Emily: Yes, we’re back, everyone, with another (belated) Bachelor recap, but the important part is we’re here, and we’re getting it done. And we have two episodes to get through this week. Eek! So let’s just dive in because there’s a lot of drama to break down from last week’s episodes.

Kelli: I really don’t understand their reasoning for doing two episodes this week. It feels random and like it was designed specifically to torture us. They better not do this shit again before the finale. 

Emily: It’s still kinda early in the season, but already we’re bored of California, so Joey and his ladies are heading to Malta, which, yes, is in Europe. Joey tells the cameras that he’s pretty sure his wife is in Malta somewhere. 

Kelli: Joey is already being roasted online for saying Malta has “that old school vibe to it,” but you know what? He’s not incorrect. The city is old. He also makes a pun that was clearly written by producers — something like “Before I go to the alta, I gotta go to Malta.” He then does a thumbs down and boos at the camera, prompting the producers to include a note about how they will do better next time. Lol.

Emily: The first date card arrives, and it’s for Lexi (20 points for meeeee). Quick side note: I know that The Bachelor is formulaic and we are used to hearing sob stories on every date now, but it really seems like we’ve gotten to the point where contestants feel like they HAVE to share a sob story on their 1-on-1 or they’re not doing the show right. Lexi knows as soon as she gets the date card that it’s time to tell Joey about her endometriosis. But as the formula requires, she will have to wait til the night portion of the date to do it. 

Kelli: It will surprise no one to learn that the women did not leave the drama in LA. Many of the girls are frustrated that the drama has taken up so much space, but Sydney is not going to back down. She talks about how this drama has negatively affected her health, how she’s exhausted and drained and her stomach hurts and her skin is breaking out. I’m sure all of this is entirely due to her conflict with Maria, and being on a show where she’s forced to stay up until dawn several times a week while traveling internationally and drinking like a fish is not at all to blame. 

Emily: Meanwhile, Joey and Lexi are wandering around Malta. As is tradition with these “explore the city” dates, some weird old couple comes up to them and asks them if they’re married. Definitely unprompted. Also unprompted, a priest comes up to them in a church and tells them that the only way to have a happy marriage is to have kids. Which seems like a completely normal thing to say to two random strangers.

Kelli: The priest also tells them to consider naming their first child Paul, because the church is St. Paul’s. Again: normal.

All this talk about children named Paul is making Lexi even more nervous to share her story with Joey. But then evening rolls around and it’s time for their dinner date, which means it’s time to cry. Lexi tells Joey about how most of her adult life has been entirely devoted to working, and how a couple of years ago, after moving from California to New York, she was starting to feel unwell. It took a while for doctors to figure out what was going on with her, but eventually she was diagnosed with endometriosis. She explains the condition to Joey (I’m not going to get into it here but you can use Google if you don’t know about it), and says that while she had a successful operation to remove scar tissue, the doctors told her that she might not be able to have children. 

Emily: I was honestly really surprised Joey didn’t know what endometriosis was. Men are truly clueless about women’s bodies.

Kelli: Apparently, Lexi’s ex BROKE UP WITH HER when he found out that she wouldn’t be able to have children. I can’t even deal with how fucked up that is. Joey seems equally horrified by this information, and he tells Lexi that something like this would never make him run away from her, and that there are a lot of ways to start a family. I appreciated him saying that. He gives Lexi the rose for 10 points. In addition to the 5 points she gets for sharing her sob story, she gets another 2 for crying when she talks about how validated she feels.

Emily: Surprising no one, Sydney and Maria will be going on a 2-on-1 date this week. BUT FIRST, we’ve got a super fun group date to go on. I’m a little confused about the theme for this group date, aside from the fact that they’re in Fort Manoel. Joey explains to viewers that this is where Game of Thrones was filmed. Specifically (spoiler for season 1), this is where Ned Stark got beheaded. Thanks for the spoiler, Joey.

Kelli: That one is on the producers and editors, though. They decided to keep in the spoiler. Also, if you weren’t watching Game of Thrones while it was on, are you really going to start now?

Anyway, did you know ladies can be knights too? They can, and that’s what this date is all about. The women get knight costumes and do some things that knights definitely did, like stare into Joey’s eyes one at a time to “show him their souls.” 2 points each for Daisy and Kelsey A who both manage to steal kisses during this part of the challenge.

Also worth mentioning: Joey is dressed as a shirtless knight. Is this historically accurate? He describes the attire as “half-naked Roman soldier” and also refers to himself as the “fun-sized Bachelor.” I love him.

Emily: I think the “highlight” of this date was the sausage wheel. And by “highlight,” I mean I will be having nightmares about this date for weeks to come. At least Joey is game to participate with them. Ugh why is Joey making me like him? I hate this for me. 

But anyway, back to the sausage wheel. It’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s a rotating wheel of sausages and the ladies (and Joey) have to try catching the sausages in their mouths without using their hands. Some people are using their hands, however, and Edwina is not here for it. 2 points to Edwina for always keeping it real and calling out other people’s BS. She has become the voice of reason on this show.

Kelli: There is a lot of slow motion footage of women being slapped in the face with sausages during this challenge. I think if they had cut even half of the sausage wheel footage, we could’ve had just one episode this week.

Emily: Agreed. This season is a nightmare for vegetarians. For some reason, Autumn wins this challenge (5 points). I have no idea why. The only criteria for challenge winners seems to be women who are not going to get any 1-on-1 time with Joey otherwise. They make out for 2 points, but I think even Autumn knows this is as far as things are going to go for them.

Kelli: To be fair to Autumn, she did actually catch a flying sausage between her teeth.

During the night portion, Joey shares many small moments with the women. Daisy makes her first misstep of the season by sharing that she would like to name her children “Coco” and “Ocean.” Rachel gets to see Joey in his glasses. Jess tells him that she felt an instant connection with him (if these two have had a conversation of actual substance it is yet to be seen) and they kiss for 2 points. She also says she “can feel herself falling for him” — does this count for anything?

Emily: I think this only counts when the lead says to the contestant that they’re STARTING to fall in love. It doesn’t count when the contestant does it, unless they go full in on falling in love. Jess isn’t there yet. And we all know Joey is never going to be there. Sorry, Jess.

Kelli: Kelsey T and Joey talk about what’s important for them when it comes to partnership. She tells him that she needs to see actions. Is kissing an action? Joey thinks so, and kisses her for 2 points. To camera, he says that his heart flutters when he talks to her, and he ends up giving her the group date rose for 10 points (also an action). I’m holding out hope for my girl.

Emily: I’m really starting to fall for Kelsey T, and it looks like she’s going to get a 1-on-1 date next week, so I’m excited for her. Get your man, girl.

Okay, time to get to the showpiece of this episode: the 2-on-1. Both Maria and Sydney get 10 points each for this 2-on-1, so yay for both of us, I guess. Unsurprisingly, neither Maria nor Sydney are excited about this date. In fact, Sydney says spending the day with Maria is like spending the day with the devil. 

Kelli: For this date, Maria is wearing a gorgeous yellow sun dress that makes her look like an actual goddess. By contrast, Sydney is wearing an outfit cobbled together from various thrift store finds. While I normally love a vintage fit, my negative feelings towards Sydney are making me feel a certain type of way, and the type of way that I feel is that this outfit is ugly. 

Emily: You are not wrong.

Kelli: They start out on a big boat and then join Joey on a tinier boat because they’re going to explore the Blue Grotto. Joey claims that he has a fun day planned for them in spite of the awkwardness, which is what a lead always says at the beginning of the 2 on 1. Maria is trying to make light of the situation and maintain a positive attitude while Sydney is being a drag. I’m fully biased at this point. I don’t care.

Emily: I think we all are. It’s clear that Maria is just trying to focus on her connection with Joey. And by contrast, I don’t know if Sydney even knows who Joey is. Sydney says she has stomach issues from intense stress from worrying about Maria attacking her. Why is she so obsessed with Maria? Plot twist: maybe they’re both lesbians and this is an enemy-to-lovers story. Maybe they’re going to come out of the other side of this grotto madly in love.

Psych! Sydney only has eyes for destroying everything. In her one-on-one time with Joey, she tells him that Maria is the WORST and a bully and she told Lea to “shut the fuck up.” Joey is horrified.

Kelli: Joey talks to Maria next. He flat-out repeats Sydney’s claims, and Maria is shocked because according to her, she would never tell someone to shut the fuck up. I’m not sure if I totally believe that, but I do believe that in this scenario she didn’t actually say that. We’ve seen Sydney’s ability to acrobatically twist words and phrases to fit the narrative she’s constructed, so that’s probably what’s happening here. Anyway, Maria is pissed to be here and she’s honest with Joey about that. She asks if he’ll be able to look past all of this, and he says he honestly doesn’t know.

Emily: Yeah, I think at this point, all Bachelor contestants know that the 2-on-1 is the kiss of death. Whether you make it out of the other side or not, your days are numbered. You’re not getting picked at the end. And you’re not going to be considered for the lead. So I very much understand why Maria is pissed.

Maria goes back to confront Sydney and tells her, “You know there are cameras, right?” Which makes me believe Maria even more than I already did. I wish somebody would roll the tape. 

Kelli: At this point I’m going to assume that they can’t roll the tape because the tape does not exist.

Emily: Anyway, 2 points to Maria for being straight up and honest, as always, and 2 points to Sydney for being a flat-out liar. This is how points work. Both extremes get rewarded.

Kelli: For dinner, both of the women are wearing stunning dresses, so unfortunately I can’t roast Sydney this time. Joey says that tonight isn’t about trying to get to the truth of the matter, because he knows that’s not going to happen, and he’s decided it’s more important to choose based on the strength of his connections with the women. I feel like I haven’t really seen a bachelor approach a 2-on-1 decision with this outlook before, and I found it refreshing. More bachelors should be willing to admit that they are not professional detectives.

Emily: Joey turns to Sydney and is like, “Do you even like me?” Sydney lies again and says their connection is meaningful and that’s why she feels so strongly that Maria is a bitch and should be eliminated. Sure, Jan.

Meanwhile, Maria (again, being honest) says she’s not so sure of their connection after this because it hurts to be on a 2-on-1 and have him question her like this. Valid. Also, Joey loves being negged. We need more men like this.

Kelli: Obviously, Joey gives the rose to Maria for 10 points. He walks Sydney out. In her final ITM, Sydney says Maria sucks. Counterpoint: Sydney sucks.

Emily: Sydney’s only redeeming moment is that she says she can’t wait to go home and see her cats. For a moment, it made me sympathize with her. I also get grumpy when I can’t see my cats for days. 2 points to Sydney for being a cat lady. But we’re still glad she’s gone.

As Sydney makes her way back to her cats, Joey and Maria get serenaded (this counts as a private concert - 5 points). The song is “Ave Maria,” which made me wonder what the song would have been if Sydney had received the rose. “Ave Sydney”? Not hot.

Kelli: Back at the house, the women see Sydney’s suitcase get carted out and they all respond dramatically as if it wasn’t super fucking obvious that Joey was going to pick Maria. Lea cries (2 points) because Sydney’s gone. Don’t worry, she’s going to get more annoying.

Emily: How the mighty have fallen. I’m telling you, on The Bachelor, the first impression rose is a curse. Lea, you should have kept the date card.

Kelli: Again, Joey finds ways to have moments with lots of the women during the cocktail party. One I want to highlight is Jenn, since we haven’t seen much of her since last week. They sit by the pool and put their feet in the water, and we learn that Joey is self conscious about his feet (which Jenn makes fun of him for). She tells him she feels safe with him, and they kiss for 2 points. I am sensing a hometown date in her future.

Emily: I agree. I’m predicting Jenn is in the final four for sure. 

We’re getting to the point in the season where a lot of the women are realizing they’re not going to get a 1-on-1 date, so if they’re going to get their sob story out, they’re going to have to do it on a group date or at the cocktail party. Madina knows she’s not long for this world (she is 31, after all), so she tells Joey her sob story (5 points). Her parents got a divorce, but it sounds like it was a really bad one that shook her trust in both of her parents and in love in general. We don’t get a ton of details about what happened because this is Madina and ABC doesn’t care about Madina. She is a sacrificial lamb, as we’ll see later.

Kelli: Maria makes another huge mistake this evening, which is that she attempts to have fun at the cocktail party. She and Allison are throwing grapes at each other and other women are watching and — get this — laughing. Lea is horrified that all of this joy and tomfoolery can be allowed to continue while Sydney has been wrongfully terminated from her position at Bachelor, Inc. She’s especially offended that Madina, who Sydney put her life on the line for, is now talking to Maria as if Maria is a person. 

Lea is so bothered that she actually pulls Madina aside for a chat, and proceeds to ask Madina why she’s being cool with Maria. I have no idea what Lea’s goal was with this interaction other than to make Madina feel shitty, which is really bringing us full circle with this entire Sydney debacle. Madina tells Lea that just because she’s friends with Sydney doesn’t mean she can’t be nice to Maria. Madina says she’s just trying to get through this, and Lea coming to her with this is really hurtful. In an ITM, Lea says that she has a different set of morals and values, and that she has “really high standards” for people she’s close to. Um. I’m going to have to start awarding Delulu Points. 2 Delulu Points for Lea.

Emily: This is one of those moments where the difference between a 31 year-old and a 23 year-old becomes glaringly apparent. Madina is acting like a reasonable adult, and Lea is acting like a… well, like a 23 year-old.

Kelli: Lea decides she’s going to talk to Joey about this because of her very high morals and values and whatnot. She tells Joey that “a lot of people were shocked because of the way Maria has acted.” Meanwhile, Maria is spiraling, and we see her fleeing the cameras as she cries (2 points) and says she wants to go home. 

We end on this as a cliffhanger, which means nothing to you, because we’re hopping straight into episode five!

Emily: OMFGGG now you see why this recap is so late. We have so much content to get through. But kissing and crying points will refresh for this second half, because this is a new episode! So, congrats, Maria, you get 2 more points for still crying at the beginning of this episode. She says she’s “literally alone in this.” I would like to point out that she literally is not alone, but “literally” literally means nothing anymore and I give up. 

Kelli: Further proving the point that Maria isn’t alone, Madina actually goes to comfort her. I would like to give Madina 2 points for friendship. She manages to talk her down and the two return to the group.

Emily: It’s rose ceremony time. Joey says it’s really about connections. They’re all incredible, but Joey is trying to be honest and truthful to how he’s feeling. Roses go to: Kelsey, Kaitlyn, Daisy, Rachel, Jen, Autumn, Jess, Madina, and… Lea. That means EDWINA IS GOING HOME! This made me so sad. Edwina says, “I’m proud I’m leaving knowing I gave 100%,” and she cries (2 points). 

Allison also leaves. I have no feelings about this, but I didn’t dislike Allison.

Kelli: RIP to my sisters-based pick. Allison might have made it farther on the show, but Lauren got me more points.

Emily: So goodbye, Malta. It’s time to go to SPAIN! Jess says she wants to fall in love with Spain, but again, I don’t think it’s going to be Joey. Maria says she’s ready to just focus on Joey and do her because that’s all that matters. 

Kelli: They’re in Andalusia, and it looks extremely beautiful. Joey says that when he travels he likes to do something that involves tradition and history, and then he likes to explore the nightlife. I appreciate him for saying he has an interest in history, even though he doesn’t know who Ruth Bader Ginsberg is. <3

He pulls up to the girls on a tiny vespa and announces that he will be taking Kelsey A on a date (20 points)!

Emily: There’s something very triggering about seeing Joey on a vespa for all the girls. This is the date that sends them all into a panic. They allllll wanted this vespa moment. Kelsey T even cried about it (2 points). They’re probably all wishing they had Lea’s steal-a-date card, but Maria’s the one who says the quiet part aloud. She asks the group if Lea had offered someone else the card rather than throwing it in the fire, would they have taken it? Lea takes this moment to remind everyone of her moral superiority, and this is becoming a trend with her that makes me rethink everything she’s done throughout the season. 

Kelli: I think you’re spot on, and again, I am so disappointed in her arc. 

Emily: Anyway, yay Kelsey A! I just need to say I’m falling more and more in love with her hair with every episode. It’s… mesmerizing.

Kelli: No joke, almost every week there’s at least one section of my notes where a bullet point simply says “Kelsey A’s hair looks incredible.”

It’s another wander-the-city date, but this time they’re also going to have a picnic. Another thing I noticed and liked about Joey: when they go to the local store, he breaks out his high school Spanish skills and doesn’t just stick to English the way Americans often do when overseas. It’s a sign of respect and it’s very sweet.

They go to a public park for their picnic, where another magical old man appears out of thin air to ask them if they’re married. 

Emily: I’m so tired of the old men and their intrusive questions. I need The Bachelor to get new tricks. For the evening portion, they go to a 13th century bathhouse. I found a link to the attraction, and surprisingly, it doesn’t look like they normally serve food there. 

Kelli: It seems like at this point, Joey probably already knows that Kelsey lost her mom, but it’s time for her to go into more detail for the camera. 5 points for sob story, 2 points for crying. She tells Joey that ten years ago, her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and she died shortly after her diagnosis. She talks about what an amazing woman her mother was, and how hard it is to know that she won’t be there at her wedding. She tells Joey that she believes in signs, and that she saw butterflies in the middle of New Orleans when she was on the phone with her dad talking about coming on the show. Emily, you’re a New Orleans expert, so you’ll have to tell me if it’s rare to see butterflies there.

Emily: I mean, I don’t think it’s any rarer than anywhere else? If it had randomly snowed, I would be more impressed. Joey is so good at comforting women during their sob story moments. I don’t even know how to deal with how empathetic this man is. I fully expected to dislike him at this point, but here we are. He takes her hand and makes her feel seen, and somehow I also feel seen. He gives her the rose, and they kiss.

Kelli: I would also like to note that they do an against-the-wall makeout, so I think 3 points total for their kissing on this date.

Emily: For sure! I think he is realllllly into Kelsey A.

Kelli: It’s time for the group date! On this date we’ve got Lexi, Daisy, Jenn, Autumn, Maria, Katelyn, Madina, Lea, Jess, and Kelsey T… which means Rachel gets the one-on-one. Yay Rachel!

Emily: I love Rachel. She gives me quirky rom-com energy, and she’s so cute. I would love to see someone like Rachel for Bachelorette, please. But okay, first let’s talk about the group date.

Kelli: It’s an art date! The women and Joey meet a mixed media artist named Paola who makes art about the world from a “feminine perspective.” The women have to write a quote that they think describes how they feel about Joey, then translate that quote onto the canvas with paint. Joey will then attempt to guess the quote based on the art.

Emily: I just want to note that a quote suggests that you are quoting someone else’s words, which is not what’s happening here. They’re just writing words down. Some people assume that “quote” means you have to write words down that rhyme. No one knows what they’re doing.

Lea takes this moment to tell the camera that Maria CLEARLY isn’t creative. No idea where that assessment came from, but 2 points to Lea for continuing to throw shade when no one else is even thinking about her anymore. 

Continuing the pattern of giving the group date win to a contestant who doesn’t really have a chance, Jess wins this one for painting some engagement rings. 5 points to Jess for the win. Her prize is body painting with Joey. The Bachelor is really phoning it in here. They’ve done this date so many times. But Jess does get a horizontal make out. Yay, I guess, for my team. 3 points to Jess.

Kelli: I also just want to point out that before stripping down for body paint, Jess was wearing a floor length denim skirt. Gen Z is not okay.

Emily: It’s like they’re completely ignoring our mistakes from the early 2000s. What is wrong with them? Mark my words, dresses over flared jeans are going to be a big deal on the next season of The Bachelor at this rate.

Kelli: No!!!!!!

Emily: We get a long string of moments with the Bachelor that go about the way you’d expect them to go. Jenn and Joey continue to have really cute and undeniable chemistry. They kiss for 2 points. Kelsey T tells Joey she’s starting to really have feelings for him and it’s hard to see him with other women. They also kiss (2 points). Lexi also gets kiss points here (2 points). 

KellI: Joey and Maria sit down to chat, and it’s time for another surprise mini sob story (5 points)! Maria tells Joey that she grew up around a lot of men, because her mom left when she was little. The way this story is framed is kind of weird, but basically we learn that Maria’s mom was out of the picture for a reason — she and baby Maria were in a horrible car accident that left Maria’s mom with devastating injuries (and also briefly killed baby Maria???). The trauma from that experience and the recovery sent her mother into a depression and she wasn’t able to be around for Maria when she was growing up. Maria says their relationship now is a work in progress, so it sounds like her mom is back in her life. She adds that the reason she’s so light-hearted all the time is because she knows that everything can change in an instant.

Emily: As always, Joey is really good at taking all of this in and making Maria feel comforted. They kiss (2 points). Maria also ends up getting the group date rose (10 points). 

Kelli: In an ITM, Lea says “My heart is in my ass.” It’s been a week since I watched this and I’m still reeling from this comment. She says Maria must be putting on a performance with Joey, but I think it’s pretty clear from what we’re seeing that Maria’s behavior with Joey looks exactly the same way it does with the other women in the house.

Emily: It’s time for Rachel’s date (20 points)! Rachel and Joey are getting flamenco dancing lessons. Their instructor gives them special shoes to wear while they practice their dance. I want to note that Joey is fully comfortable in heels, but he is NOT comfortable wearing these heels with shorts because THEY JUST DO NOT GO. He just keeps getting better and better.

Kelli: I just need to say that on Joey’s instagram post for this episode, Jesse Palmer commented, “We want boots and shorts pics!!!” with three flame emojis.

Emily: Obviously, they also kiss a lot on this date (2 points). 

Kelli: During the night portion, Rachel tells what I guess is supposed to be her sob story, although it’s not especially sob-worthy or dramatic. Basically, she’s an ICU nurse and it’s hard. Which is valid! She says that dating a nurse can be hard because of the long hours and the emotional labor, and it’s something Joey will need to be prepared for if they’re going to be together. He’s prepared, and he gives her the rose (10 points). They watch fireworks (5 points), and Joey says he wants to fall in love with Rachel. I see hometowns for her, too. We wouldn’t want to miss the opportunity to go to Hawaii, now would we?

Emily: I am very much rooting for Rachel to make it to hometowns. I honestly like that she didn’t have the traditional sob story. This was kind of refreshing.

Phew, we’ve finally made it to the final cocktail party of the week. It’s been a journey. Daisy gets time first. They kiss (2 points) and Joey says Daisy is someone he can 100% see himself falling in love with.

Next, Joey is talking to Katelyn when…

Kelli: Maria once again commits a cocktail party faux pas, though this time it’s a little more serious — she decides to steal Joey for a chat even though she already has a group date rose. When Jess gets wind of this, she is pissed, because she hasn’t gotten a chance to talk to Joey yet tonight and “it’s giving disrespectful.” Never mind that Jess won the group date challenge and already had private time with Joey — oh, and let’s just forget about night one, when she pulled him twice even though there were 32 full ass women he had to get through conversations with. None of that matters now, because Jess is being disrespected. She cries about it for 2 points.

Emily: Maria can tell Jess is upset with her, so she does what Maria does and tries to confront the issue head on. Jess is not having any of it. Jess calls Maria a bitch and storms off. Of course, Lea thinks this is the perfect time to insert herself. She follows Jess and tells her not to waste any more of her energy on Maria. Okay, girl, but like, what have you been doing? 2 points to Jess for being a hypocrite. 2 points to Maria for facing the drama. And 2 points to Lea for her total lack of self-awareness. 

Kelli: It’s time for roses! Joey gives them to Jenn, Kelsey T, Daisy, Lea, Lexi, Katelyn, and, of course, Jess. Going home are two girls from Team Throw It In The Fire, Madina and Autumn. They both cry for 2 points each. I don’t have any feelings about Autumn, but I hope Madina makes it to Paradise because she deserves to have some fun after this shit show.

Oh, also, they’re going to Canada!

Emily: No offense to Canada, but this is a bit of a downgrade after Europe. Strange that they did it this way. 

Kelli: Agreed. Let’s see how our scores are looking.

Emily’s Team - Team Daisy is My Yoshi

• Daisy - 4

• Lexi - 39

• Rachel - 37

• Jess - 14

• Kelsey A - 34

• Katelyn -

• Edwina - 4

• Sydney - 14

LAST WEEK: 164
NEW TOTAL:  310

Kelli’s Team - Team Throw it in the Fire

• Lea - 8

• Maria - 52

• Kelsey T - 16

• Jenn - 4

• Autumn - 7

• Allison - 

• Madina - 7

LAST WEEK:  112
NEW TOTAL:  206