to her. If that’s true, that’s really sad for her. But also, I feel like it isn’t? It seems like Benoit had really nice things to say about her and to her when they were on Winter Games together. Why is Clare so desperate for us to feel sorry for her?

Susan: After this, it’s time for gifts. The men sprint back to their hotel rooms to find a gift for Clare in their luggage. A couple of these are cute. Ivan gives her a queen chess piece and keeps the king, Riley gives her a baseball from the last game he ever played, and Dale gives her...dog perfume? What is dog perfume?

Emily: The next one is physical touch. Everyone puts on a blindfold and feels up Clare. Because I guess you can’t touch someone while actually looking at them. I have to say though. The results are kinda sexy. And it’s clear all of these people have really missed touching other human beings.

Susan: Clare does equal parts touching and sniffing on this one. (Is she a dog? Is that why Dale gave her dog perfume?)

Emily: Speaking of Dale, I have to say when Dale stepped up to the plate to feel up on Clare, it was hot. Like pornographic. Like I’m pretty sure Dale has a boner.

Susan: Everyone notices that Clare’s touching of Dale is...different. Jordan calls it “touching on a deeper level.” That’s what they used to call “heavy petting,” my friend. Clare is about to hump Dale’s leg. (Wow, the dog references are writing themselves.)

Emily: Honestly, I think all the dudes have boners watching this touching go down, because when we pan back to them, everyone has their hands in front of their crotches. If we can’t find a picture of this, you’ll just have to trust me.

See what we mean? Photo: Craig Sjodin, ABC — See what we mean?
Photo: Craig Sjodin, ABC

Susan: We’re just going to completely skip over acts of service and go to quality time, also known as the cocktail party that happens on pretty much every group date. I would just like to state for the record—and definitely not for the last time this season—that Clare’s body is absolutely banging. That blue dress looks killer on her.

Emily: Yes, Clare is super hot. We’ll probably say that a lot this season while she’s here. Anyway, Clare gives a toast and thanks everyone for “showing up” or whatever, and then… crickets. None of the guys get up to spend some time with her. I have questions. Is this normal? It’s the first group date. I don’t know if I’d know to just jump up and take her after the toast. I would want to be respectful and see what her plan is. And it seems like overall these guys get along and want to respect one another. But Clare is not having it. She’s pissed no one wants to talk to her. Finally, Bennett, who I have to say is surprisingly kind, funny, and chill (not what I was expecting), says he’d like some time with her.

Susan: Bennett, who is clearly not the one Clare wanted to talk to first, says that the guys were just having so much fun with each other, and that if Clare hadn’t pushed them to talk to her, they probably all would have just kept sitting there. Bennett, my dude, read the room.

Emily: Bennett’s words are going in one of Clare’s ear and out the other, because again (I can’t stress this enough) he’s not Dale. All Clare hears is “Harvard Harvard Harvard,” and meanwhile she’s just thinking, “Why aren’t all of these dudes trying to fuck me right now? Especially Dale?” Clare abandons poor Bennett, storms back to the rest of the group, and tells them, “At the end of the day, I’m a woman. And I want my man to show me you care.” She’s v upset.

Susan: At first I thought this was an overreaction, but I loved that she said, “If you guys all wanna hang out with each other, I can go home and go to bed.” Because very often when I’m dressed up and drinking, I’m just thinking, “How soon can I go to bed?”

Emily: Same. In fact, I usually just skip the dressing up and drinking and just go straight to bed. Married life.

Susan: I thought Yosef’s Instagram DMs were a non-issue last week, but in light of what he’s about to say, I think maybe Instagram was Red Flag #1, and this comment is Red Flag #2: “You’re crazy to think we didn’t all come here for you.” Fucking yikes, bro.

Not the first, second, or hundredth time Yosef has called a woman crazy.

Emily: So I chose Bennett thinking he was going to be drama, but he’s been surprisingly delightful. Meanwhile, I also chose Yosef for the drama, and he has already delivered so much. Thank you for being actual garbage, Yosef, because you provide us with the first big argument of the season. Riley is piiiiissed that Yosef is trying to speak for the group, especially because he calls Clare crazy. After Clare wanders off with Dale (of course), Riley turns to Yosef and says, “There is no we. There is no us. I want to get that across to you. There is no me and you.” I’m awarding 2 points to Riley and 2 points to Yosef for giving us the first drama of the season.

Meanwhile, Clare and Dale have forgotten anyone else is at this La Quinta resort. They make out for 2 points and you can hear Clare’s voice immediately change. She tells Dale that he scares her. Because she’s already so into him. This isn’t exactly Clare saying she’s falling for him, but she basically says she’s falling for him. I’d say that’s worth at least 5 points.

Susan: Clare talks to Zac C. about how she used coming on Juan Pablo’s season as an opportunity to get away from an abusive relationship. She explains how years of emotional abuse took a toll on her and says her voice came out at the end of that season. I freaking love Clare as the lead so far. She’s not afraid to talk about important things like this, and she is really open about therapy and personal growth. More 30-something Bachelorettes, please!

Emily: I agree but also I just want to say there are SO MANY of these guys that I feel I know nothing about. Like who is Zac C? For real I have no idea. I can’t picture him.

Anyway, next up is my dude Riley. He apologizes to Clare for not jumping up to talk to her. She’s secretly like, “Oh, it’s fine. You’re not Dale,” but she refrains from saying it aloud. They talk about prom, and Clare says she never went to prom which is clearly a lie. And I don’t understand why you would lie about something that’s so easy to fact check. Again, why does she need people to feel sorry for her so badly?

Riley asks Clare to dance with her like they’re at prom, and he says they’re dancing to Boyz II Men, and ABC proceeds to not play Boyz II Men. You’d think with all the money they’re saving on dates, they could afford one Boyz II Men song, but no. Anyway, he kisses her for 2 points, and then Clare gives Riley the date rose for 10 points because she can’t give it to Dale every time.

We know who she wanted to give that rose to.

Susan: Meanwhile, cue Red Flag #3: Immature and hot-headed Yosef calls Clare’s behavior immature and hot-headed. He says she “hasn’t been living up to who I thought Clare was.” Yosef’s ex-wife is out there thinking about that bullet she dodged.

Emily: Next up, the one-on-one, and it goes to Jason. Am I surprised? Yes, because I barely remember who Jason is, aside from the fact that he’s on my team. So, yes, I will take those 20 points, thank you. So for this date, Clare gives Jason a really long letter on note cards and asks him to write a letter to his younger self. I guess they’re going to have a therapy session or something.

Susan: Again, I really like this idea for a Bachelorette date. At the end of the day, this show is supposed to help two people who barely know each other get engaged. I like that this date is actually about getting to know someone and talking about real shit. As opposed to, you know, yelling “THAT’S PRETTY!” over loud-ass helicopter noise.

Emily: I hear what you’re saying, but I found this date painful to watch. Yes, this show is all about getting to know people, but if Clare needs therapy, she should just go to therapy. At the end of the day, this felt awkward and forced to me. There are plenty of ways to get to know each other without these weird exercises.

Susan: This is not the first time Clare has written a letter to her younger self. Her letter is super motivational and very Clare-like. I like that she’s her own hype woman. Jason struggles a little more because 1) he never talks about his emotions and 2) he’s talking about his emotions on national television.

Emily: Jason says he’s nervous about sharing because he has a dark past. And I’m sitting here waiting for him to admit he’s killed someone or something. Clare is too. But nothing that dark comes out. I’m a little confused about what his dark past was. His parents didn’t get along? I cannot with this show sometimes.

Susan: I think Clare does a great job of encouraging Jason to be less afraid of opening up by letting him know she accepts his past and his “demons.” Jason doesn’t get super specific about what exactly he saw, but he does say he doesn’t think his parents should be together. And while I hate this for him, this is actually really refreshing to hear on a show where the contestants often idolize their parents’ marriages and act like having married parents somehow makes you better prepared for love than people whose parents aren’t married.

Emily: I love how different our takes are on this date, Susan. Anyway, obviously Jason gets the date rose for opening up (I guess) which means 10 more points for Team I Just Met My Husband. And another 2 points because of course they make out.

In case you forgot who he is, this is Jason.

Susan: Clare has the dress she wore to Juan Pablo’s final rose ceremony. Since it “means nothing” to her now, she throws it in the fire. Which is what we should all do with our “fancy” gowns from 2012.

Emily: This was so extra.

Susan: Ok, Emily. Your team is killing mine so far. Let’s see if my guys can make up for it on the other group date. I don’t have high hopes. From Team I Just Met My Husband, we have Chasen, Joe, Garin, and Demar. From Team Reckless on Instagram, we have Eazy, Blake Moynes, Jay, Brandon, Brendan and Kenny.

Emily: I’m really impressed that you were able to find that information, because we don’t see them read out the date card on the episode. This means that there were a few guys who didn’t get a date this week. But who were they? I could do the math, but I don’t want to because they didn’t get any screen time anyway.

Susan: Listen, I had to do some actual investigating. Anyway, this date is the exact opposite of writing a letter to your younger self. Also, let’s not pretend for one second that it was Clare’s idea to make this “Strip Dodgeball.” This is a classic production move to bring out the beloved black boxes.

Emily: Yeah, as soon as you saw the outfits, you should have known you’d be stripping down to your jockstraps. This had nothing to do with Clare. Anyway, yes, they’re going to play “Strip Dodgeball,” and I’m going to call this the Fred Willard Memorial Date, because this is absolutely the kind of date where they would have brought Willard in, were he still alive. 2020, you cruel mistress.

Susan: Chris Harrison misses a great opportunity to channel Jason Bateman as the weird announcer in Dodgeball, and instead says that Clare must be “looking for a guy that’s got ball control.” What?

Emily: Okay, I kind of chuckled at this because of Chris’s deadpan delivery. Kill me.

Susan: I expect better ball puns from daddy Harrison. The Red Team wins three games in a row, and now the Blue Team has to get dodgeballs thrown at them by former professional athletes while wearing nothing but a tiny blue jockstrap. Is this safe?

Emily: At least Clare makes the Red Team take off their shirts, for fairness.

Susan: While a few of the men on the Blue Team keep their jockstraps on, others take them off and just...get out their dicks. Clare hugs them as they leave to take their walk of shame back to their rooms. Ew.

Emily: When the dudes return to the hotel room with no clothes on, the men who weren’t on the date are SHOOK. You mean you didn’t get to spend time with Clare? AND you had to get naked? But no one is more shaken than (you guessed it) Yosef. You would have thought Clare made Yosef strip naked, talked shit about his daughter, and then punched him in the nuts. He is that unhappy.

Susan: I counted at least three men using hotel throw pillows to hide their balls. Blake Moynes just standing there holding his junk in his ITM is too much for me.

Emily: Could they not just… go get dressed?

If you can dodge the dick, you can dodge the balls…or however that goes.

Susan: Clare is hanging out with the winners (Brandon, Jay, Chasen, Joe, and Eazy) wearing a really great sparkly black dress. Eazy rubs her feet and tells her he appreciates the energy she radiates. Let’s give him 2 points for doing an “act of service” even though he wasn’t on the love languages date.

Emily: Next up is Chasen, whom I had completely forgotten about, despite the fact that he’s on my team. He talks about getting bullied in school. Then he makes out with Clare for 2 points. Because Clare loves a good victim story.

Susan: It seems like Chasen’s solution to being bullied for being short was that he just...eventually got tall. So Blake Moynes decides that since Clare appreciated his rule-breaking moves on night one, he’s going to put on some underwear, comb his beard, and go talk to her even though his team lost. He gets 3 points for being *controversial*.

When all the men confront Blake Moynes, he tries to explain again that he came here to show some balls. Someone responds, “That’s not big balls to me, bro.” The word “balls” is starting to not even sound like a word anymore. I have ball exhaustion.

Emily: Same. Why don’t you tell us about your dude Brandon?

Susan: Brandon. Oh, Brandon. *sigh* Brandon tells Clare he knew he wanted to be on the show once he heard she was the Bachelorette. Clare asks what it was about her that made him want to do the show. And he’s like, well, you’re pretty, but I don’t really know you. This man can’t come up with one single quality about Clare besides “attractive” and “from Sacramento.” He tries to save things but goes even more off the rails when he says, “there are moments between us” and “I know you feel it too.” She informs him that she, in fact, does not feel it and doesn’t want to pursue this any further. She walks him out. He still doesn’t know what hit him. I love Clare. But bye-bye to a member of my team. :(

Emily: I understand why Clare did what she did, but I’m also starting to get the feeling that Clare expects all of these guys to have not just watched but studied her seasons of The Bachelor, Bachelor in Paradise, and Winter Games. Between this and the way she kept asking Jason about Juan Pablo’s season, it was just kind of rubbing me the wrong way. With all of that being said, I’m not saying Brandon deserved to stay. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, Brandon.

Anyway, Chasen gets the group date rose for 10 points because he shared some past trauma, however minor it may have been.

Susan: It’s time for the cocktail party, and Yosef is still talking about Clare leaving “a bad taste” in his mouth. Yosef is so obviously the type of guy that immediately calls you a ugly fucking slut when you reject him on Tinder.

Clare, who looks hot af in that silver/lilac dress, pulls Blake Moynes aside first, giving me a tiny heart attack that my first draft pick is about to get sent home. Instead, she tells him that she thought what he did was “amazing” and she doesn’t want him to worry. She gives him a rose (10 points) and they kiss (2 points).

Emily: Of course, when Blake returns to the room with the rest of the guys, they’re not happy. This is just adding fuel to Yosef’s insanely hot fire. Clare gives no fucks and takes Dale away for the one-on-one time she’s been waiting for. Because it was so damn hot the first time, she blindfolds him again and they make out. We’re giving Dale 1 more point for this make out because it’s sexy as hell.

Susan: We’re left hanging without a rose ceremony but with the promise that Yosef will lose his entire mind in the next episode. Let’s tally up these points.