Welcome back to the land of unfulfilled desires aka The Bachelor: Virgin Takeover. This week, we get not one, not two, but THREE Parks & Rec guest stars to help us through this trying time. Colton goes on his first dates this week -- two group dates and a one-on-one, and we hear for the 5,000th time how and why he has come to be a virgin. Buckle up because it’s only the second episode. We’re gonna hear a lot more non-sexy stories before this is over.
Team Drowning in Bitches and team Here to Make Cocktails face off this week as ladies rack up points for behaving in very Bachelor ways and ticking lots of Bachelor boxes. We also get our first freak-out, our first competition date, a taste of the Miss USA drama to come (hopefully), and some questionable outfit choices. Find out which team “won” week 2 below. Then ask yourself, “Are there really any winners here?”
Emily: Okay, so this episode starts off with Colton shirtless. We get a special shirtless Colton cam. Why? Is it because his bare chest is better at revealing his emotions than his actual face? Possibly. One thing this episode reaffirmed for me: Colton doesn’t have much in the way of a personality, which is likely why they’re having to lean into this virgin thing so hard. Like, what else does this dude have to talk about? It’s not like his football career was ever anything.
Susan: I’m pretty sure he had lines to read on the phone screen in front of him and still forgot what he was supposed to say here.
Emily: Let’s move on to what we really care about though. The women and, more importantly, our fantasy teams. With Date 1, my fantasy team is on full display. On the first group date, the following members of Team Drowning in Bitches are present: Demi, Bri, Nicole, Catherine, Elyse, and Tracy. For Team Here to Make Cocktails, we get: Hannah G. and Onyeka. So get ready because my team is about to rack up a whole ton of points.
The first date is all about “firsts,” which sounds fucking awful, but then things start looking up when power couple Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally turn out to be the “hosts” of the date. Is that what we call them? Hosts?
Susan: I’m all about celebrity fans of the show coming in to “host” dates and make fun of shit. So they each tell stories about “firsts,” which I think they just improvised, that had to do with sex either directly or via gardening innuendo. Nick used the word “velvety” and I was here for it. Mouths were agape. I’m surprised no one covered Colton’s ears.
Emily: Of course Colton tells a story about his virginity somehow: it’s the first time he told someone he was a virgin. This is the most boring story ever. Colton talks about his virginity like he’s admitting to having some life-threatening disease. Again for the people in the back: VIRGINITY ISN’T REAL.
Susan: Am I supposed to gather from this that Colton has had zero meaningful experiences in his life that don’t somehow have to do with the fact that he hasn’t had sex? Because I believe that is the case. God forbid we hear a story that tells us LITERALLY ANYTHING about his personality. Oh, wait.
Emily: My girl Elyse tells a story about the first time she ever “dated” a younger man. Spoiler: it’s right now, and that younger man is Colton. I really don’t get this. Bachelors like Arie date women that are over ten years younger and no one says anything about it. But every woman who even dares to date a man so much as a year younger than her gets labeled a “cougar.” This is BS, and I don’t expect The Bachelor to be above it because it’s The Bachelor, but I can still be pissed about it.
Susan: I appreciated that Elyse at least tried to be a little funny and still referred to some past dating experience, rather than pretending her entire life has revolved around the 30 seconds she’s spent with Colton. But yeah, the “older woman” trope in this episode is not cool. And I’m not just saying that because I’m the same age as Elyse.
Also LOL Demi says it’s “brave” and “bold” for Elyse to admit she’s “older” in front of everyone. I am certain if Demi was 30, she’d just tell Colton she was 24 for the entire season.
Hannah G. tells the story of getting the first impression rose, a thing that happened like 12 hours ago. Everyone remembers it, Hannah. They were all there.
Emily: Onyeka tells the story about how she told Colton she heard he was drowning in bitches, which makes me sad. It’s like she realized this was a funny line and so has decided to repeat it ad nauseam until the words no longer mean anything. Is it time for me to change my team name? Too late I guess.
Let’s talk about my girl Demi. She uses her “story” time as an opportunity to leave the stage and kiss Colton. For some reason, Tracy is personally offended by this, but I think girl needs to chill. Also, I think demanding a kiss from The Bachelor in front of an audience earns Demi a solid 5 points for my team.
Susan: Definitely a points-worthy move. I feel like this date was the perfect setup for a contestant to do something like what Demi did. And she was the only one smart enough to figure that out.
Emily: So at the after party, Demi continues to ruffle Tracy’s feathers by DARING TO PICK UP THE GROUP DATE ROSE. Oh, the horror. For being an audacious little bitch, I would like to award Demi 1 point.
Also, I want to point out how horrendous Demi’s outfit is on this portion of the date. It’s ruffles and the fact that it’s a flowy two-piece reminds me of her “banana yellow” ensemble on night one. Girl definitely has a look.
Susan: Tracy’s reaction to this whole situation is WILD. She is “short of breath” because Demi touched the rose. I cannot with her.
Emily: I know she’s on my team, but I am really not on her side here. She’s annoying AF. Of Demi, Tracy says, “I feel like she’s here to date a guy and the rest of us are here to fall in love with someone.” Like, girl. Calm down. Susan, I know you said you don’t like Demi, and I know the show is trying to paint her as a villain, but honestly Demi seems pretty chill to me. Playfulness does not equal immaturity.
Susan: I thought I wouldn’t like her, but I’m with her on this one too. I want to see what other “disrespectful” stuff she comes up with. Take this girl to hometowns, plz.
Emily: Of course, Tracy has to have a sit down with Demi to tell her how, like, disrespectful she’s being to roses everywhere or some shit. What really stood out to me during this conversation, more than any of the inane words that were being spoken, was the way Tracy reached out to fix Demi’s hair. Like, that was a power move. I would have slapped a bitch. But further proving my point that Demi is chill, she laughs it off and jokes about her flyaways.
Susan: 2 more points to Demi for not slapping a b.
Emily: Anyway, based on how much attention Colton is giving to Hannah G. on this date, he’s clearly super into her. For that, I’m giving Hannah G. 5 points. However, Colton can’t give the group date rose to the same girl he gave the first impression rose to, so Elyse gets the rose for being a hot older woman who can teach him a thing or two (his words, not mine). I feel like date roses have to be worth a good 10 points. Plus another 2 points because they make out.
Back at the Bachelor Mansion, my girl Miss Alabama gets the first one-on-one date, which has to be, like, 20 points or some shit. And here we finally get a bit of that Miss USA drama we were promised, but all of the details are a little fuzzy. Caelynn says, “We were super close, and then she was not happy that I was first runner-up. She was mad she didn’t place.” And she says she “kind of snapped.” Honey, show don’t tell. What did she do? I need these girls to actually SPILL THE TEA.
Susan: Yeah, Caelynn says that Hannah B(ama) has a facade and that it crumbles pretty “quickly.” That was some expert foreshadowing of this awkward af date.
Emily: On the one-on-one, Hannah B. just keeps saying it’s her birthday over and over again. These two are fascinating. Colton just keeps reminding her that he’s a virgin, and she just keeps reminding him it’s her birthday. Riveting television.
Susan: In the car, she asks Colton what is the first thing he notices about a woman. He said “Eyes, then teeth.” Not smile. Teeth.
The worst part is when they transfer from horseback to randomly placed outdoor gauzy bench and pour some champagne. Colton says he’s going to make a toast, and then Hannah B(ama) will make a toast. She *immediately* panics and you can see the pure terror in her eyes. Colton gives a toast full of Bachelor-appropriate cliches like “the journey” and such, and they clink glasses. Now it’s Hannah’s turn. If this is any indication of how she performed in Miss USA, I’m truly confused as to how she is Miss Alabama. She legitimately cannot.come.up.with.one.thing. Hannah, come on, girl. Just say, “To our first of many dates,” or “To finding love in the craziest way,” or “To 8 more weeks of pretending you’re interesting.” ANYTHING.
Emily: But you know, they tease that the date isn’t going to go well, which means, of course, that the date will end up fine and she gets the rose. We have established that’s 10 points. On the dinner portion of the date, Colton says he feels like Hannah is trying to be perfect, and she doesn’t need to be. She agrees and says she will try harder to open up, and I guess talking about opening up is equivalent to actually opening up.
Susan: But *did it* go well? I thought it sucked. The conversation about how having sex before she was married “killed” her and how sad she is she can’t “give” this to her husband was painful. I know it isn’t her fault she has these feelings about virginity, but can we as a society please agree to STOP TALKING ABOUT IT LIKE THIS? Especially for women. It’s not healthy. She did a human thing and she’s carrying all this guilt, which is probably amplified by the fact that Colton has now put virginity on a weird television pedestal.
Props to Colton though for being suuuuuper patient all day and understanding where her anxiety over needing to be perfect was coming from. That was actually really sweet of him.
Emily: Also, I just want to point out at one point, while Colton is (of course) talking about his virginity, he says, “I had this engraved in me,” which is not the word he was looking for at all. Learn words, Colton.
Not gonna lie: at this point in the episode I was two glasses of wine in and I was getting sleepy. Also, at this point most of my girls had already been on a date and this second date was mostly for Susan’s bitches. So I’m going to let Susan explain this date to you.
Susan: The second group date is a summer camp competition situation, complete with Billy Eichner, who I was relieved to see because I don’t think Colton could have properly hosted this competition.
Emily: This is just a full-on Parks and Rec-sponsored Bachelor episode which I am here for. Hands down, Billy Eichner’s best moment was suggesting Colton might be the first gay Bachelor. I’m not saying that being a virgin makes you gay, ok? But I am saying Colton has a distinct lisp, he cares a lot about his appearance, and if he felt pressured to lie about how many women he had sex with during his football career, well then… what else has he felt pressured to lie about?
I’m just saying it would be the MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR EVER if on the After the Final Rose show, Colton announces that he’s gay and dumps his season’s winner. Of course, following the Becca protocol, that means whoever the winner is will get to be the Bachelorette, so it’s all good.
Susan: I wouldn’t hate it.
Of course they HAVE to talk about his virginity even more. Billy asks if Colton is waiting till marriage and Colton says he’s waiting till he’s in love. Billy: “Fine, you get an award!” Brilliant.
Anyway, so the red team (stacked with women he very clearly wants to win) and the yellow team (some middle-of-the-pack bitches) face off in three challenges: a relay race, a canoe race and a tug-of-war. The red team wins the relay, and the highlight of this is Sydney faceplanting during the wheelbarrow race and Billy yelling, “Like a broken chicken!” in his loud Billy voice.
Emily: While they’re off on this date, Hannah B. is stuck at home worrying about what her pageant arch-rival will say about her when she gets alone time with Colton. I’m hoping she’s going to spill the details, but alas, she does not. I mean, good for Caelynn for taking the high road, but bad for my television-watching experience.
Susan: The yellow team wins the (slow af) canoe “race.” Now there is just the tug-of-war to determine which team will get to stay overnight at the camp with Colton. This is a very sad tug-of-war with a bunch of the tiniest arms I’ve ever seen trying to figure out how to operate a rope.
The red team wins because it has been pre-determined that the red team is who Colton wants to hang out with. Bye, yellow team and your stupid tutus. 2 points to everyone on the red team: Cassie, Katie, Caelynn, Heather and Tayshia.
Emily: Was it just me, or during the tug-of-war, was Colton actively helping the red team pull?
Susan: The winning team puts on cozy sweaters and hangs out with Colton by a campfire. They’re all acting like they just got a fantasy suite date card because this is “overnight.” Caelynn shares a tragic story, so she gets 5 points.
Heather Never Been Kissed decides it’s time to tell him she’s a mouth virgin. Colton tells her, “You know your value” and your “self-worth.” WTF is this shit? And she thinks she’s “more ready” for commitment because of her double-virginity status because she knows what she wants. Girl, NO. Stahp.
The only upside to this conversation is that Heather gets 10 points because she gets the group date rose.
Emily: Let’s get into the cocktail party. Onyeka as being obnoxious AF, which makes me glad you drafted her and not me. Someone gives her props to play with and she blasts a horn and tells Colton she’s feeling “horny.” Somebody stop her. Anyway, I feel like use of props should get you at least 2 points. Even if it’s annoying.
At one point, Demi dons a robe and steals Colton away from Tracy, further cementing their rivalry. I think causing a stir like this at the cocktail party has to be another 5 points.
Susan: And yet again, Tracy loses.her.shit. She cries about Demi and the robe. CRIES. But this is The Bachelor, so crying gets you 5 points. Thank sweet heavens we have Elyse on this show because if Tracy was our only representation of the over-30s, I’d throw myself into the river.
Emily: At the rose ceremony, two of Susan’s girls get eliminated: Erika and Annie. One of my girls gets eliminated: Alex. I’m actually surprised. Before this season started, I thought Alex would go far, mostly because of the dog connection. Were you surprised by either of your eliminations, Susan?
Susan: We hadn’t seen much of Annie, and no screen time for two weeks generally means buh-bye. I was surprised about Ericka, who I hoped would be the season’s narrator. But she told Colton she just wants a bunch of dogs and not kids and he was like YOU’RE DEAD TO ME.
Emily: Also Angelique, our undrafted team of 1 is gone. ;_;
Now it’s time for superlatives! Ugliest Outfit of the Week goes to Demi FOR SURE. Again, that purple monstrosity she wore to the group date hurt my eyes. I’m surprised Tracy, the fashion police, didn’t say anything about it.
Speaking of Tracy, that girl wins the superlative MOST IN NEED OF A CHILL PILL. Not only did she flip out on the group date, but she also was freaking out at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony. At one point, she was actually hiding in her room sobbing. Why? I’m not sure. Demi came in and tried to make her feel better by calling her the most amazing woman she’d ever met. Demi is a strange bird and I love it.
Susan: Cringiest Moment goes to Hannah B(ama) for that truly horrifying toast that ended with “Roll Tide?” Yes, with a question mark.
Best Cameo goes to Billy Eichner for just making fun of Colton and the whole group date.
Emily: This week, Most Boring goes to the Bachelor himself: Colton! No further explanation needed. Way to go, Colton!
Now let’s see who won this damn thing!
Drowning in Bitches
Demi - 12
Elyse - 12
Hannah B(ama) - 30
Cassie - 2
Tracy - 5
Here to Make Cocktails
Hannah G. - 5
Caelynn - 7
Heather - 12
Tayshia - 2
Katie - 2
Onyeka - 2
Congrats to team Drowning in Bitches for sweeping this episode! See you next week for more virginity talk (ugh).