He’s the Bachelor no one asked for! These women all look the same!
And yet… here we are. Still excited to watch Colton’s journey to love, so excited that we are SORT OF tolerating all of these bad puns about Colton’s virginity. But not really though. Quick soapbox: VIRGINITY ISN’T A REAL THING. It’s almost 2019, ABC. I know y’all just recently had your first black bachelorette and you feel really proud of yourselves and all. But, like… don’t. You have a lot of work left to do. Like, a lot.
But anyway. That’s enough feminism for today. Let’s judge these women based on their looks and a few superficial details about their lives. And we’re joined by special guest and friend of the pod Bonnie Asato. Let’s do this!
Emily: I really hate that they’ve gotten rid of the surveys because now I have to resort to making fun of their looks. She has a really big mouth. Which TBH will be totally wasted on Colton. There, that’s my virgin joke. I’m done. In other news, she has a dog rescue business, so she’s probably the winner.
Bonnie: Owns a dog rescue business, so she already my favourite.
Susan: The dog rescuing is so pure. But I give her two weeks.
Mary: Ok, I don’t understand how a dog rescue business takes you all over the world. I mean, I think you’re doing it wrong. There are dogs to rescue everywhere. Good eyebrows though.
Emily: Mary, she’s traveling all around the world. Sounds like she’s doing it right to me.
Kelli: This girl is 29, which is three years older than Colton. I just have to wonder… how many of these girls are going to ALSO be virgins? And on the flip side, how many of them are entering this fully experienced and ready to teach him how to bone? Anyway, Alex B. rescues dogs and Colton likes dogs, but on top of that, they’re both into ~giving back~, so I feel like they’ll probably be a good match?
Emily: Ugggh she’s a Patriots fan. I hope she goes home night 1.
Bonnie: Pretty sure sloths don’t live in New England. Just saying. Gone by episode 3, and only because producers push for her to stay.
Susan: Her title is “Sloth” lol. Account manager at an IT staffing firm sounds boring af. No wonder she wants to leave her job for 2 months to be on tv.
Mary: I’m not sure how she’s a sloth. I don’t get it and I hate it. Also, the Patriots? Have fun cheering for CHEATERS, Alex. I’m worried that she’s going to be picked on for wanting to take relationships slow, which, like...helloooo it me. I hate it when Bachelor Nation picks on people for stuff like that.
Kelli: Really looking forward to hearing this girl say “wicked” a lot.
Emily: Angelique also has a big mouth, so maybe that’s something Colton specifically requested. Her biography literally has zero information in it, except now I know she’s probably going to introduce herself by telling a dumb joke. She probably goes home right away.
Bonnie: Imagine if loving corny jokes defined you as a person. Bless.
Susan: God I really miss the bios. I’ve learned nothing here except maybe that she sometimes laughs at dumb stuff.
Mary: So, what do we know about her?
Kelli: Bored. Good hoops, though.
Emily: Something about her face says “I voted for Trump.” Also something about her country ass bio tells me that too.
Bonnie: I do appreciate that she’s lived in three different states. At least she seems more adventurous than Alex D who’s never left Massachusetts.
Susan: The first of the three girls with ties to Alabama. I don’t feel any particular allegiance to her, but I will give her a cursory “Roll Tide.”
Mary: All I’m getting from this bio is that she’s super country. I’m not interested.
Kelli: I was straight-up going to say that she strikes me as a Trump supporter before I saw Emily’s comment. On top of that, she’s also a grown-up horse girl, so I’m sure she’s not horrible at all.
Emily: So her biggest dating fear is farting TOO loudly. So there is a volume of farting on a date that she’s perfectly okay with. I like this girl. Those cheekbones are insane.
Bonnie: I thought the same thing! She seems chill. I like her.
Susan: Is she a model for a mortuary because this girl is dead in the eyes.
Mary: “We won’t tell Colton!”--JUST THE WHOLE WORLD. Also, girl we all fart. She seems cool.
Kelli: She reminds me a lot of Maquel from Arie’s season, looks-wise. She’s definitely very beautiful. My question is: how loud is TOO loud? We’d better get a demonstration.
Emily: I hate to break it to her parents, but “Caelynn” is not a real name. I think Colton will like her because I guess she’s kind of famous in the beauty pageant circuit. We know how Colton loves a famous girl.
Bonnie: I don’t understand how flying to Japan for a first date makes you not an average beauty queen.
Susan: Miss North Carolina AND Miss Alabama are contestants. I’m gonna hate this season, aren’t I? Flying to a different country on a first date sounds suspiciously sugar daddy-esque.
Mary: I really really dislike the whole flying to Japan for a first date thing. I have so many questions. Was she expected to have sex with this dude when she got there? What was the context? What did they do on this date? Since it’s mentioned in her bio I’m sure they’ll spend all season hashing it out.
Kelli: I… like her earrings?
Emily: Yawn. Thank u, next.
Bonnie: I’m sensing the possibility for a really bad karaoke date/challenge.
Susan: She’s pretty but I don’t trust her. Seems like she’d tell you she likes your earrings but she’s def lying to your face. She hates your earrings.
Kelli: She likes photography and painting, so the first thing I have to wonder is: does she just enjoy those things, or is she actually good at them? She might be an interesting artsy type, or she might be boring AF, but at this point I really can’t tell because these bios are trash. Also, I promise I wasn’t lying about the last girl’s earrings.
Emily: She’s pretty and has a real job. That’s really all I can ask for.
Bonnie: Top 5 at least.
Susan: Digging that she has goals, but I could see her a Colton being one of those couples that start to look *exactly* like each other and not in a cute way.
Mary: I’m happy for her that she has a job. She sounds smart, which might not be in her favor for Colton.
Kelli: It’s cool that she surfs! It seems like her and Colton will get along in that they both like to work with kids, but yeah… she’s probably too smart for him.
Emily: I get the impression that this girl is going to be a personality.
Bonnie: She will eat him alive.
Susan: Oh man, I don’t want to shame her face, but homegirl went hard on the filler.
Mary: She’s gonna be the weird one this semester.
Kelli: Oh my god. I hate her already. I mean, a white DJ in Ft. Lauderdale? Who is she, Alien from Spring Breakers?
Susan: Kelli, that feels like a dig at James Franco and I’m not here for it.
Emily: SPRANG BREAAAAK!
Emily: She’s cute, and she has an interesting story and she’s from Georgia. Hello, I have a favorite. Also she has a catering business so she can cook. Can I marry her?
Bonnie: She’s only 23 and has started her own business. I don’t remember most of being 23 because I was drunk all the time. This girl has her shit together. Second favourite after Alex B.
Susan: She’s too good for Colton. Send her to Paradise to meet someone better.
Mary: I’m always into someone who cooks. Again, I don’t think she’s dumb enough for Colton? I hope she cooks for all the girls in the house.
Kelli: I like her! She works with athletes so that’ll give them something to talk about I guess. Honestly though, how long do we think Colton is going to last before he sends all the black women home?
Emily: Kelli, we all know what we’re really doing here is shopping for future Bachelor in Paradise contestants and the future Bachelorette. Who cares what boring ass white woman Colton chooses? We know who the real winners are.
Emily: I really don’t understand it when people make “country” their personality.
Bonnie: Do you think her design aesthetic is more Cracker Barrel or Long Horn Steakhouse?
Susan: Ugh. She’s gonna be the “I’m not like *other girls*” girl.
Mary: She looks like she’s 12, so that concerns me. I also feel like the whole stick shift thing is a dick joke, isn’t it?
Kelli: LOL BONNIE. I’m truly curious to see how being an interior designer fits in with her “I only hang out with men” vibes. I feel like the fact that they said “keep an eye on this one, Bachelor nation,” means that she’s going to cause trouble.
Susan: I GUARANTEE she says, “Other women just don’t *like* me.”
Emily: Aw, she’s a sports journalist and a yoga enthusiast. She could be cool. These girls are all so young, btw. This is why I prefer an older bachelor.
Bonnie: Way too many 23 year olds. She’s probably a decent match for Colton, but I think she sounds boring.
Susan: I feel like I would hang out with her if I was 23.
Mary: This is a LOT of eyebrow. Just a note on that. I love a strong brow but they can betray you. As Jenni said, “That’s a powerlifter brow.”
Emily: Mary is here to give first impressions based on brows alone. Mary, you should do brow horoscopes.
Kelli: Yeah, those brows are a little intense. She seems smart though!
Emily: Elyse looks like the villain character in every Hallmark/Lifetime rom-com movie. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Those movies hate redheads. She’s 31 and has real interests, which probably means she won’t make it far, but I’d like to hang out with her.
Susan: She’d get the Amber treatment from Clueless.
Emily: Exactly, Susan.
Mary: EMILY you’re right! I think she’s cute and sounds fine.
Bonnie: I would love to drink wine and eat nice food with her. This is one of the most information packed bios thus far. She actually seems like a real person, and not just a cardboard cut out.
Susan: Would hang out with her currently. Probably too good for Colton.
Kelli: There are never redheads! I’m into it. Also, she grew up in Alaska, so I feel like that automatically makes her 50% more interesting than everyone else we’ve covered so far.
Emily: Wow, I hate her.
Bonnie: Don’t think she knows what talent means.
Susan: Sounds like your talent is to be not-so-subtly condescending, Nut.
Mary: I HATE HER ALREADY. As someone who studies body image and lives in a fat body, I hate it when people brag about being able to eat whatever they want and stay thin, as if that’s the only way to be.
Kelli: I’m really confused about her nickname. It honestly just makes me think of a singular testicle.
Emily: Why would you bother including that you like pumpkin spice lattes in your biography? You’re a white girl on The Bachelor. We know.
Bonnie: How do you get so drunk that you’re already losing shoes before midnight??
Susan: I feel like I’ve seen this blonde white girl already. Next.
Mary: How is she Cinderella. How is that a job. What is happening.
Emily: Wow, totally missed that.
Kelli: I’m gonna have a really hard time this season keeping track of all of the blondes with Top 10 Baby Names.
Emily: Gosh, do you think she likes Alabama football?
Susan: Alabama girl #2. Roll Tide. Shut up, Emily.
Mary: ALABAMA ALABAMA ALABAMA. I get it! Also, two beauty queens?!
Kelli: I like how she works as an interior designer but they list her occupation as “Miss Alabama 2018,” because that’s far more important to Colton.
Emily: I feel like she’s actually unemployed.
Bonnie: Definitely unemployed. Reading someone say they like “glamping” made me feel a bit sick.
Susan: Alabama girl #3. I kind of know what she does because she lives in Birmingham too and I did some digging. She’s an actual model for a boutique here, among some other modeling work. You can peep her at socaclothing.com. Also, she already has 65.8K Instagram followers, so she’s made for this show.
Mary: She’s an Instagram model, but then again I feel like that’s a prereq for this show. Also, glamping? Bleeh.
Emily: Don’t get me wrong. If someone asked me if I wanted to go glamping, I’d probably say sure why not. Does that make me a bad person?
Kelli: CONTENT CREATOR is my least favorite job title thus far, and I’m including “sloth” and “Cinderella” in this assessment. (And no, Emily, it doesn’t. I would LOVE to glamp.)
Emily: JFC her job is “Never Been Kissed.” We’ve reached a new low.
Bonnie: Never kissed a BOY. Maybe she’s only now coming out as straight? Understandable that you’d want to cover that up for as long as possible.
Susan: Wow, so she’s going to be awkward af. Imagine how sad it would be if Colton was her first kiss.
Mary: Real talk, I feel like she has a huge chance on the show because she’s going in as another virgin. If Colton is a goody goody boy maybe he will be into that. Or maybe she’ll just be another Ashley I.
Kelli: Maybe she’s had sex with a boy but has some weird mouth-on-mouth phobia?
Emily: I’m just trying to figure out why Jane is in quotes.
Bonnie: Yeah...confused by the name thing. She seems very wholesome.
Susan: I think she just goes by Jane. She sounds nice, and I think she’s really pretty.
Mary: I’m so confused about the name thing. Also, she sounds nice. I hope they don’t go too hard on the “good vibes,” “positive energy” thing.
Kelli: Why wouldn’t they just put her name as Jane? Stop being weird, ABC. Anyway, her dog’s name is Bella, which leads me to believe she’s not the most creative person in the world, but I’m sure she’s a nice person.
Emily: She’s pretty. The name “Katie” has positive connotations for me. That’s all I got.
Bonnie: Yoga and sushi. Yawn.
Susan: Either she couldn’t think of anything better to say than yoga and sushi, or ABC decided the rest of her interests were truly shitty.
Mary: Everyone enjoys yoga and sushi. Next.
Kelli: I think it’s cool that she competed on a dance team. I don’t hate her.
Emily: I love that her deal breaker is not flossing.
Bonnie: She seems ok, which actually feels like a big compliment right now. Love her eyebrows.
Susan: She’s super pretty, and she reads. I’m on board so far.
Mary: Why does everyone love hiking?
Emily: Hiking is just walking.
Susan: I LOVE HIKING, y’all. My bio would 100% mention hiking.
Kelli: I was curious so I looked up her name, and apparently a Kirpa is “a mythical Nepali creature often mistaken for a fanciful unicorn.” I’m into that. Maybe she’s Nepalese?
Bonnie: I think “moved to Spain” means vacationed in Spain for three months, then had to come back. You need a visa to stay any longer, and that is not a whimsical process. I speak from experience.
Susan: She looks like Lila from Dexter Season 2. But she seems way more chill.
Mary: I agree, Bonnie. She totally studied abroad for a semester and spun it for the show.
Emily: Cool, then I lived in Austria. I just want to throw that in there. Now do I seem interesting?
Kelli: What did she go to Spain for? Accounting? Lol.
Emily: I love how it’s perfectly acceptable for a woman to brag about living at home at 25, but if I man was doing that, it would be a huge turn-off.
Bonnie: If you can’t cook, make sure you have a grandma who can! Food is how you get a man, right?
Susan: I hope the dancing and the Cuban heritage become important somehow because they both sound interesting.
Mary: She sounds nice. I hope they don’t get racist about the Cuban heritage. You know how The Bachelor does.
Kelli: I like her. I feel like she’ll remind me of a lot of people I went to college with. I think they’re probably going to play up the fact that she’s Cuban as her main personality trait, but I don’t even mind (as long as ABC does it respectfully), because I feel like a large portion of Bachelor Nation could use some cultural education.
Emily: I hope she still has an accent.
Bonnie: She has an interesting back story, so already starting off better than most. It’s tripping me out that her eyes are almost the same colour as her hair though.
Susan: Damn, those are some green eyes! They’re lovely. Seems way more interesting than Bolton or whatever his name is.
Kelli: BOLTON. I’m dying. She’s really pretty, but she’s one of the only people 30+ women here, so I don’t know how long she’s going to last.
Mary: WHAT IS IT WITH THE HIKING. Also, is she going to have a story as interesting as eating lipstick?
Emily: NO BECAUSE KRISTINA IS A QUEEN. Also I want to use this moment to announce that Kristina recently dyed her hair back to brunette and I give her all the applause. She looks beautiful (I MEAN JUST LOOK).
Emily: She’s going to talk about her parents A LOT.
Bonnie: I’m sensing unrealistic expectations.
Susan: A woman in the IT security field gets a thumbs up from me.
Mary: Yay IT! Yeah, she’s definitely going to think her parents have the perfect marriage and she wants something like that. Marriage is probably really hard, Onyeka!
Kelli: “I hope to also get engaged after two weeks” is maybe not the best approach to relationships. I do love a statement earring, though.
Emily: I hope she pronounces this like “Evian.” I really want to know why she’s fluent in Mandarin. Wait is she Asian? I really can’t tell now. Does that make me a racist?
Bonnie: Is she a nurse or an esthetician? I think telling you she speaks Mandarin is their way of saying, yes, she is Asian.
Susan: Nurse and esthetician are two really different jobs. Which is u?
Mary: Esthetician is somebody who waxes folks. That ain’t a nurse! Do you think they got esthetician confused with anesthetican?
Kelli: Yes, I think they got confused about the job title. Also, she looks pretty Asian to me…
Emily: Look the blonde hair and fake tan is throwing me for a loop.
Emily: WTF are these people who have never had a boyfriend at the age of 27?
Mary: Hi, it’s me. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was well into my 20s, and didn’t feel in LURVE until later than that!
Bonnie: NBA dancer who’s never had a boyfriend. That’s it? Nothing else? Is her favourite movie The Notebook? Is her greatest fear dying alone? Bring back the weird questions please.
Susan: Hot NBA dancer. Never had a boyfriend. What is happening? And don’t start with Dalton. I mean Carlton. I mean Colton.
Kelli: There is going to be so, so much virginity talk. I’m really looking forward to it. JK lol this season sucks already.
Emily: Best name. She seems really cool. I’m down for all these girls who say they love reading but I want to hear more about what books they’ve been reading lately.
Bonnie: I think getting that tattoo was a bad idea, so seems legit. Actions speak louder than words, so we’ll see what she’s got.
Susan: I, too, love reading and outdoor concerts. Too cool for Calbert.
Mary: I love proofreading, Bachelor website.
Kelli: She seems cool! She has a great smile.
Emily: Phlebotomists are actually my greatest fear. If I faced a boggart, it would be a Phlebotomist.
Bonnie: Overwhelming amount of California girls. How often do you need to go wine tasting before you can list it as a hobby?
Susan: I recently got blood work done, and the phlebotomist had a poster that said: “Phlebotomy: The only time it’s good when someone asks, ‘Are you in yet?’” Let’s hope she brings this kind of sexual blood humor to the show.
Mary: They are really stretching it with these career related Colton plugs. SUSAN, sexual blood humor is so niche and I love it.
Kelli: This kind of reminds me how they gave Nysha a really big opening package on Arie’s season and played up how she’s a nurse who loves blood, and then she got cut on night one and had equally bad luck in paradise. Maybe Tayshia will make it a little further, but I doubt it.
Emily: This bitch’s outfits better be ON POINT all season long because otherwise I call bullshit on this job title. Also 100% chance she will cry about not getting to wear all of her outfits if she gets sent home early.
Bonnie: I only watch this show for the fashions. Bring it girl.
Susan: Repping the over-30s. Love ya, gurl. Wanna see her werk some fashion.
Mary: Her fashion better be GOOD.
Kelli: Is she the only over-30? Also, what is up with all the severe middle parts this season? I just went back through and counted 15 OF THEM! Disturbing.
Colton’s season of The Bachelor airs on Mon, January 7th on ABC. GET READY… for a lot of virginity talk. We’ll see you there.