Susan: Welcome to Mexico, everyone! This is our first time recapping BiP, and we are thrilled to be here with all these hot people (including each other).
Emily: Yes, we are very hot. But I am also terrified by what we’re about to get ourselves into because Paradise is a lot. This could be our first and last time recapping Paradise. We have no plan for this. We’re just going to start talking and see how it goes. So… Susan, why don’t you start us off?
Susan: We get a handful of intro packages up front. I don't think all of these are interesting enough to tell you about, so here’s the quick scoop: A lot of really hot girls are showing up this season, including Tayshia, Hannah G., Katie, and Demi, who we find out has been dating a woman. Blake is ready to find love, and we know he’s going to be a hot commodity because he was a fan favorite on Becca’s season (which I did not watch).
Emily: I really don’t understand how a person just SKIPS a season of this show, but you do you, Susan. I guess I wish I could unwatch Garrett from Becca’s season as well, but the damage has been done. Anyway, in Demi’s intro package, she introduces herself as “Demi from Demi’s season of The Bachelor.” She also has Hannah B from Hannah B’s season of The Bachelorette in her corner, so you know, of course I am here for Demi.
Susan: The lowlight of the intro packages was yet another terrible rap by Cam aka the “ABC” guy. Oh, and Jane, who nobody remembers, drinks hot sauce. Ok then.
Emily: All I can remember about Jane is that Jane is not her actual name. It’s just something she goes by. Why you would go by Jane when that’s not your real name or why you would make hot sauce your “thing” is beyond me. This girl is strange and not in an interesting way.
Susan: Even before Hannah showed up first, I said that y’all need to make my words: Hannah is the Jade of this season. Everyone will want her, and she’ll be in one of the “long” relationships. I’m calling it now.
Emily: Agreed, even though I still think Hannah is boring as hell. But dudes are going to love tiny hot blondes every time. So here we are. While I’m throwing shade at everyone’s favorite Hannah G, I want to take this moment to also say I’m worried about how far up her butt her jorts are. I’m getting a yeast infection just looking at them. Yes, I went there. But, you know, despite the crotch of her shorts being inside of her hoo-ha, Hannah is optimistic. She says, “I feel like they blessed this whole sand with good relationship energy.”
Susan: Blake is the first guy, which is also no surprise. Tells Chris he’s “met a lot of the women” along the way. Which definitely means he’s banged several of them in the off-season. (Omg did I just say “off-season” as if Bachelor shows are a professional sport?)
Emily: Susan, they ARE a professional sport! I found myself wondering recently what I’m going to do with all of my free time when The Bachelor and its franchises go off the air from September to January. And then I remembered, oh yeah perfect. That’s just in time for football. I’ve really got my life all figured out.
Susan: Next we get Katie (looks beautiful), Dylan (kind of forgot about him), Sydney, Derek (of Derek and Taylor, RIP), and Tayshia aka Flirtayshia. It seems clear that Tayshia will also be a major player this season.
Emily: Some thoughts on this group: Katie seems really great, and I’m hoping she gets some air time. I’m still not over Derek and Taylor breaking up, but whatever I guess I hope Derek finds love. Finally, omg get it Firtayshia. I am here for this queen. Before heading to Paradise, Tayshia’s dad was all, “Mexico is hot. Wear a turtleneck. Full piece swimsuits. None of this two piece stuff.” Despite pinky promising, Tayshia is not going to play by these rules.
Susan: Kevin shows up and Dylan asks the only natural question: “Dude, why you so big, dude?” So big, you have to dude twice.
Emily: Next we get Wills who is still my fave dude. I’m just saying if I were on this beach, I would be hitting up Wills. Though I am glad he has dyed his hair dark again post-show. No one else seems interested in Wills though. Everyone’s just waiting for Demi to show up. And what do you know? She’s next. Solid editing, my dudes. Next up, we hear the sound of a bullhorn which can only mean Onyeka is heading down to the beach. I really hope she doesn’t try to revive the “Drowning in Bitches” line. I know it was the name of my fantasy team that season, but that shit is played out now.
Susan: We knew Cam was gonna be here, but I was really enjoying these peaceful, creep-free moments before he showed up in a leopard-print top and honestly said “Always Beach Cam.” That doesn’t even mean anything.
Emily: I was just thinking maybe it’s, like, beach Cam, like beach is a verb? Like beach him like he’s a whale? It still doesn’t make any sense, but I am trying to make words mean things, which is more than I can say for Cam most of the time..
Susan: I don’t know what my boy John Paul Jones is ~on~, but he is JAZZED to be here. He arrives in only a Speedo, as we all hoped he would, and full-on sprinted straight past everyone and into the ocean. I’m so happy he’s here.
Emily: Chris Harrison suggests JPJ go by Juan Pablo in Paradise, which seems like a dumb idea. I’m actually really surprised Chris Harrison was even able to bring up the name Juan Pablo without exploding with rage. Anyway, Onyeka hops aboard the JPJ train almost immediately, but JPJ doesn’t seem to be feeling it. In fact, he purposefully avoids eye contact with her when she’s speaking. He tells the cameras, “Onyeka’s definitely a friend at this point. I have some other people I want to talk to.”
Susan: Chris B., the poor man’s Gerard Butler, is here and his chyron is my favorite thing because it lists every single season of every show he’s been on. Cam is like, “I was a big fan of yours growing up.” For the record, Cam is 30 and Chris is 32. Doesn’t it seem like Emily’s season was like, 15 years ago though?! (Also, I miss Bachelor Pad. That show was good.)
Emily: I’m just saying if you like Bachelor Pad, then Love Island might be your jam. UK though. I don’t fuck with the US version.
Susan: Several people arrive with pretty much zero introduction. I just looked up and noticed Jane and Annaliese were there. Oh and Clay. Annaliese is already mad at Clay because she’s friends with his ex and feels Clay has still been stringing her along. I have zero interest in this storyline.
Emily: Also Bibiana is here. And I’m like girl why are you doing this to yourself?
Susan: Everyone is like, “There’s no drama so far! This is amazing!” and then Caelynn walks in, so we know that some shit is about to go down. She wastes zero time, letting Chris Harrison know that “Blake’s not my favorite person” before she even gets down to the beach.
Emily: Blake lays eyes on Caelynn and is immediately like “Aw fuck I gotta get outta here.” This seems bizarre because certainly he knew she was going to be there. I really feel like he should have considered his game plan. Like just a little bit.
Susan: Chris gathers all the campers -- er, contestants -- around and tells them that the men will be handing out roses first and the dates are starting tonight.
Emily: As a word of warning, Chris Harrison tells the contestants, “The rules are simple: be in a committed relationship, or go home.” So this is basically The Lobster. I’m pretty sure all couples who don’t get engaged at the end of this season get turned into animals.
Susan: Blake gets the first date card. Hannah and Blake seem to have been spending some time together, and everyone thinks it’s a given that she’s getting the date.
Emily: You know who’s the most excited that Blake asked Tayshia on this date? Dylan. He’s got it for Hannah BAD. And he’s not sure he can compete with BiP’s hottest commodity Blake, so he’s “shipping Tayshia and Blake right now.”
Susan: Blake and Tayshia go to dinner in a room FULL of string lights. I’ve never seen so many string lights. What is this?
Emily: Reminds me of my bedroom in middle school, which just screams romance. But anyway. Blake’s like, “Were you SO SURPRISED I asked you out on a date?” He knows all the girls are into him, and it’s not a good look. He’s gloating about how excited Tayshia was to get asked on the date. Meanwhile, Tayshia looks like a literal Disney princess and she deserves better than this.
Susan: They talk about what they want in a partner and both say they want kids in the future. They’re into each other, but this is honestly pretty boring. Of course this mysterious string light place also has a hot tub, in which Tayshia and Blake make out. Duh.
Emily: I’m going to go out on a limb and say the dates are always the most boring part of BiP. Except for that one time Kalon took himself on a date (the good ‘ol “one on none). That was television gold. Back at the resort, Dylan continues to be TOO MUCH. He tells Hannah he’s very into her. Ya, WE KNOW. These two very normal boring people are comparing awkwardness to see who’s more awkward, and then suddenly they’re making out. It’s very clear Dylan cannot believe his luck right now.
Susan: Meanwhile, Caelynn is getting progressively drunker and telling anyone who will listen (but most strategically, Onyeka, who just wants to stir shit) the following story: She and Blake were “talking” romantically for a few months, and then they decided to just be friends. Then, a few weeks (?) later at Stagecoach, which is apparently a country music festival and sounds like a nightmare, they had sex and spent the night together. Caelynn said that the next morning, he was DMing Hannah G. and talking about how hot Tayshia is while they were still in bed together. And he told her that the night before this, he’d had sex with Kristina, someone he also previously dated for a few months. Whew. Got all that? Good. Because you’re gonna hear about it for another three hours.
Emily: I hate to say this, because obviously we should believe women and I’m with her and all that stuff. HOWEVER, with Caelynn’s track record of lying and telling half truths on her season of The Bachelor, I hear all this and think, okay, this is a version of the story. Does this mean Blake isn’t trash? No, of course Blake sucks. But was Caelynn victimized to the level she’s trying to act like she was? IDK, bro. The next morning after their date, Tayshia is really excited about Blake and feels like the date went well. She says, “He’s a sought after guy, and half the girls want to date him and pursue him, so I’m excited.”
Susan: Oh, and speaking of Kristina, she’s here! Because of course she is because ABC knew all of this info beforehand. Welcome back to paradise, Kristina!
Emily: Kristina tells Chris she dated Blake and she knows he hooked up with Caelynn. She says she let a guy walk over her before (we all know she’s talking about Dean) and she’s not going to let it happen again. When she walks down those steps, Blake looks like he’s ready to pass out. Blake says, “Oh yeah, I’m happy to see her. We’re friends.” OK, dude. As soon as Kristina announces she has a date card, Cam jumps in immediately. He says this could be his future wife and she could be an amazing mom. Not a chance. Kristina is here to take Blake on a date. I’m V DISAPPOINTED in Kristina right now. I thought she’d learned her lesson. She says this is a “revenge date,” but unless she cuts off his balls on this date, I call bullshit. Anyway, we have to wait for night 2 to find out what happens because ABC hates us.
Susan: Night 2 begins and somehow it is only Night 2. The one saving grace is that we get the “Almost Paradise” intro song.
Emily: Overall, the intros are kind of boring? Half of what I do throughout the regular Bachelor/ette seasons is imagine what these guys’ Paradise intros are going to be. So I expect greatness. Kristina spilling the tea and Chris with a walker are highlights. But that’s about it.
Susan: Onyeka is enjoying the Caelynn drama too much. She absolutely has to be involved and is loving being the one telling people about it. Sit down, please. Before Blake’s date with Kristina, he pulls Tayshia aside to let her know that his time with her was “amazing” and he’s just trying to be open. She really likes this and seems totally smitten.
Emily: Blake tries to explain to the cameras what happened between him and Kristina. He said they tried dating, but the timing was off (in other words, he realized a lot of girls were into him and it would be dumb to settle down when he could sleep his way through Bachelor Nation). As for the date they’re about to go on, he says, “To be honest, I don’t know why she picked me.”
Susan: For a hot second, I thought Kristina was legitimately trying to kill Blake by driving that off-road vehicle over the side of a cliff.
Emily: I really wish she had. When she said this was a revenge date, I was picturing a Quentin Tarantino movie. I wanted her to Kill Bill his ass. Kristina says “what happened with Caelynn was just a slap in the face for me.” She says, “I thought I deserved better and I expected more of him.” I don’t understand… were they dating when he slept with Caelynn? When does the revenge start happening?
Susan: I’m a little confused too. It sounds like they were clearly not in a relationship when any of this went down and that it was understood by both of them. Is it going to look great to other people if you sleep with two different women two nights in a row? Maybe not. But did he technically do anything wrong here? I don’t really think he did? Like, you can be bummed out that a guy you like slept with someone else, but you can’t just write him off as a terrible person for having sex with someone while he was single. Am I being too harsh? Am I missing something?
Emily: No, I 100% agree, and this conversation between her and Blake went nowhere. If she did have a legitimate thing to be angry about, then she didn’t do a very good job of communicating it to him. I’m a Kristina stan and I am at all times ready to come to her defense, but I was having trouble doing so on this occasion. Blake asks Kristina if she has feelings for him romantically because it would make more sense for her to be upset if she had feelings for him. I hate to say he’s not wrong, but he’s not wrong.
Susan: So when they get back, Blake is very casually like, “Hey Caelynn, we haven’t gotten a chance to talk!” and he has no idea she’s about to drop an emotional atom bomb on him. She seems clearly hammered because this is drunk crying if I’ve ever seen it. She’s upset that he’s ignored her and she said she feels like a “dirty secret” because he called her a mistake.
Emily: Again, I SINCERELY doubt Blake called Caelynn “a mistake.” Did he maybe say them hooking up was a mistake? Probably. But did he say, “Caelynn, you were a mistake.” No, that sounds like some dramatic ass Caelynn bullshit. Also he’s TRYING TO APOLOGIZE and understand where she’s coming from and this girl is too deep in her self-pity spiral to listen.
Susan: I’m not saying Blake is 100% innocent because we’ll never hear the phone call they had, but he does seem genuinely completely taken aback by this because he thought they were on the same page. He also seems genuinely upset that Caelynn is this hurt.
Susan: Basically every girl there now thinks Blake is terrible because they’ve heard Caelynn talking about it nonstop. Hannah calls this “polygamy summer camp” and holy shit I want that on a t-shirt.
Emily: While Blake and Caelynn are talking, Kristina explains the situation to Tayshia. Kristina says she’s not upset about him having sex with someone else but she was upset that it was the night after hooking up with her. Tayshia, understandably, is like, yo, this is too much drama and I’m out.
Susan: Ok so Dylan is basically ready to marry Hannah, and he’s way too eager right now. But Wills also came here for Hannah, so he’s ready to shoot his shot. He pulls her aside and tells her she’s a dope girl and then just goes directly for the makeout. It was bold but I don’t think in a good way.
Emily: I love Wills so much and I want all the best for him. But I really don’t see him and Hannah working out on any level. For one, Wills actually has a personality. When they make out, there is very little in the way of chemistry. Still, Wills seems pleases and I’m just like, oh no. Hannah immediately goes and tells Dylan that she made out with Wills. Dylan isn’t happy about it, but he also knows they’re not in a committed relationship. So thankfully, although Dylan is way too keen, he isn’t delusional.
Susan: Nicole and Bibiana are both into Clay, but Clay picks Nicole when he gets the date card. Annaliese decides now is a great time to confront Clay about some shit that doesn’t even involve her.
Emily: This pissed me off so much. I was yelling at the television screen, “THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!” And this is basically what Clay tells her but in his meek Clay-style way. Clay calmly explains, “Me and Angela have been done for months, and I’m looking forward to building a relationship, and I just want to focus on myself.” Annaliese is crying hysterically. Can we say “projecting”? This is not really about Clay is it, Annaliese?
Susan: Clay and Nicole go to a carnival-esque thing and play games and ride a mechanical bull. They’re flirty and cute and seem genuinely into each other. The make out under fireworks. I ship it.
Emily: Back at the bar, Annaliese is explaining to Demi why she told off Clay. Demi does not seem impressed in the slightest. She tells Annaliese, “Why did you say something? Find what makes you happy and don’t worry about other people.” She says Annaliese has only heard one side of the story, and this has nothing to do with her. THANK U BOO. Demi says, “There might not be a worse judge of character when it comes to men… than Annaleise.” I mean yeah, remember when she thought she was going to get engaged to Kamil last season? LOL.
Susan: Blake tries to apologize to Caelynn who doesn’t seem to be having it. She wanders off to try to secure a rose really quickly from the easiest of all targets: Cam. She feeds him some bullshit about being interested in him and they kiss. They actually kiss.
Emily: I’m traumatized. I didn’t want to see this. I didn’t need to see this. Caelynn, why? Onyeka and John Paul Jones are also making a love connection. They make out, and JPJ is like, I need Onyeka here. They are so drunk.
Susan: Blake is in a full panic about how bad he looks. But some of this does seem to also be about the fact that he hurt people and didn’t know it. There are parts of this where I feel really bad for him. I’m not saying he’s never ever acted like a fuck boy because he probably has, but I do feel bad for him here.
Emily: Okay, yeah, I do think he feels bad about hurting people. But I feel like most of this is because of his “reputation” and the way it’s going to hurt his family, etc. I don’t want to get into it, because I’m honestly setting into Caelynn/Blake fatigue right now, but if you want to read about the social media mess that went on over the course of this week, you can check it out here.
Susan: Wills pulls Hannah aside, and she rejects him as gently as possible by saying her heart is pulling her somewhere else. In his ITM, Wills cries a little and it breaks my heart into a million pieces.
Emily: Seriously, why is no one into Wills? He is such a cool guy.
Susan: Blake pulls himself together long enough to make a little picnic for Hannah to tell her that he came here for her. (You might recall he picked Tayshia for his date but ok.) They make out. For the second time this week, Hannah has to tell Dylan, who is fully in love with her, that she kissed someone else. Dylan looks like he wants to die.
Emily: Elsewhere on the beach, Jane is making a last ditch effort for John Paul Jones. Except she keeps calling him JP and THAT IS NOT HIS NAME. But her worst offense is serving him a taco that makes him uncontrollably retch for what seems like an uncomfortably long time. I guess any amount of time gagging and vomiting is uncomfortably long.
Susan: Annaliese and Kristina are both going for Chris B.’s rose. I feel like this pursuit is a lose-lose.
Emily: Either way, I’m fairly certain Chris will go for Kristina. Because duh. Chris is like Annaleise is great but Kristina is a breath of fresh air. Also Kristina’s dress is super cute and I’m going to buy it.
Susan: I hope next week we don’t have to talk about Blake or Caelynn or Kristina. Bring on the new people and for the love of all that is holy, give us a rose ceremony.
Emily: Seriously, I would love to get some more viable love candidates on the next episode. I feel like the hierarchy in Paradise is worse than it normally is. I feel like this would be more fun if there were more people on equal footing. I guess we’ll see how it goes.
Best “Almost Paradise” Gimmick: Chris B. and his old-man walker
Best Paradise Outfit: Wills and that pastel/palm tree shirt
Hottest Makeout: Tayshia and Blake
Creepiest Makeout: Caelynn and Cam
Most “I Ship It” Couple: Nicole and Clay
Eagerest Beaver: Dylan
And that’s Week 1! We’re exhausted, but we’ll be back next week!