Emily: This blog post has been a long time coming, but we’ve finally gathered here to discuss Jennette McCurdy’s bestselling memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died. Thanks so much to Jayce, former guest and friend of the pod, for joining us for this chat!
McCurdy is a former child actor and star of the Nickelodeon TV series iCarly. In this book, she explores her difficult relationship with her mother, how her mom manipulated her, forced her into acting, encouraged her to develop an eating disorder, and more.
The book covers very difficult material, but nevertheless the book is reaching a very wide audience. I was interested in reading the book because I have been a huge fan of iCarly (and specifically McCurdy) for years. But a lot of people picking up the book are people who have no previous knowledge of McCurdy and her career. I think that’s so cool because I don’t think that’s something we see often with celebrity memoirs. So I thought I’d start by asking you guys: What made you pick up this book? And why do you think so many people are reading it?
Jayce: I think a lot of people are picking up the book for the same reason I did: they were fans of the show, of our childhood favorite iCarly, and there’s SUCH an interest in the lives of these child stars — especially as these stars contrast with the roles we know and love. What I found when I started listening to the book is that McCurdy is nothing like her iCarly role of Sam, and her story is actually really telling of a toxic culture that can exist around childhood stardom.
Every single detail in her story was insightful, impactful, extremely emotional, and thought-provoking. McCurdy’s complicated relationship with her mother and with herself was something I truly never expected.
I was happy to know that her relationship with Miranda Cosgrove isn’t strained.
Emily: Yeah, as a big fan of iCarly, one of my favorite things about reading this book was hearing that she and Miranda Cosgrove had a real friendship and are still cool with each other.
Kelli: I agree, Jayce. This was a hugely popular show, and it was also recently rebooted with the original cast—but without McCurdy. Her absence caused a lot of backlash (including plenty of racism towards new cast member Laci Mosley, which we don’t need to get into here but needs to be acknowledged just to say: fuck all those people), but it was clear even at the time that not returning to the show was McCurdy’s choice. She has deliberately stepped out of the spotlight since the cancellation of Sam & Cat, and I think a lot of people were curious about why that is.
I think another thing that made this book such a huge success outside of our fascination with the lives of child stars is that so much of the abuse McCurdy suffered was at the hands of her mother. We don’t hear stories of maternal abuse anywhere near as often as we hear about abusive fathers (or abusive men in general), but it’s a real issue. So many people have really complicated relationships with their mothers, but it’s almost like there is a stigma around talking about it—often, I think, from a place of guilt over what we owe our parents, especially our mothers, for raising us.
Emily: I think you’re totally right. And I’m glad this book is reaching those readers who have never seen stories like theirs talked about so openly on the page.
Jayce: She’s even talked about in the press coverage of this book how many people have reached out to her BECAUSE the topic of struggles in our maternal relationships can be so complicated and are under-covered.
Kelli: We also can’t discount the genius of the team that worked on this book and their decision to go all out with the title and cover art. (Note: I do say this as an employee of Simon & Schuster, but this book was not published by the imprint or team I work on so I promise this praise is unbiased!). The title is totally shocking when you first hear it, and that —paired with the image of McCurdy holding an urn —is so dark and hilarious and, after reading the book, absolutely earned. Branding the book this way was a huge risk but it obviously paid off, and I always admire risk-taking in publishing because it’s a surprisingly rare occurrence.
Emily: Yeah, there was a lot of pearl-clutching about the title before the book came out. I really like the title, but I’ve heard a lot of people say that even though they like the book, they wish the title was different. Jayce, how did you feel about this title?
Jayce: The title is one of the things that spurred me to read it!! At first, I thought it was going to be a little clickbait-y, but WOW. The intricacies of her relationship with her mom, and the final few chapters, like in the hospital and afterward, REALLY tied together the title for me. Not clickbait.
Kelli: Yes!! I think there’s also a lot of hand-wringing about how we speak about the dead, and in the book McCurdy repeatedly reminds us that dying doesn’t automatically absolve someone of their sins. I honestly don’t understand how you could read the book and still have a problem with this title, but I have to assume you’re also one of those people that was mad about all the memes about Queen Elizabeth, and in that case, I don’t think we could be friends.
Emily: Obviously, a lot of moments in this book were difficult to read about. I’ve read a lot of memoirs like this that are so brutal, but they can often feel more like personal diary entries that serve the author more than something for the reader. To me, this book struck this nice balance between being a therapeutic experience for McCurdy herself while also reaching out to readers who might be able to identify with some of her experiences. I read this because I like McCurdy, but I think even if I didn’t know who she was, I would be impressed with this book. I feel like she can, like, actually write! Which makes sense because she mentioned in the book that she was more interested in writing than acting.
Which brings me to two and a half more questions for you guys. Question 1 and 1.5: Do you think Jennette McCurdy can write and will there be more books from her?
Kelli: I absolutely think she can write! Something that impressed me in particular was how well she was able to capture her mindset as a kid. It can be hard to write about your childhood in the present without all of your current knowledge and hindsight flooding in, but reading those sections felt like peeking into the head of a young girl who is simply observing and experiencing some really awful things and not realizing how awful they are. As for question 1.5, I hope there will — whether she writes more nonfiction or tries her hand at something else.
Jayce: I think this book was BEAUTIFULLY written, but I don’t know that she could recreate this particular type of book, of course. The rawness, realness, and trauma that she was able to discuss here— I worry that if it would be “recreated,” in a fiction or nonfiction piece, it may feel redundant, unless she can tap into other topics this beautifully. I believe if she could become a writer on a team for a show, it may be a different story. It’s just hard to speak on her potential as a writer because THIS was her big memoir.
Emily: And question 2: Phew there were a lot of difficult moments in this book. Which one(s) stood out to you?
Kelli: Unsurprisingly, the sections about McCurdy’s childhood OCD immediately come to mind. We learn that as a kid, McCurdy hears a voice in her head telling her to complete certain rituals in order to achieve desired outcomes. Raised Mormon, young McCurdy interprets this to be the voice of the Holy Ghost and is convinced that she has to do whatever it says so that she’ll be successful — mostly because she wants to please her mother.
My OCD never functioned this way, as my compulsions are more thought and reaction-based than ritualistic, but I definitely identified with the fact that she was a young person clearly struggling with mental health issues with parents who were refusing to properly address the problem. This comes up with the ED stuff, too, as McCurdy develops an increasingly troubled relationship with weight and food. There are other adults who notice that she’s struggling and who try to communicate this to her mother, but her mom brushes off the concerns and never gets her daughter the help she needs.
Also, the showering stuff was just … really awful.
Emily: Yeah the showering stuff was intense.
Jayce: The pieces that stuck out to me were all related to the manipulation of the mother. From coaching McCurdy into her ED habits, guilting her into work using her own cancer diagnosis, making friends with the paparazzi, and moving into Jennette’s apartment without permission, I think there’s a big mental load that was placed on McCurdy through the book by her mom. Being as close to my mom as I am, I can’t imagine going through something like this with a mother.
Emily: For me, the part that stuck out the most (and made me cry) was when she starts to go to therapy as an adult. And for the first time, she is going back to those moments throughout her childhood and realizing that all of these things that happened to her were not okay. And I think so much of why this has such an emotional impact is because, like you said Kelli, McCurdy does such a good job of keeping us in her childhood brain in those early sections of the book. So when she goes back and reflects on those moments in therapy, we see how much of a shock it is to her as well. All of these things happened to her and as a child, she didn’t realize how messed up they were because she was just a kid. She assumed her mother had her best interests at heart and she didn’t know any better. I listened to the audiobook, and McCurdy starts crying during this part of the book as she’s reading it, so that definitely had an impact on me as well.
Okay … It feels weird rating a book like this, but I did rate it on Goodreads, and I’m sure you both did too. So what did you rate this book and why?
Kelli: I gave this book the coveted five star rating! I was totally absorbed by it. I also listened to the audiobook, which was read by McCurdy herself, and it was so engaging, funny, and sharp. Overall I’m just really impressed by the book and McCurdy on every level, from the bravery it took to put this story out into the world the way she did, the amount of work and self-reflection she had to do to get to where she is now, and the writing itself.
Jayce: I gave this book 4 stars. I also listened to the audiobook, and it was one of my favorite books of the year. Beautifully written, heartbreaking to listen to, and so intimate. Given how much I think and talk about this book after the fact, it should have been rated 5 stars in my Goodreads — I think I stayed at 4 stars because it was a little too heavy for me, in some parts. I’m a mood reader, and I wasn’t quite prepared for that heaviness.
Emily: Like Kelli, I gave this one five stars because of everything mentioned by both of you already. And unlike you, Jayce, I am always ready for a heavy read. If it makes me cry, it’s a good time. LOL.
Anyway, I guess what we’re saying is that if you’re somehow that one person who hasn’t yet gotten around to reading I’m Glad My Mom Died yet, you should totally read it!
Thanks so much to Jayce for joining us, and be sure to check out her blog — The Edit Blog.