Love is in the air, and we will be getting to Krystal and Chris’s wedding in a bit. But first!
Emily: Hi Bach Nation. I just want to start by apologizing for this recap being so late. Frankly, Susan and I are getting BiP fatigue and recapping this show is actually driving us insane. We regret everything. And yet here we are, finishing out this godforsaken show because we have made a promise to you, the people, to bring you this BiP content. So let’s do this so I can go to bed.
Susan: We’re just starting this recap and I’m already tired. Strap in because you’re in for a lot of JPJ in a lot of different moods. Derek is sad about Demi, but he’s moving on by letting people bury him in the sand. Paradise is weird. Meanwhile, Tayshia tells Kristina she’s interested in Derek because he’s established and has his stuff together (read: not 24 years old).
Emily: Kristina agrees that Tayshia should be with someone “solid” like Derek. If “has his stuff together” means not 24 years old, I’m going to take “solid” to mean “can eat more than just chicken nuggets without vomiting.”
Susan: JPJ is secretly in love with Tayshia, who he calls “like a Beyonce but with bigger eyes.”
Emily: I’m telling you, Tayshia is a literal Disney princess, and everyone knows it. Tayshia’s like “there’s more girls coming down…. Is there anyone else you wanted to see?” and JPJ says he doesn’t care. She says he should definitely go on a date (read: I’m not interested in you, so you should move on). JPJ says he can’t say it would be easy to watch her go on a date with another dude. Well, prepare yourself.
Susan: Enter Tahzjuan: Goddess of Chaos. Every time a new person enters, a producer makes Blake tell us if they were or were not at Stagecoach and if he did or did not already fuck them. In this case, Tahzjuan was not at Stagecoach. Glad we cleared that up. Tahzjuan is bringing some energy but I don’t know what kind. She says she’ll step on anyone’s toes she has to, but she also seems on the verge of an emotional breakdown before things even get started.
Emily: I have to say though Tahzjuan is me sweating in that heat. I hate hot weather, and I feel like I would be MISERABLE as well. Anyway, she finds time between fanning herself to ask JPJ on the date, and he’s like, “I should tell Tayshia…” but clearly Tayshia doesn’t care. JPJ says, “Tayshia, I know what I’m looking for. I’m looking for you. But if you really want me to go on this date I’ll fucking do it.” Poor dude thinks he’s pulling a Nicole trying to make Tayshia jealous by going on a date with someone else. Nope. Tayshia is not Clay, JPJ, and you are not Nicole.
Susan: We get way too much footage of JPJ grooming his chest, stomach, happy trail, etc. before the date. What are we watching and why? At dinner, JPJ toasts to his “first Tahzjuan-on-One,” and then laughs maniacally for way too long.
Emily: I feel like JPJ was dehydrated and sleep deprived for this entire week of television. That’s the only way to make sense of his behavior. He also decides to pull a big ‘ol Bachelor no-no and makes a go for the date food. Tahzjuan is horrified. “You’re not supposed to eat the date food!” she cried, like the Bachelor superfan she clearly is.
Susan: Much to Tahzjuan’s horror, he takes a bit of the chicken (?) in front of him and almost vomits yet again. I yelled “No!” at the television.
Emily: Sadly for all of us, Tahzjuan is kind of into it. She says if he vomits, at least they’ll get to shower together? I’m very upset. Speaking of being upset, I’m sure Colton’s not too happy that everyone is sitting around a bonfire talking about what a bad kisser he is while Tahzjuan and JPJ are on their date. Sydney, Tayshia, and Caitlin all agree Colton sucks at kissing. But Tayshia does say he got better towards the end, thanks to her tutelage, so YOU’RE WELCOME, CASSIE. Anyway, back to the date?
Susan: JPJ and Tahzjuan dance to some live music, and JPJ has some really interesting shimmy-like moves. At this point they’re both sweating like Josh Murray eating pizza on a daybed, so they jump into a nearby river and make out. Tahzjuan is in love.
Emily: Yep, in fact, she’s pretty sure they’re going to get engaged.
Susan: Back at palapa city, Caelynn is falling for Dean. Demi and Wells think she needs and intervention and tell her not to trust him because he has a way of making people feel special, but he will hurt her. They essentially talk her into having a “where is this going?” conversation with Dean.
Emily: This stank of producer interference, but I guess that’s the whole point of having Wells there in the first place. Caelynn says, “I didn’t come here to date another Blake.” Girl, did you and Blake date though? It sounds like you hooked up one time and he immediately regretted it, so you might just want to let that one go.
Susan: Despite the fact that Dean was very direct about his lack of desire to be in a relationship, Caelynn doesn’t know what to do. Raise your hand if you can see Caelynn traveling across the country in a van for weeks on end. No one? There’s your answer, Caelynn. Let it go.
Emily: Dean tells her, “All I know is I’m enjoying spending my time with you and I don’t want to spend my time with any other girl while I’m here… but I suck at dating… I don’t want a normal life, and I don’t want to go to dinner parties on Saturday night and talk about our feelings and our emotions. That stuff doesn’t appeal to me.” This is all such crap. When a dude says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you unless you “convince me otherwise,” that your cue to run, honey.
Let’s move on to the next morning. JPJ is wandering the beach in an exhausted and dehydrated haze. Mike asks Tahzjuan how the date went, and she says it was really great, that the vibe was a “more than friends” vibe, and they kissed. She feels pretty confident about where they are, which means it’s time for someone else to show up.
Susan: Haley Ferguson shows up without her twin, Emily. She says Emily has been with her boyfriend for a year and a half and it would be really cool if they both got engaged this summer. Imagine the double wedding they’d definitely have.
Emily: Apparently Mike’s role on the show now is to just ask other people how they’re feeling. Mike, you deserve better than this. Anyway, he asks Tahzjuan how she would feel about JPJ going on a date with Haley, and she says she would not feel good about that at all. So what does Haley do?
Susan: She asks JPJ on the date, and Tahzjuan’s meltdown commences. Tahzjuan says, “We’re both seagulls flying in harmony, and Haley came in and fucked it all up.” And that’s not even the weirdest thing she says in this episode. Tahzjuan is apparently dehydrated (read: got too drunk), and a “doctor” (read: actor) comes in to help. She requests guacamole and this is how I know she’s drunk.
Emily: Haley and JPJ’s date is about as unremarkable as you’d expect a date between two boring blonde people to be. JPJ says he’s mesmerized by her eyes. He slathers her butt with suntan lotion. He apologizes to his mom for macking on a hot woman. He says, “She’s a really sexy girl, man, you know, she’s a woman.” You know, substantial things. Back at the beach, Mike is breakdancing in the sand and I’m about to LOSE IT because why are we not getting more Mike because HE NEEDS TO BE BACHELOR BUT YOU”RE NOT GIVING US ANY MIKE SO HOW IS AMERICA SUPPOSED TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF ABC THIS SHIT WAS RIGGED FROM THE START!
Susan: Meanwhile, Tahzjuan is drunker than ever. She’s spilling her margarita while gesturing wildly, dripping liquid out of her mouth, eating spaghetti in the pool, periodically crying, and screaming into the ocean. This is peak Paradise.
Emily: Post-date, a bottomless (as in, yes, not wearing any pants) JPJ and Haley have a sit down at the bar with Wells and Tahzjuan because of course she’s still drinking. Tahzjuan says, “I’m so glad you’re here Haley. Just kidding I was just thinking can I spit in your wine.” She also tells Haley that she and JPJ are both seagulls and Haley is a pigeon. Haley’s like, “Do you guys need to talk? Can I leave?” She is taking this very seriously though. She tells the cameras, “Does she know that I’m not a pigeon? Bitch I’m not a pigeon.”
JPJ, in an effort to diffuse the situation, says, “I had so much fun last night. I hope you did too. I also had a great time today. I admire you, so just know that what I’m sure of at this point is I’m enjoying our talk right now as uncomfortable as it may be. As a man, I can say I’m physically an emotionally drained right now. So cheers.” Wells is like, “That’s the weirdest toast I’ve ever heard here.” And this is Paradise, so that’s really saying something. Look at Wells giving out superlatives.
Susan: Elsewhere, it’s time for Flirtayshia to make her move. She pulls Derek aside and tells him he deserves happiness like Demi got and that he should stay open to what could happen here. They hug but don’t kiss.
Emily: It’s cocktail party time. Kristian, understandably, is unsure of what this cocktail party means for her and Demi. IDK, girl, because you both being on this show at this point doesn’t make any sense at all. But here we are. Caitlin immediately takes Blake aside to flirt it up, so obviously Blake commences with the only flirtation move he knows: swing dancing. Kristina, understandably, is like, “Uggggh.”
Susan: Blake really and truly does only have this move. He tells Caitlin he’s 100% giving her his rose. But then Kristina interrupts. In her ITM, Caitlin immediately calls Kristina a bitch because, like she said last week, women should always support other women. #girlpower amirite?
Emily: I’m sorry, because I know we’re probably supposed to see Kristina as the villain here, but she’s not the one wandering around calling other women “bitches,” so I’m still hardcore Team Kristina here. GTFO, Caitlin.
Susan: After his conversation with Kristina, Blake tells Caitlin now he isn’t sure what to do with his rose. Caitlin is not long for this world.
Emily: Praise the Lord. Kristina says, “If he really wanted her here, he would have gone after her at Stage Coach.” A much better (and classier) burn than calling another woman a bitch. Just saying.
Meanwhile, JPJ steals Demi away from Kristian so they can hang out and have a playful pillow fight. Kristian freaks THE FUCK OUT because I don’t know if you forgot but Kristian DID NOT COME TO PARADISE TO JUST BE AN OPTION OK. Okay but like… and I know I keep asking this but… why are you here? Also, you’re going to have to let Demi hang out with her friends. It’s pretty clear she has no interest in JPJ romantically.
Susan: JPJ is doing hella cartwheels across the beach and I’m worried he’s going to vomit again. Tahzjuan and Haley are kind of stealing him back and forth, and the pigeon/seagull metaphor has somehow become a discussion. JPJ says Haley has the intelligence of a doctor, so everyone has lost their entire minds.
Emily: I don’t know. At one point, Haley sagely says, “Bitch I don’t know if you know that seagulls and pigeons are just as bad.” And she has a point. Smarts of a doctor right there. While these two girls are fighting over him, JPJ comes to the conclusion that he doesn’t really want either of them JPJ says he can’t deny his feelings for Tayshia, and Tayshia is who he wants. Tayshia and Derek make out and JPJ is sad. What’s happening in other areas of paradise?
Susan: Chris tells Jen he feels good about her and wants to take a chance. Katie tells Chris she only wants to be with him, but everyone thinks his rose is going to Jen at this point.
Emily: I’m bored by this triangle. Let’s look in on Caelynn and Dean. It’s Caelynn’s birthday. She’s 24. What a baby. Dean gets her a cake and everyone sings happy birthday. Dean thanks Caelynn for putting up with him. We have to put up with you too, Dean. Where is our cake?
Susan: It’s time for the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison says he’s changing the rules, but all he’s doing is letting Demi hand out a rose along with the men this week.
Emily: Yeah, this was teased throughout the episode, and it ended up being dumb. Which could really be the description of this entire show: “will tease things throughout the episode that end up being dumb.” Anyway, Demi hands out her rose to Kristian, and ONCE AGAIN, we hear about how BRAVE Demi and Kristian are, this time from Caelynn. What is brave about having a free all expenses paid vacation to Mexico? I’m really confused.
Anyway, let’s get through these other roses. In the biggest shocker of the night, Dylan picks Hannah. Clay picks Nicole. Mike picks Sydney. Dylan picks Caelynn. Blake picks Kristina, and the producers choose to play this weird goofy music that I do not understand. How am I supposed to feel right now? Derek picks Tayshia.
Susan: Since Derek went first, JPJ gives his rose to Haley. Chris then has to choose between two of the hottest women I’ve ever seen, and he chooses Katie. I give it one more episode before they say “I love you.”
Emily: At this point, Dean takes Caelynn aside. And we know Caelynn is a baby because she reminds Dean that it’s her birthday. She’s still young enough to think that terrible things can’t happen to you on your birthday. Bless her heart. This is where we leave the crew on night one.
Susan: Oh lord here we go. Night 2. Back to Dean and Caelynn. He says he didn’t expect to have a connection with someone and the Caelynn is amazing. But. “I know that I won’t be able to get where you need me to be by the end of this.” The only person on Earth surprised by this is Caelynn. She says, “This is dumb.”
Emily: Caelynn says, “I thought he was my forever, and he blindsided me.” ARE WE WATCHING THE SAME SHOW? He told you what he was all about, honey, on MULTIPLE occasions. The hell is wrong with you?
Susan: JPJ’s full breakdown is about to commence. He’s crying on a daybed, and his crying sounds a lot like his laughter. It’s all very hectic. He says it’s hard to see the woman he’s in love with open the door to another guy. He also says, “I’ve been looking for my wife since I was 18,” which seems extreme. Blake tries to comfort him and is like “There there, buddy.” *pat pat*
Emily: Blake is doing whatever he has to do to regain his “good guy” reputation from Becca’s season, even if it means spending his days on Paradise comforting JPJ. JPJ is talking about how he’s been looking for his wife since he was eighteen. Later, he says, “I’m 24, man, I’ve been looking for my wife for 18 years.” I quickly did the math, and… it’s not good.
Susan: A package arrives and it’s an invitation to Krystal and Chris’s aka Goose’s wedding. A lot of Bachelor Nation alum are there, including Becca Kufrin, Kendall and Joe, Ashley and Jared (who also just got married), Ben Higgins, Kevin and Astrid, and Raven and Adam.
Emily: Clay’s freaking out because he KNOWS his ex Angela will be there. And spoiler alert: she’s going to be looking sexy and smug ALL NIGHT.
Susan: Caelynn is constantly on the verge of tears because Dean dumped her, but Connor S. walks in and she recovers immediately. Women seem to be very into Connor, but I think we need to ask ourselves: Is he hot or is he tall? (He’s just tall.)
Emily: Also his vocal fry is out of control. How can this be his real voice?
Susan: JPJ’s spiral continues as guests are seated for the wedding. He calls Derek “creepy” and says he’s manipulating Tayshia.
Emily: More specifically, he says, “Derek is that creepy guy who comes back to the high school parties even though he’s a grown ass man.” And, “Tayshia’s a victim to Derek’s fraud. She deserves much more than that.” And it’s important to note these specific comments because they make no sense and are actually insane.
Susan: JPJ tries to talk to Tayshia and she’s like, not now dude. Because they’re at a goddamn wedding, lest anyone has forgotten this. So, I cried twice during this ceremony. I cannot explain why, but I’m not embarrassed. Congrats to Krystal and Chris.
Emily: Wow, I had a very different reaction. Probably because of the weird ass country song about the bible that was playing the entire time. “I’m far from a preacher but I’m a believer”? What on earth was this song? Oh, and of course it was live, because if The Bachelor can’t include a live concert, then is it really The Bachelor? Also, they had a smudging ceremony, and everyone was laughing. I found this extremely problematic. If you think smudging is dumb, then don’t do it. But don’t do it and then joke about how dumb it is. All of that being said, Krystal was gorgeous, but these other aspects of the wedding left a really bad taste in my mouth.
Susan: So during what looks like cocktail hour, JPJ decides it’s a great time to yell at Derek, who has zero clue this is coming. He calls Derek manipulative and a fraud and accuses him of being in this for fame and to get content for his podcast. LOL.
Emily: For real, how DARE Derek have a podcast. In other news, I’ve been meaning to check out The Betchelor podcast for some time, and now thanks to JPJ, I have. The Betchelor is thrilled about all this free promo’ing they got on the episode last night. JPJ asks Demi if Derek rubbed her the wrong way, and Demi’s like, “WTF no. He’s super sweet.” JPJ, have you not been watching the show? “Manipulative dude” is not the story arc we’re going for with Derek. Get on our level.
Susan: In a weird move completely orchestrated for drama, Krystal and Chris only invite some of the Paradise crew to the reception, and the rest have to go home. Attending the reception: Hannah, Dylan, Caelynn, Blake, Mike, Kristina, Tayshia and Clay. I have no idea how this combination of people was chosen, but it felt like PE class and picking sports teams.
Emily: I hated this so much. Again, it left a really bad taste in my mouth for the wedding in general. I don’t care if it was orchestrated for drama. Krystal and Chris went along with it, and it was tacky AF.
Susan: Now onto the manufactured situation between Clay and his ex-girlfriend, Angela. Clay says it’s hard for him to see her, and when they sit down and talk, he says over and over how much he still cares for her. He puts his hand on her thigh, which I’d be pissed as hell about if I was Nicole. Just sayin’. It kind of makes me wonder of Annaliese was onto something when she said Clay was still stringing Angela along. He does say things that make it sound like he’s not completely out of this relationship…
Emily: Yeah, I don’t give a fuck about this drama at all. I took zero notes about it. Boring. I will say this though: the Kristina/Connor/Caelynn triangle is in full swing. Both ladies find time to flirt with Sir Vocal Fry during the reception. But Caelynn wins out by actually making out with the dude. Good for her, I guess.
Susan: So back at the bar, JPJ is full-on yelling at Derek and giving Derek no space to speak. It’s super frustrating to watch because he just keeps saying “Nope nope nope nope” every time Derek tries to talk. If Tayshia had witnessed this conversation, her choice would be clear. Go with the dude who can talk about his feelings and have normal, calm conversations.
Emily: Uhhh… I think her choice is clear anyway. I don’t think she’s conflicted at all. Derek tries to get a word in, and JPJ interrupts him and is like, “I don’t want to be on your podcast, dude.” On behalf of the entire #BookSquadGoals team, I apologize to everyone whom we have invited on the podcast. We didn’t mean to insult your intelligence by inviting you onto our show, and it will not happen again. Derek’s like, “I don’t care about the podcast. That was just me asking you to hang out.” Wild guess. Derek and JPJ are not hanging out after this show. At this point, JPJ storms off to eat chicken nuggets.
Susan: The next day, Connor walks in, which was pretty predictable because why on Earth would this random dude have been invited to Chris and Krystal’s wedding otherwise?
Emily: Surprise! He has a date card, and both Kristina and Caelynn want it. But Connor only made out with Caelynn, so Caelynn gets picked. Kristina is sad. She feels like Caelynn keeps going after the guys she’s interested in. Like maybe y’all just have the same taste in men? They go on the same date that Evan and Carly went on in which they rub paint all over each other to make “art.” Caelynn’s like, “Connor’s hot. He’s tall. He knows how to paint.” Oh. She also says, “Yesterday I was at a wedding crying over Dean, and today i’m covered in paint making out with Connor.” Good for Caelynn, I guess. Connor’s like, “I’m glad Dean left so that we can hang out, bro.” Caelynn’s all, “Totally, dude.” Spoiler from the previews: we know Dean is going to come back.
Susan: Meanwhile, Tayshia is upset that Clay was so close with Angela the night before and tells Nicole it shouldn’t be this way. She ominously says that if Angela walked in, she thinks Clay wouldn’t be with Nicole anymore. SO GUESS WHO WALKS IN?
Emily: Yoooo it’s Angela. But since I still DGAF, let’s move on to talk about the closing credits scene in which Demi does an A+ Connor impression. See, now I get why Demi’s still here. I guess next week we’ll be treated to more Clay and Angela drama, so good for us. See you then.