We’re nearing the end of Colton’s season, and although it’s hard to focus on anything other than what’s going to happen during next week’s DRAMATIC finale, the beloved “Women Tell All” episode is here to bring us some solace.
(If your idea of solace is 20 women screaming at each other all at once.)Read More
On this episode of The Bachelor, two boring white dudes sit down at a bar in Denver to swap meaningless platitudes about following their guts, their greatest fears, and of course, being on the show for the right reasons. It was quite a riveting two hours of television, and Susan and Emily are here to break it all down for you. Let’s begin!
Emily: It’s the best day of the week! Bachelor recap day! Welcome back everyone for another week of The Bachelor where I just sit here and hope that Tayshia will be the next Bachelorette. Miracles do happen. But first we have to get through this season...Read More
Susan: I’m back, Bachelor bitches! Let’s get this recap show on the road.
Emily: I have to say, I loved having Kelli guest, but it’s good to have the OG Bachelor team back together. Welcome back, Susan! Tell us what we saw here at the start of the show.Read More
Ahoy, Bachelor Buccaneers! Arrr, it’s your favorite time of the week, mateys. It’s time for Captain Susan and Captain Emily to man their ships: S.S. Here to Make Cocktails and S.S. Drowning in Bitches. Which ship will sail, and which team will walk the plank? Avast ye! Read on to find out. Remember, dead pageant girls tell no tales (or something). Here we go.
Susan: We’re back in the Bachelor mansion, where the magic happens. Except not this year because in case you forgot, Colton is a virgin. Don’t worry: the show will remind you.
Emily: The Colton cam is not back at the beginning of this episode, and I for one am not mad about it.
Susan: They’ve been hinting at the Miss USA pageant queens’ feud for a couple weeks, and we finally get a taste in episode 3, and it tastes like spray tan.
Emily: And yet we still have no idea what this drama is about, which makes for boring television, but more on that later.Read More
Jump in a hot tub and grab a glass of sparkling rosé, because it’s time for the Book Squad’s inaugural Bachelor recap.
And Susan and Emily are tackling this a little bit differently from your average recap of The Bachelor, so strap in because this is going to be random. This is going to be experimental. This is going to be… THE MOST DRAMATIC BACHELOR RECAP… EVER. Until next week.
So here’s how it’s all going to go down. Susan and Emily are going to break this fabulous group of girls into two Fantasy Bachelor Teams. There will be Team Here to Make Cocktails (Susan) and Team Drowning in Bitches (Emily). Every week, we’ll check in on our girls and tally up points that will arbitrarily be decided upon based on whatever random crazy shit happens that week. There will also be random superlatives given out every week. Also we’ll recap the show a little too, we guess.
So let’s get this party started by drafting our teams. Are you as excited as we are?Read More
If you’re a true Bachelor fan, you probably already know that villain/fan favorite from Arie’s season Krystal Nielsen has her own Online Fitness Program. If not, then Susan and Emily question your commitment to stalking these contestants post-show. How dare you. Not only have Susan and Emily closely been following Krystal’s Insta and Twitter (oh how we hate Chris R. but also… they look so happy together? The world is a confusing place), but they have been considering attempting her fitness and meal plan.
So When Krystal’s special Fit For The Holidays plan was announced, Susan and Emily, two Bachelor fans who are also super enthusiastic about their health and fitness, had to try it out. How did it go, you ask? Well. We are here to give you the rundown. Illustrated with Bachelor gifs, of course.Read More
He’s the Bachelor no one asked for! These women all look the same!
And yet… here we are. Still excited to watch Colton’s journey to love, so excited that we are SORT OF tolerating all of these bad puns about Colton’s virginity. But not really though. Quick soapbox: VIRGINITY ISN’T A REAL THING. It’s almost 2019, ABC. I know y’all just recently had your first black bachelorette and you feel really proud of yourselves and all. But, like… don’t. You have a lot of work left to do. Like, a lot.
But anyway. That’s enough feminism for today. Let’s judge these women based on their looks and a few superficial details about their lives. And we’re joined by special guest and friend of the pod Bonnie Asato. Let’s do this!Read More