Bachelorette season is officially upon us, everyone! And Susan and Emily are back to recap the season and play everyone’s favorite game: Fantasy Bachelorette. If you’ve followed any of our recaps from previous seasons, you know how this goes. But in case you’re new here. On week one, Susan and Emily draft their teams. In the following weeks, we recap the episode and get points for our boys.
So how did this draft shake out? Check out our picks and our thoughts on the dudes after night one. And come back next week for our first full-on recap of the season!
Susan: Here we are again.
Emily: I'm so nervous because I have no idea what I'm doing here. I was too tired to think about this too deeply.
Susan: Likewise I have no idea.
Emily: So should we just jump in with the first pick? I'm ready. Don't know what I'll do next but I'm ready with the first pick.
Susan: Go for it.
Emily: Okay, I'm taking Justin.
Susan: DANG IT! He is sexy.
Emily: Was he your #1 too?
Susan: I'm not telling you my draft secrets this early!
Emily: Well I mean you get the next two picks so you can tell me if the next person you pick was your #1 or if it was Justin.
Susan: He was top two.
Emily: Ah, ok.
Susan: Ok so here I go, I guess. I'm going with Thomas.
Emily: Thomas is SO TALL. Every time he was on screen I was like "HE'S SO TALL."
Susan: A lot of them are incredibly tall. And Katie is small.
Emily: She is, but Thomas just struck me as incredibly tall. Who’s next?
Susan: This is a wild choice, but I'm basing it on her just acting cute about meeting him. I'll take John. I'm following my heart or whatever you're supposed to do.
Emily: I feel like we at least see John crying in the season preview. So if nothing else, we have that.
Susan: Who you got?
Emily: I have to be true to my heart and go with Connor B. next. She was really digging the cat costume, and they had a very steamy makeout sesh.
Susan: A good choice, but hard disagree on the steaminess factor. He's a fast kisser and I'm not into it.
Emily: Haha. Well I mean, I think they were into it.
Susan: I wish she'd left the makeup on her nose.
Emily: Same. Next up, I'm going with Mr. First Impression Rose Greg.
Susan: I like him. I said this to you earlier, but want to tell the readers: he reminds me of original Nick Viall, and by that I mean Nick when he was on Andi's season.
Emily: Which I am here for. Nick also got the first impression rose.
Susan: And should have won.
Emily: Right except Andi is MAGA trash but anyway.
Susan: Ugh she let me down hard. Moving on... I’m going with Tre.
Emily: I really like Tre.
Susan: Tre brought his own ball pit, and he seemed down to earth and fun.
Emily: And she seemed into him too. They had good chemistry.
Susan: I'm already at the point where I barely remember anyone. Let's go with James, aka Box Man. You get Cat Man. I get Box Man.
Emily: She was somehow really impressed with him even though I didn't think he was cute at all.
Susan: I hated his hair but she said she had a crush on him so I guess that's something.
Emily: Yeah like... why. Okay I have two more that were high up for me so I'm going to pick them next. After that, it's a free for all. So next, I'm picking David.
Susan: UGH DAMN IT!
Emily: This is a pick of the heart. I think he's really cute.
Susan: David is hot.
Emily: He’s really hot.
Susan: Please don't choose the one other guy whose face I remember...
Emily: Next, I've got Andrew S. I found the fake British accent thing really annoying, but Katie was having fun with it. And he got the right amount of screen time to make me think he's going far.
Susan: I'm going to take Michael A., the single father with the dog named Tommy.
Emily: I love that he brought up the dog and had a picture of the dog and then was like "oh yeah and I have a kid.”
Susan: The same order I'd probably do that in.
Emily: Exactly.
Susan: Ok just to keep it spicy, I'm gonna start the battle of the Andrews. I'll take Andrew M.
Emily: Oh wow.
Susan: He was second out of the limo, which probably means nothing, but it means I remembered his name before my head got filled with other useless facts.
Emily: Okay I'm taking Aaron.
Susan: I believe Aaron will cause some trouble, so that's probably a good pick. He already told a guy "I've never liked you, bro," which is a wild thing to say an hour after you've met someone.
Emily: Right but also the guy responded with "I disagree" which is like... you can't disagree with that. I feel like we missed some essential info.
Susan: That guy seemed like an idiot too.
Emily: Ok but a bunch of them seemed like idiots.
Susan: Fair. Which random man are you choosing next?
Emily: I literally don't know. Is Brendan still there? The firefighter?
Susan: Yes, he's on my rose list.
Emily: Yep. I’ll take Brendan.
Susan: I'd say good choice, but idk if it is or not.
Emily: Yeah, no clue. I just know he's Canadian.
We know he’s (probably) one of these dudes… idk
Susan: Ok so now this is very difficult because I either don't like the ones left, or I never saw their face on my screen and that's confusing.
Emily: Right?
Susan: Ok well speaking of that weird argument we saw, I'll take the other half of that: Cody, aka the poor man's Colton Underwood.
Emily: Haha. They really have to give us more info on that drama next week.
Susan: Or at least stir it up some more so I can get points from him. This is out of left field, and I might regret it based on past contestants, but I'm taking Garrett.
Emily: At least we remember him. He has red hair and his name is Garrett. Hmm… I’ll take Karl.
Susan: What *motivated* you to do that? See what I did?
Emily: Karl was so annoying. But he got screen time, and that’s where I am in my list.
Susan: Who’s next?
Emily: Let's just take Quartney and have all the annoying people.
Susan: Ah, yes, Mr. Spoken Word Poem. With sexual innuendo.
Emily: Yeah he was horrible.
Susan: I'm picking these next two at the same time because I can barely differentiate anyone anymore, but they're both cute so whatever. Josh and Kyle.
Emily: I'm picking Hunter.
Susan: Hunter it is. Who else? Mike hates dessert.
Emily: Yeah, I’m not touching Mike. So rounding out my team is... IDK let me have the final Conor.
Susan: Congratulations on earning both Connor/Conors.
Emily: Thanks. Who are you taking?
Susan: That leaves me with Mike P. or Christian, who is from Boston and that's all I know about him. Or at least they talked in Boston accents together? IDK.
Emily: IDK. It was bad.
Susan: I’m taking Christian. This is what happens when you hate dessert, Mike.
Emily: Yep. Okay, great. Personally, I think we should go for Team Crazy Cat Lady and Team What's In The Box
Susan: I like the references to the two big gimmicks. So let's do Crazy Cat Lady and What's In The Box.
Emily: We did it!
Susan: Proud of us. Would you like to close out with a toast?
Emily: Cheers to no Chris Harrison, I say. Because I thought Tayshia and Kaitlyn were delightful.
Susan: I'll drink to Tayshia and Kaitlyn, for sure. Cheers to our journey, Emily.
Emily: I really do believe my husband is in my house tonight.
Susan: *guzzles champagne*
And there you have it, folks! Here’s how the teams shook out.
Emily - Team Crazy Cat Lady
Justin
Connor B.
Greg
David
Andrew S.
Aaron
Brendan
Karl
Quartney
Hunter
Conor C.
Susan - Team What’s in the Box
Thomas
John
Tre
James
Michael A.
Andrew M.
Cody
Garrett
Josh
Kyle
Christian
We’re so excited to be back recapping this season, helmed by two of our favorite former Bachelorettes and starring Katie, queen of the cats and dildos. We can’t wait to go on this journey with all of you!
Now that we have our teams. What are your predictions? Will the Cat beat out the Box? Will the Box overtake the Cat? This is truly the greatest question of our time. Let us know your thoughts!