We’re nearing the end of Colton’s season, and although it’s hard to focus on anything other than what’s going to happen during next week’s DRAMATIC finale, the beloved “Women Tell All” episode is here to bring us some solace.
(If your idea of solace is 20 women screaming at each other all at once.)Read More
Well, Bachelor Nation, it finally happened: the fence jump heard ‘round the world. That, and Hannah G. gets the shaft in this episode, and we don’t mean the D. What made this “most dramatic episode” so dramatic? Let’s get to it.Read More
Another episode, another Colton shower to get us in the rose-giving mood.
Why must we see him shower every episode? We get it. He’s clean. He works out. My fiancé nearly yells, “Is he just naked and someone is in there with him filming?!” Welcome aboard, fiancé. You’re gonna see a lot of Colton’s wet chest hair if you stick around for the remaining episodes.Read More
On this episode of The Bachelor, two boring white dudes sit down at a bar in Denver to swap meaningless platitudes about following their guts, their greatest fears, and of course, being on the show for the right reasons. It was quite a riveting two hours of television, and Susan and Emily are here to break it all down for you. Let’s begin!
Emily: It’s the best day of the week! Bachelor recap day! Welcome back everyone for another week of The Bachelor where I just sit here and hope that Tayshia will be the next Bachelorette. Miracles do happen. But first we have to get through this season...Read More
Susan: I’m back, Bachelor bitches! Let’s get this recap show on the road.
Emily: I have to say, I loved having Kelli guest, but it’s good to have the OG Bachelor team back together. Welcome back, Susan! Tell us what we saw here at the start of the show.Read More
Emily: Hello Kelli, and welcome back for another week of recapping this BS.
Kelli: Hello. Glad to be back.
Emily: We open up this episode with a graphic of the girls flying from Singapore to Thailand. Demi says that Singapore was a very sexy city. Meanwhile, Colton is showering because basically that’s all he does in his free time. Just showering, playing with big heavy sports ropes, and then showering again.
Kelli: I’m really growing tired of the showers. Do you think they’re doing this to counter the grossness of the fact that Colton doesn’t wear underwear? Like, it’s okay because his junk is clean? It’s not okay, Colton.Read More
Well.. this week was quite a rollercoaster of emotions everyone. We had some high highs and some low lows, so rather than belaboring that point, let’s just get right into it!
Emily: Nǐ hǎo, Bachelor Nation. While Susan is on her very own overseas date in Europe with her boy toy, my friend and yours Kelli will be filling in. Let’s give her a warm welcome.
Kelli: Hello, everyone. It’s me, Kelli, resident Bachelor Nation Newb filling in for Susan while she gallavants through Europe like a real-life Bachelor contestant. There are a lot of things I’m still figuring out about this show, and I have a lot of questions about the things that went down in this episode, but my first question is: can we award Chris Harrison any points? Because he definitely deserves some for calling Hannah B(ama) “Caelynn” in front of this entire group of women. Truly devastating.Read More
Ahoy, Bachelor Buccaneers! Arrr, it’s your favorite time of the week, mateys. It’s time for Captain Susan and Captain Emily to man their ships: S.S. Here to Make Cocktails and S.S. Drowning in Bitches. Which ship will sail, and which team will walk the plank? Avast ye! Read on to find out. Remember, dead pageant girls tell no tales (or something). Here we go.
Susan: We’re back in the Bachelor mansion, where the magic happens. Except not this year because in case you forgot, Colton is a virgin. Don’t worry: the show will remind you.
Emily: The Colton cam is not back at the beginning of this episode, and I for one am not mad about it.
Susan: They’ve been hinting at the Miss USA pageant queens’ feud for a couple weeks, and we finally get a taste in episode 3, and it tastes like spray tan.
Emily: And yet we still have no idea what this drama is about, which makes for boring television, but more on that later.Read More
Welcome back to the land of unfulfilled desires aka The Bachelor: Virgin Takeover. This week, we get not one, not two, but THREE Parks & Rec guest stars to help us through this trying time. Colton goes on his first dates this week -- two group dates and a one-on-one, and we hear for the 5,000th time how and why he has come to be a virgin. Buckle up because it’s only the second episode. We’re gonna hear a lot more non-sexy stories before this is over.
Team Drowning in Bitches and team Here to Make Cocktails face off this week as ladies rack up points for behaving in very Bachelor ways and ticking lots of Bachelor boxes. We also get our first freak-out, our first competition date, a taste of the Miss USA drama to come (hopefully), and some questionable outfit choices. Find out which team “won” week 2 below. Then ask yourself, “Are there really any winners here?”