Ahoy, Bachelor Buccaneers! Arrr, it’s your favorite time of the week, mateys. It’s time for Captain Susan and Captain Emily to man their ships: S.S. Here to Make Cocktails and S.S. Drowning in Bitches. Which ship will sail, and which team will walk the plank? Avast ye! Read on to find out. Remember, dead pageant girls tell no tales (or something). Here we go.
Susan: We’re back in the Bachelor mansion, where the magic happens. Except not this year because in case you forgot, Colton is a virgin. Don’t worry: the show will remind you.
Emily: The Colton cam is not back at the beginning of this episode, and I for one am not mad about it.
Susan: They’ve been hinting at the Miss USA pageant queens’ feud for a couple weeks, and we finally get a taste in episode 3, and it tastes like spray tan.
Emily: And yet we still have no idea what this drama is about, which makes for boring television, but more on that later. Read More