Jump in the hot tub and grab a glass of sparkling rosé, because it’s time for the Book Squad’s inaugural Bachelor recap.
And Susan and Emily are tackling this a little bit differently from your average recap of The Bachelor, so strap in because this is going to be random. This is going to be experimental. This is going to be… THE MOST DRAMATIC BACHELOR RECAP… EVER. Until next week.
So here’s how it’s all going to go down. Susan and Emily are going to break this fabulous group of girls into two Fantasy Bachelor Teams. There will be Team Here to Make Cocktails (Susan) and Team Drowning in Bitches (Emily). Every week, we’ll check in on our girls and tally up points that will arbitrarily be decided upon based on whatever random crazy shit happens that week. There will also be random superlatives given out every week. Also we’ll recap the show a little too, we guess.
So let’s get this party started by drafting our teams. Are you as excited as we are?
Susan: I’ll go first since I have dibs on Hannah G. I'll preface this by saying I chose her BEFORE Colton gave her the coveted First Impression Rose (TM). I'm choosing her solely based on hometown loyalties. She seems spunky and cool. #BirminghamBitches.
Emily: She has a very tiny pixie face. I'm not above discussing their appearances because I know so little else about them at this point. So that's my comment about her. Also when Colton gave her the rose, I was like, "Who?"
Susan: Yes, she looks like a woodland fairy. In a good way.
Emily: Okay, we’re doing this snake draft style, so I get the next two picks. My first pick is Demi. She was first out of the limo, which is always a good sign, and she was coming with the weird quips all night. She compared her vagina to confetti cake. She said she hasn't dated a virgin since she was 12. AND her mom is in prison for embezzlement, so she's making it to hometowns. Calling it now.
Susan: See these are the "fun facts" that belong on the bios. I wanna see those in a bullet pointed list next to her photo.
Emily: Yes. This is all really good info I should have known before night one.
Susan: Yeah, I think she'll go far too. I get serious Corinne vibes, but like, Corinne from the country.
Emily: Next up, I’m going to go with Cassie. She's really pretty and smart and I like her.
Susan: Good pick. I think he likes her too. I, however, did not like her dress.
Emily: Maybe she was trying to go with her butterfly intro?
Susan: Her face looks like his face to me. I think if they end up together they will start looking exactly alike.
Emily: Oh, I think she's a lot prettier than he is.
Susan: He did pick up one of her butterflies and put it in his pocket, which means "I like you" in Bachelor land.
Emily: Yes, I thought that was cute actually. Okay, your pick 2.
Susan: Ok, yay! So I'm going with Caelynn (I hate the spelling of this name). She's Miss One of the Carolinas (South? IDK.) She kissed him first which is usually a good sign, and she got a lot of screen time. Plus there was a lot of panning to her when the other pageant girl talked and vice versa. I'm here for some Grown Toddlers and Tiaras drama.
Emily: She is really pretty, but I hated her “Miss Underwood” intro. Like, wouldn’t she be Mrs. Underwood?
Susan: For my next pick I'm going with Canada Caitlin for completely shallow reasons. She's drop dead gorgeous and she had a bomb-ass red jumpsuit that I NEED as soon as possible. Also, Caitlins/Kaitlyns from Canada are winners in my book. Shout out to Bristowe, best Bachelorette of all time.
Emily: So true. Kaitlyn, we love you.
Susan: I want to get drunk with Kaitlyn.
Emily: Okay my third pick will be… Bri. Those cheekbones are insane and her Australian accent was also insane.
Susan: I could not understand why they were talking about this accent thing so much.
Emily: Me neither.
Susan: But like, props, because Aussie is a really hard accent to do.
Emily: And it wasn’t bad! Also she’s really pretty!
Susan: Yes, she’s gorgeous. I was kind of hoping she'd keep it up for like 4 weeks and then just start speaking normally one day with no explanation.
Emily: Yeah I wanted to at least see her admit she wasn't Australian. But I'm assuming this is how it went down: She sat down with him and was like "hey btw I'm not really Australian." And Colton was like, "Huh? Who are you again? Are you the blonde who is really into beauty pageants or the blonde who surfs?"
Susan: That's probably spot on.
Emily: Okay pick #4 is going to be OTHER Hannah.
Susan: Pageant Hannah! Other Alabama Hannah!
Emily: Pageant Hannah who said "I only kissed 4 guys who were my boyfriends." Which is SUCH A WEIRD SENTENCE. What does that mean?
Susan: Yeahhhh, I did not get that. She sounded like a fifth grader who was like, "So far this year I've had three boyfriends," which really means they chased each other at recess.
Emily: Right. Exactly. Side note: these people are all way too young.
Susan: But also, Hannah: I'm really sorry about what happened in the national championship last night. And I'm sorry it aired the same time as your big Bachelor debut. Roll Tide, dear.
Emily: I'm not sorry. I cackled. #BitterBulldogsFan
Susan: Next, I'm going with another name that sounds similar to the ones I just picked! Katie.
Emily: AW MAN. I really wanted her.
Susan: Swooped in and stole your girl. I just thought they seemed to have a little spark when they were talking. Plus, they made out. So. Also she’s beautiful.
Emily: Yes, I agree. I don’t think she’ll win, but I think she’ll go far.
Susan: I hope so. She seemed smart. I could listen to her for a few weeks for sure. Next! I can't believe I waited this long to choose her, but: Tayshia. Second out of the limo. He commented on how pretty she was after she walked away. She was articulate and poised and seemed more mature than the others. Probably because she's 28, aka a reasonable age to be getting married.
Emily: She seems super smart. I just legally can’t pick her because she’s a phlebotomist, and that legitimately is my greatest fear.
Susan: Makes sense.
Emily: Okay let’s see. Next I’m going with Kirpa. She got an intro package. She's cute. She seems cool.
Susan: I liked her, but her dress was kind of bad. But she’s cute, and I like her name.
Emily: Moving right along. I'm taking Miami girl Nicole.
Susan: Aw, man!
Emily: OH NO DID I STEAL YOUR NEXT PICK? HOW DOES IT FEEL?
Susan: It hurts. I can’t lie to you.
Emily: Nicole seems cool. She seems like she could potentially be a good commentary girl, even though I didn't see much of a spark with Colton, which will keep her around for a bit. Think: Tanner on Kaitlyn's season. Also she got an intro package. Usually a good sign.
Susan: I just remembered something Tanner said on Kaitlyn's season and chuckled to myself. That's good commentating.
Susan: Here's what Tanner said when he had to write a eulogy for Kaitlyn. Yes I went and found it:
“I once dated a girl with 25 men. She was beautiful. Her name was Kait-lyn.
“But all we ever did was date in groups. She made me dress up and jump through hoops.
“How I’m still here, nobody knows. Hell, I’m even surprised that I got a rose.
“But I like you and want time tonight. So put it in your planner.
“And in case you forgot, my name is Tanner.”
Emily: Beautiful. I love him.
Susan: Okay, I'm going with Sydney. I just thought she was really stunning and had on a gorgeous black dress. She did make that weird comment like "I basically had to quit my job to be here..." and I'm like, "So did you quit or did you not?"
Emily: Yeah... also I'm sure people do that all the time for the show and don't comment about it. Like don't worry. Play your cards right and you'll have a deal with Sugar Bear Hair on Instagram after this.
Susan: And her job is NBA dancer.
Emily: Yeah, that’s not a full time job.
Susan: Moving along. I'm going to go with Erika McNut. I think she might be some snarky comedic relief this season. When the girl in the Cinderella carriage pulled up, she said, "Wow. I could have done more than a bag of nuts."
Emily: Okay so I'm going to go ahead and take Catherine off the table.
Susan: She'll be around for at least 3-4 weeks. Because ABC said so.
Emily: Right. I feel like I saw some footage that suggests she'll go on a 2-on-1.
Susan: Let's just get this out there though: Her dog hates her.
Emily: I hate her.
Susan: But if your dog hates you, then you must really suck.
Emily: True. She just hands her dog over to Colton like he’s bestowing this gift on him, and meanwhile Colton is probably just missing his own dog. And her dog is like, “Why have you forsaken me?”
Emily: My next pick is a pick of the heart. She’s probably going home next week, but I’m taking Elyse.
Susan: She looks like Ambular.
Emily: Right. I just love redheads.
Susan: She’s so pretty. And she will know who Ambular is because she is of age.
Emily: Right, which is 50% of the reason she’ll go home. The other 50% will be because she’s a redhead.
Susan: As a 30-year-old with red hair, I'm team Elyse.
Susan: Ok. So since Catherine is sticking around to cause problems, I'm going to pick Onyeka, who seems to be one of the people who has beef with her. Maybe ABC will keep them both for a while so they can fight.
Emily: You’re probably right.
Susan: I have no further thoughts on her. Except that she is the one who put on an actual snorkle and said, "I hear you’re drowning in bitches.”
Emily: That was beautiful. Who’s next then?
Susan: Next I'm going with Nina. She was the one who spoke Croatian for her limo exit. She didn't get much screen time, but she's beautiful and seemed smart for the 15 seconds I saw her.
Emily: She speaks two languages, so she’s probably at least a little smart.
Susan: She could be the Kristina of this season. She does seem too smart for Colton though.
Emily: I love Kristina. Okay, so next I’m going with Courtney. I gotta pick my Georgia girl.
Susan: I’m for it.
Emily: Also Chris Harrison made some sort of joke about Colton not knowing how to eat a peach, but it seems fine to me? Was that some weird oral sex joke? Because can we not? Anyway, I’m going to go with Tracy next.
Susan: Good call. She’s gonna beef with Demi.
Emily: She came in a cop car as the "fashion police" and then had on the fugliest outfit. WHO POLICES THE POLICE?
Susan: Oh lort. That outfit.
Emily: So you get 2 more picks and I get the last one. One of these bitches isn’t getting picked. She’ll be on a team by herself against the world.
Susan: Ok. Well I'm going with Annie. I have no reasons. She seems fine.
Emily: It’s come to this.
Susan: Next I'm picking Never Been Kissed Heather, who shall only go by this, her legal name.
Susan: Yes yes.
Emily: Which makes me think she will make it further than Angelique who I literally know NOTHING about.
Susan: Yeah, I know zero facts about her.
Emily: Sorry, Angelique, but that was our final rose. Take a moment and say your goodbyes.
Emily: In the upcoming weeks, we will recap the episode but also check in on our girls specifically (so take close notes on your girls). We can arbitrarily award points to girls for any reason that seems to make sense to the both of us. Sort of like how Dumbledore randomly grants points to Gryffindor throughout the year. And at the end of each recap, we'll be like hmm how many points did we get. There's literally no prize for winning.
Susan: On to the superlatives. I have two for this week. I'd like to award Most Tragic Exit to Erin. She rode in on a full carriage, gave him her glass slipper, and then sat around all night goddamn shoeless on one foot because he never came for it.
Emily: Okay what other Superlative you got?
Susan: Worst Virginity Joke.
Emily: Wow, there were so many. How does one choose?
Susan: I think this one might happen every week.
Emily: Lord help us.
Susan: I'm actually going with my girl Katie on this one. She did the card trick that was all just a way to "take his V card."
Emily: That was elaborate.
Susan: Katie you are better than this.
Emily: Yes, I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU.
Susan: We should do a “We Were Rooting For You” superlative. Because I was rooting for the sloth.
Emily: Yes, me too. She really committed to that. But Colton is too dumb to appreciate such art.
Susan: It was genuinely funny a couple of times.
Emily: It was, and then she took the costume off and was a cutie.
Susan: Like, she was no Alexis the shark/dolphin, but she was funny.
Emily: Hot take: I liked it better than the shark/dolphin.
Susan: Please send her to Paradise.
Emily: I was just going to say, she is definitely going to Paradise. Okay, I have some superlatives. MOST ANNOYING COLTON MOMENT: There are so many to choose from but I'm going with the moment where he quizzed Annie on football knowledge, because fuck you, dude. Women watch football too.
Susan: Oh LAWD. I have to go with when he said, "My life experience has made me more of a man than most 30-year-olds."
Emily: Yeah, no. He is a child.
Susan: I'd like to speak on behalf of all the 30-pluses and say, "Nah."
Emily: And my next superlative: Most understated limo entrance that I think actually worked. I know Alex was sick and couldn't speak, but I think Colton was intrigued by it. And the queue cards were a cute idea.
Susan: I'll second that. Well played, Alex. Best Weekend at Bernie's Moment: the cut to Neil Lane in the live show. Whose job do you think it is to re-animate Neil Lane's corpse twice a year for this shit?
Emily: LOL good point. Weirdest Live Show Party: The hot tub. Especially the weird line of people waiting to have a chance to get in
Susan: And that's saying something because the entire live show was so weird.
Emily: Also how long did Krystal and Chris have to stay in there.
Susan: Oh Krystal and Chris are v dehydrated today.
Emily: So. Weird.
Susan: Imagine waiting in line to sit in water that 30 other people have sat in. The glamour. Follow up question on Neil Lane and the live show: Does he let the "regular people" choose from a less flashy line of rings? Like the contestants get those crazy gaudy ones, but then he brings out his peasant line for the fans?
Emily: Oh yeah also... how shitty would it be to get proposed to on this show? Especially after you realize you’re not the only couple doing it?
Susan: You should murder your boyfriend on live tv if he does this. Justin, if you're reading this, please don't orchestrate a proposal centered on ABC's cash cow The Bachelor and do it on live tv after like three other couples already did it.
Emily: Yes, that’s AWFUL. Nobody wants that.
Susan: If you already planned this, abort your mission immediately. Sit down and think it through. Someone will have to puppeteer Neil Lane, and he loses a little of his essence each time.
Emily: Yes, think of Neil! Poor soul. He signed a deal with the devil and the devil is making him be on this show and he is dead inside.
Susan: I can't wait until the episode where Neil has to show up and pretend to remember who Colton is.
Susan: Every year he's like, "Heyyy...sport."
Emily: I love when Nick Viall tried to joke with him about being glad to see him, and Neil Lane was like, “What?”
Susan: Yes hahahaha one of my favorite Neil Lane moments. Calling it now: Colton will pick a very ugly ring.
Emily: Oh for sure. He has no style whatsoever. There’s no way he’s getting this right.
Susan: It will probably be heart-shaped.
Emily: I cry for the diamonds.
Susan: It will be a “WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU” moment, except we knew he would fuck up.
Emily: Okay well, that wraps up our first recap. Good luck to your team, Here to Make Cocktails.
Susan: And good luck to Drowning in Bitches. I hope we have a 2-on-1 face off.
Catch y’all next week… when Colton continues to be a virgin and people continue to talk about it. <3