We’re a little over a month away from the summer movie season, and you know what that means.
Summer movie trailers are in full swing. As an avid film watcher with OPINIONS, I have already made a lot of decisions about which movies I’m excited to see and which movies are most likely to disappoint. So of course, I am absolutely ready and armed to give you my full on summer movie preview.
But what’s the fun in being positive? We all know summer is the season where studios drop all of their big budget crowd-pleasing movies that will get butts in seats but aren’t likely to be winning any awards. In other words, most of these movies are going to be crap, my dudes. But which ones are the most likely to be terrible and/or disappointing? Well, here are my predictions, from least terrible to most terrible. Disclaimer: some of these opinions are going to be unpopular. Fight me. And… go!
10. Avengers: Endgame (April 26)
UGGGGGHHHHHHHH. I’m counting this as a summer release even though it’s coming out in April, because let’s be real: it’s going to be in theaters all summer long. Hogging up screens. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I am NOT A FAN of the Avengers movies. They are bloated an d feature way too many characters for any real character development or actual PLOT to happen. They rely on dumb in-jokes from other movies that aren’t even funny. A lot of the character development happens OFF-SCREEN, and I’m supposed to just believe that these people have relationships and care about each other because they tell me so. These are just bad. And the further we get into the Avengers franchise, the more self-important these movies get.
The only reason this movie isn’t further up the list is because Ant-Man and Captain Marvel and SOME of the Guardians of the Galaxy will be there. Mark my words, those will be the only parts of this movie that are any good, and if I make it through this THREE HOUR movie without falling asleep, I will be very surprised. I’m going to go ahead and say it. There is no reason a super-hero movie should be that long. It’s not that big of a deal.
9. Once Upon A Time in Hollywood (July 26)
I have been so looking forward to the latest Quentin Tarantino movie, especially since it stars my girl Margot Robbie (LOVE HER). What I was promised: A movie about Hollywood in the late 1960’s during the Charles Manson murders. Margot Robbie plays Sharon Tate, an actress who was murdered by members of the Manson family. Sign me up.
What the trailer gave me: a comedy starring Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio with, like, two shots of Margot Robbie (she has no lines of dialogue in the trailer) and nary a reference to Charles Manson nor his family. If you weren’t aware that this movie was originally purported to be a movie about the Mason family, you might not even notice that they’re in the trailer at all.
Now, of course, this could be a marketing strategy, but this is how the movie is described when you look it up online: “In 1969 Los Angeles, television star Rick Dalton and his longtime stunt double make their way around a changing industry that they hardly recognize anymore.” Suddenly, I am a a lot less interested and EXTREMELY disappointed. I really hope this movie will prove me wrong, especially because I want all the best for Margot Robbie, but all signs point to boring white dude comedy. Color me disexcited (it’s a word I just made up, which means “once very excited and now I’ve been made extremely NOT excited).
Maybe one day a female director will give me the Manson family movie I always dreamed of.
8. Child’s Play (June 21)
I am a fan of horror movies, but I was never really into the old Child’s Play movies. Sure, dolls are scary. They’re uncanny; there’s no getting around that. But Child’s Play is not scary. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be scary even, and that’s okay. They’re not really trying to be good movies. Do they deserve a reboot? Probably not.
But… Aubrey Plaza and Bryan Tyree Henry are two points in this movie’s favor. And yet… y’all the trailer looks really bad. So.
7. Pokémon: Detective Pikachu (May 10)
May is officially the beginning of the summer movie season, so this movie counts. As I was compiling this list, I tried to limit my “worst of” movies to movies I thought I would probably see anyway, despite how bad they look. This is a movie that made it on this list because I know my husband is going to make me go see it.
Again, the casting is interesting. Ryan Reynolds as Pikachu? Okay. And to be fair, I have no history with Pokémon, so maybe I’m missing out on some nostalgia element. I was always more of a Sailor Moon type girl. But I’m uncertain of how this premise is going to hold together a whole movie. An SNL sketch, maybe. A trailer, okay. But a whole movie of this? I’m bored already.
6. Toy Story 4 (June 1)
Hot take: I don’t get the Toy Story hype. They’re… okay. I understand that when the first one came out, it was groundbreaking, at least on an animation level, and it introduced the world to Pixar animation. And good for that. But that was 1995! Those kids are grown up now. Doesn’t this new generation deserve a new Pixar franchise to get attached to? Or better yet, why we gotta franchise everything? Why not just make a movie that stands on its own and doesn’t need a sequel?
Furthermore, adding to the unnecessariness of this movie is the fact that Toy Story 3 exists. That movie was the perfect send-off for this series, and we should have ended it there. I’m probably still going to see this movie because I’m a Pixar completist. But am I happy about it? No. You know I’m not.
5. Rocketman (May 31)
Here’s my question: do we NEED to make biopics about every musician in the world? This film seems to be riding on the coattails of 2018’s highly successful Bohemian Rhapsody, and I really can’t figure out why either of these movies were made aside from cashing in on nostalgia. Never mind. I guess that’s the only reason necessary. But seriously: why? I’ll probably see that at some point, but there is a 98.9999% chance this movie is trash.
Here’s the trailer in case you’ve somehow missed it. Again: why though?
4. Aladdin (May 24)
Okay, here’s where my nostalgia kicks in. I was a little kid when the first Aladdin came out, and I used to rock out to this soundtrack all day long. Overall, I’m excited about the casting, and most of all I’m excited about seeing a real-life Raja and being THISMUCH closer to my secret (not so secret) dreams of one day having a pet tiger. I will definitely go see this movie, probably the weekend it comes out.
But will it be good? Nah. Probably not. Here are the hits against it: A) Will Smith looks weird in the blue make-up, but he also kind of looks weird without the blue make-up because the genie is supposed to be blue. Right? This is a big dilemma for me. I don’t know whether to hope he’s going to be blue or not-blue for the majority of the movie. B) These live action Disney remakes haven’t been good so far, so I’m not sure why this one would be any different. C) Abu looks scary. D) What if there isn’t enough Raja in the movie? E) Why is Jafar hotter than Aladdin? I have so many questions.
Now you might be asking me: Emily, where is The Lion King on this list? You’ve already said you don’t like Disney remakes, and The Lion King is also coming out this summer. Well, Donald Glover is playing Simba, and Beyoncé is Nala, so I’m going to stop you right there. Of course I’m pumped about The Lion King. I’m not some kind of monster.
3. Dark Phoenix (June 7)
Oh boy. The last X-Men movie was SO BAD, and that pains me to say because the cast of the X-Men movies is just generally my list of favorite famous people. Just add Donald Glover in the mix somewhere and I’m good to go. Of course, the X-Men movies have had their ups and downs. Just because one movie was terrible doesn’t mean the next one will be.
But this trailer. It doesn’t look good, guys. And based on Sophie Turner’s performance in the last X-Men movie, I doubt seriously her ability to carry a movie like this. Frankly, her American accent is terrible. Maybe she’s worked on it since the last movie. I sure hope so. I’m still skeptical.
If you want more confirmation that this movie is going to be abysmal, just check all of the places online that are reporting negative screen tests. And there were a ton of issues during filming as well. It’s not looking good.
2. The Secret Lives of Pets 2 (June 7)
I’m sort of cheating with these last two because how likely I am to see these movies here at the end will depend on how bored I get this summer. I HATED the first Secret Lives of Pets movie, and if we look at Illumination’s filmography, there aren’t a lot of winners on here. The Lorax was okay, and I have a soft spot for Despicable Me because I love unicorns. But the minions are OBNOXIOUS. The recent Grinch movie was wholly unnecessary. There’s just not a lot going for this company or this sequel. Good kids’ movies are good because they have the ability to delight children and adults alike. Illumination produces kids’ movies for the lowest common denominator. I’m not sure what kind of kids (or adults) are enchanted by this crap, but… I will be shocked if I like anything about this movie.
1. Hobbs & Shaw (August 2)
Speaking of franchises that need to die, here is a movie no one asked for. I feel like the last Fast and the Furious movie has a lot in common with Toy Story 3, actually, in that it was the perfect send-off for a franchise I never cared about in the first place.
Seriously though, my favorite thing about The Fast and the Furious is this Ludacris music video.
On the flip side, if you’re wondering what summer movie I’m MOST looking forward to, it’s Midsommar. That’s the only appropriate answer.
Let the summer movie madness begin.