Welcome welcome to another season of The Bachelorette, and another blog post where the Book Squad judges all of the contestants based on minimal information and cheesy photographs. We’re fairly underwhelmed with the batch of men Becca has to choose from, and we’re already missing the wonderful men of Rachel’s season (where is our boo Diggy? We love you). But nevertheless, we’re here to… do the damn thing. There. We said it. Never again.
But, first, a random thought from Susan:
Becca’s casting interview:
ABC: So, Becca, what do you like?
Becca: Money. Sports.
ABC: Ok coo we gotchu.
Now without further adieu...
Emily: This guy is already my favorite because he’s from Atlanta. Go ahead and send everyone else home. Our search is done. I’m not into these new truncated Bachelor bios. Where is the survey? How am I supposed to judge people based on their favorite movie or how little they know about books?
Susan: He likes country music AND skiing? Is it me or do these things not go hand-in-hand? I wanna know what three random terrible celebrities he’d have dinner with. Bring back the questions!
Kelli: Contestant #1 and I’m already bored. Also, this guy has NO lips whatsoever.
Mary: He’s a self-proclaimed country music lover? Who proclaims that? Also, I agree with Emily. Bring back the weird questions!
Emily: He looks like a famous actor, but I can’t figure out which one. I’m seriously staring at his face as if it were one of those Magic Eye pictures. I’m just waiting for the actor to appear. Also I’m going to start counting how many guys are from Colorado, because I feel like it’s a lot. I wonder if they all know each other. Colorado count: 1.
Susan: Always gotta be a Blake. Unbutton that top button, my dude. I like that he is into swing dance. That’s endearing.
Kelli: To me, this guy looks like the terrifying kid in The Killing of a Sacred Deer. Maybe he’ll murder someone. He also kind of looks like Tye Sheridan, so maybe his mouth will be open the whole time.
Emily: OMG KELLI TYE SHERIDAN IS EXACTLY WHO I WAS TRYING TO THINK OF!
Mary: I don’t like that he is into swing dancing. I don’t know why that’s throwing me off, but it really is.
Emily: What does it mean when you say you love adventure? Who hates adventure? This is the most generic Bachelor bio ever. Since we don’t have surveys for these dudes, I’m just going to guess his favorite book is The Bible, and his favorite celebrity is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Susan: WTF is happening with his hair? It’s like he has two different haircuts on the same head. Second college athlete out of three people. Does Becca have a type? And is it the same type as Andi Dorfman’s type?
Kelli: A triangle goatee? What year is this? Also, he’s from Florida, so he’s probably shitty.
Mary: I think--and this is just based off his insane grin--he might be some sort of serial killer. Just a hunch.
Emily: Okay, this is very personal, but trust me on this one. Never date a man who’s number one ambition is to retire in his 40’s. This guy is going to be all business and no fun. Remember when I asked “who hates adventure?” It’s this guy. He hates adventure.
Susan: Good for you if you can retire in your 40s, but I’m just not into dudes who are this money-motivated.
Kelli: This guy is FROM New York and CHOOSES to live in Orlando. He is my polar opposite.
Mary: Why did his family retire in their forties? How is he going to do the same? I have questions about this.
Emily: Shocker. Christian (and everyone else on this list) is a retired athlete. At least he is from Mexico, so maybe he’ll say sexy things in Spanish.
Susan: He’s cute. Another athlete. His biggest date fear is spilling something? That’s pretty tame. I spill something every time I go on a date. Am I doing it wrong?
Kelli: I bet they play up his sad sports injury storyline.
Mary: I’m kind of into his huge eyebrows. Also, if the biggest turn-off is spilling something I would have been dumped a long time ago, because boy do I spill things constantly.
Emily: Wow, you have to be pretty audacious to just be like, “Man my job is boring. I’m going to e-mail the Harlem Globetrotters and see what they’re up to.” Also I can’t believe that worked for him. This guy’s super power is being lucky. It’s a super power.
Susan: FORMER HARLEM GLOBETROTTER? I need to hear stories. Also, another athlete. But a HARLEM GLOBETROTTER.
Kelli: Cute dimple. He seems like he might be legitimately interesting, unlike everyone else on this list so far.
Mary: Was he already good at dunking before he quit his corporate job? What is his story? He seems kind of fun. I’m at least interested in his story.
Emily: Clay doesn’t curse. But cursing is a sign of intelligence. Therefore, Clay is stupid. Logic. I just used it.
Susan: Is this that dude Jeffrey Wright from Westworld but younger? Like maybe him from the past? OMG another athlete. Dude… can I get some artists on here? (This is coming from a collegiate athlete. Yeah, that’s right. I played a sport. WHAT.)
Kelli: I’m sorry, but how can you love hip hop and not ever curse? I call bullshit. (Sry if I offended you by saying bullshit, Clay.)
Mary: He never curses? I don’t really believe that. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY ATHLETES?!
Emily: Colorado count: 2. Colton is a former NFL player, but I’ve never heard of him, which means he probably played defense. Okay, I just googled him. He was a tight end, which is normally one of my favorite positions (hello, football boyfriend Jimmy Graham) so this guy must not have been very good.
Susan: A) Another athlete. B) Named after the Indianapolis Colts. I’m judging you, Colton’s parents. C) I hate that his dog is named Sniper. Something feels off about this dude.
Kelli: I was about to say the SAME THING about his dog being named Sniper. I bet he loves the NRA. I mean, it’s nice that he works with charity and all but I’m still skeptical.
Mary: It’s nice that he does charity stuff, but he is definitely some sort of conservative, NRA-supporting dude.
Emily: Connor played for the Atlanta Braves. I haven’t heard of him, but to be fair, I’ve only heard of, like, Jason Heyward. I don’t care about baseball. Does it even take any athleticism (don’t @ me)? Apparently health and wellness are a big deal to him, but like, yeah, same with every dude here. What else, Connor? WHAT ELSE?
Susan: Ok so are they ALL athletes?! Like, Jesus Christ, ABC. Also this guy looks like if a Golden Retriever was transformed into a person.
Kelli: Okay, if Emily’s doing a Colorado count I’m doing a Florida count. This is Florida #3, and he looks like that guy that plays everyone’s douchebag ex-boyfriend in romcoms.
Mary: Hey, I like the Braves okay (or was raised to like them)! That being said...was he just really bad? Why’d he get kicked off? Also, BAHAHAHA SUSAN. Strong agree on the golden retriever comment.
Susan: He’s cute. He travels. He is not a professional athlete. I like him, but I feel like she’ll have a top 4 of all athletes. Really, she could have a top 20 of all athletes. Imagine the testosterone.
Emily: Darius travels frequently. Let me decode that for you, Becca: He’s got hoes in different area codes. Move along.
Kelli: DAMN EMILY. I always saw traveling as a plus, but now I’m beginning to question myself.
Mary: I’m with Emily on this one. Can’t trust pharm reps!
Emily: Colorado count: 3. Don’t ask me why, but David reminds me of Steve from Blue’s Clues. It’s just an energy about him. I feel like he sings every time he gets a letter in the mail. No shade, David. I’m actually obsessed with Steve from Blue’s Clues. That’s just a little factoid about me. Let’s see… I guess I should read his bio… omg I wish I hadn’t.
Susan: Pretty sure David is gay.
Kelli: I think David has enough deal breakers as it is without the avocado/guacamole situation.
Mary: Why would not liking avocados be a dealbreaker? Also, I’m questioning what a venture capitalist is.
Emily: It's not that he doesn't like avocados. It's that he likes guacamole but NOT avocados. Like, what? That is bizarre.
Garrett, 29 - Medical Sales Rep - Reno, NV
Emily: God. Why do men suck?
Susan: Garrett looks so happy to be here that he might kill you.
Kelli: He looks genuinely frightening.
Mary: Did they not warn him they were taking the picture? Why are his eyes open so wide?
Emily: Grant looks like Dexter with twice the forehead. No, not Michael C. Hall. Dexter. As in he looks like a serial killer. Based on his bio, this is going to be one of those obnoxious producer picks.
Mary: Sincere question: Do electricians not normally have a sense of humor? He totally looks like Dexter.
Susan: In ten years, Grant will play the bumbling Dad in a FOX sitcom.
Kelli: Grant also kind of looks like Matt Damon, but the dollar store version. I think it’s kind of cool that he’s a fourth generation electrician, though. I find family professions to be strangely heartwarming.
Emily: Bad poetry alert. We’re going to have some bad poetry this season.
Susan: Ah, there’s the “poet.” I hope we get to hear some of his stuff. I’m calling it “stuff” and not “work” because we know it’s going to be straight garbage. Also, I like his jacket.
Kelli: I hope he goes home on night one so we don’t have to hear any of his poetry.
Mary: I like to write poems, too. One time I wrote a poem about sick kittens on Instagram. Do you think his poetry is like that? Or is it rhyming lovey dovey stuff?
Susan: Jason looks like his main goal in life is to sink a bunch of money into a boat he can’t afford.
Kelli: Oh god. I really do not want to hear this guy’s rendition of “A Whole New World,” but I think it’s probably coming.
Emily: If he’s not belting out songs from Moana, I don’t want to hear about it.
Mary: I do not believe he does this. He looks like he could be in American Psycho.
Emily: Jean Blanc seems like he’s probably too smart for this show. I think Kelli wins with the Florida count. There are a lot of Florida people here. I’m not impressed by his cologne collection.
Susan: He works in finance and has an MBA, but ABC chose to make his job title “Colognoisseur.”
Mary: THIS IS NOT A REAL JOB, JEAN BLANC!
Kelli: Florida count: 4. I think this guy is pretty cute, actually. Maybe it’s just the fact that his name is Jean Blanc.
Joe, 31 - Grocery Store Owner - Chicago, IL
Emily: “Successful in produce, but unsuccessful in love, Joe's ripe and ready to be picked by the Bachelorette.” TBH, I wish I was successful in produce. Good produce is hard to come by in these parts.
Kelli: He looks like the type of dude who will be cuter in person than he is in his photo. I also like his casual jacket look. And again with the family businesses… I like him.
Susan: Seems…forgive me, but…average.
Mary: The puns are really killing me, Bachelorette writers. He seems...okay. Fine. I want more interesting personalities.
Susan: He had me at banana bread.
Emily: I’m stoked about the banana bread, but less stoked about the guitar-playing.
Kelli: I’m not a fan of start-up bros, and he seems like one.
Mary: What kind of start up? That makes a difference. These dudes are just teaching me I know nothing about business words.
Emily: Jordan looks like a Ken doll, if Ken dolls were vampires.
Susan: He’s a model and yet this photo looks dumb as hell.
Kelli: Emily pretty much nailed it with that description.
Mary: Who does he model for? What is a pensive gentleman look?
Susan: I fell asleep.
Emily: Kamil is afraid of spiders, so immediately I’m wondering how they’re going to work that into a date somehow. His job is “social media participant,” which I don’t think counts as a job, dude. Don’t we all PARTICIPATE in social media? What’s the deal?
Kelli: Fear Factor date!!!
Mary: I’m here for Kamil. He’s my favorite so far. He doesn’t sound interesting, sure, but at least he isn’t a hulking athlete.
Susan: COME TO MAMA.
Kelli: He’s been growing his hair for TEN YEARS? Why???
Mary: I’d like to take his hair and graft it to my hair. Can you imagine?
Emily: I’m not into the brunette Fabio look. The “messy bun” look sounds even worse.
Emily: Lincoln was the one I liked in the After the Final Rose thing that I guess is a thing we’re doing every year now. I feel like I read somewhere that he turns out to be there for the *GASP* wrong reasons, but I hope not. He’s definitely the cutest one so far, IMHO. Would bang.
Susan: I remember this guy and his nice smile from AFTR. I also remember him talking FOREVER and it was like, Ok man, step aside.
Kelli: Yeah, I think he’s cute but he also talked forever and seemed more focused on himself than Becca, so we’ll see how this goes.
Mary: Lincoln is cute and I like him based on his little blurb!
Susan: Hard pass.
Mary: I legitimately gasped at his smile. In a bad way.
Emily: This dude reminds me of Eric Northman from True Blood before he got a haircut. A lot of vampires this season. Vampire count: 2. Also he must be a Friday Night Lights fan because he named his dog Riggins, so A++++ for Mike.
Kelli: I think this guy might get worst hair award. Also, he loves “festivals.” What kind of festivals? Music festivals? Renaissance festivals? The options are limitless.
Emily: I’m going to say it right now before I’ve even read his bio. Nick is an asshole. Two words that don’t belong together in the same sentence: “fun-loving” and “attorney.” Also, he loves brunch so he’s secretly gay.
Mary: Yeaaaaah, I don’t know any dudes that pumped for brunch.
Susan: “...you can catch him in his signature track suits.” Cool, bro. Just kidding. Also he looks 14; someone run a background check.
Kelli: Maybe this is harsh, but this guy looks like a faceswap. Florida count: 5.
Emily: Who’s going to let Rickey know there’s no “e” in Rickey? That’s all I’ve got. This bio is boring.
Susan: About the 8th dude who’s worked on Wall Street or something like it. Loving his smile though.
Kelli: Really - you want someone to be your best friend first and your lover second? That sounds like a thing a guy would say just because he thinks that’s what a woman wants to hear. AS IF sex isn’t important to you, bro.
Mary: Gotta be honest, I love a bow tie. I hope he has some personal style.
Emily: He plays way too many instruments for me. Goodbye, Ryan.
Susan: He’s cute, but looks suuuuuper young. Let’s hear more banjo though.
Kelli: This was the guy who played for her on ATFR. I am not usually swayed by musicians, but he was super, super cute. I like him.
Mary: I am very very very into the bluegrass band, banjo thing.
Mary: Romance novels?
Emily: I cannot picture this dork of a dude on the cover of romance novels, but apparently that’s where we can find him.
Susan: ABC heard people liked that gap in Peter’s teeth so they picked this guy, who is just a poor woman’s Peter at best.
Kelli: Florida count: 6. And NAPLES, no less. How old is he, 95?
Susan: He loves Harry Potter! That mustache is not working though.
Emily: He’s a graphic designer who loves Harry Potter. So he’s basically Kelli. We have a winner.
Kelli: Omg, what a cutie! I’m not biased at all!
Mary: He seems fine, but THESE PUNS, WRITERS. PLEASE STOP.
And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. We look forward to watching this season, starting on Monday on ABC (MEMORIAL DAY! FIRE UP THE GRILL... or something). We can't wait to be proven wrong about everyone, maybe.
Love, THE SQUAD <3