What a time to be alive. Catfish is back. Love Island is in full swing. Our Bachelorette queen Hannah is narrowing down her final men, and you know what that means: Bachelor in Paradise is on the horizon. But most importantly? Y’all. As of this week, Are You the One? is back. And it’s the first sexually fluid dating show ever. This is history in the making. Years from now, everyone will be asking you where YOU were when Are You the One? Season 8 premiered. It’s that serious.

So you know once again, for the third season in a row, I will be here recapping the drama. Because this show is golden, and the drama this season is going to be INTENSE.

Aaaand… that’s a wrap, ladies and gentlemen.

Season 7 of Are You the One is officially in the books, and I heard on the grapevine that Season 8 is already casting. More importantly, Season 8 is looking for bisexual/gender-fluid people, so this should be interesting. How in the hell are those poor people going to be able to find their match when literally anyone in the house could be an option? I guess we’ll just have to wait until next time to find out, and I will be here to recap all of the madness. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. For now, let’s put a nice bow on this season.

Hey! Guess what?

The Truth Booth has officially confirmed that Tevin and Kenya are a match. Yeah, there’s no need to get all worried about this. I told you last week that, based on this magic thing called “mathematics,” we already knew Tevin and Kenya were a match. So really this isn’t a spoiler. This is just math. I know. Crazy.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get on with recapping this episode.

Welcome back Are You The One fans! I am so excited to be recapping this episode because this one was SO GOOD and I had to watch it multiple times just to make sure I didn’t miss out on any of the action for you. We’ve got betrayals. We’ve got scavenger hunts. We’ve got unicorn costumes. We’ve got Trump supporter Cam dancing around in a leaf skirt (see above). Really, this episode has a little something for everyone.

But let’s take a deep breath and start from the beginning. Remember last week when we ended half way through the Match Up Ceremony? Cali came up with a good plan for figuring out some of the matches in this house. Just to recap, they got four beams last time. So this week, everyone stayed the same and they switched up two of the couples. If they got four beams, that means the two couples who were switched are not matches. If they got two, that means those two couples are definitely matches. It’s not difficult math, but for some reason these idiots in this house don’t understand why this is such a good idea. Trust me though. I’m smart. It’s a good idea. So let’s see how it turned out.

I just needed to start with this gif because, wow, this was the big bombshell of the night. Not that it was totally surprise, but dang, the way Lewis laid it all out there for Asia at the end of this episode was HARSH. It’s all anyone is talking about. And by that, I mean, it’s all I’m talking about because I don’t know many other people who watch this show. Where y’all at?

But more on this later. Let’s start at the top. Apparently there was a cliffhanger at the end of last week’s 2 hour episode. So let’s rewind and go over what went down.

Oh my word. Last week gave us two hours of Are You the One drama, which is par for the course for plenty of other shows. The Bachelor often overloads us with 3-4 hours in one week. Love Island is basically on, like, all the time. But in Are You the One land, two hours of television in one week is a LOT OF DRAMA. I’m feeling a little motion sick from trying to follow all of it, but I’m putting on a brave face and delivering it all to you in this recap.

We start with some Daniel and Samantha drama. Let’s set the stage.

Take a moment to center yourself. Because it’s about to go down in this recap.

Hello. And welcome to this very late recap of last week’s Are You The One episode. My bad, y’all. I have a life. JK I was taking a lot of naps and spending quality time with my cats, but you know, that sounds like a pretty poppin’ week to me, so back off.

Look, do you want this recap or not? Let’s go.

This was a bizarro episode of Are You the One? that is unlike any normal episode of the show. They’re throwing the whole formula out the window, so this recap is also going to be all over the place. I just don’t know what to say. You all know I was concerned about the exes not coming back with the loss of challenges, but Mtv of course found a way to work exes into this season anyway. Through the unmatched couples attending “Relationship Rehab.”

Here’s the thing I never get about set-ups like this. How is this any different from just staying in the house? All the same people are there. But it’s like a camp ground now instead of a house with a pool. There’s also a lot of glow-in-the-dark paint in rehab. Don’t get me wrong. The glamping set-up looked fun, but… like, why is this rehab?