Ahoy, Bachelor Buccaneers! Arrr, it’s your favorite time of the week, mateys. It’s time for Captain Susan and Captain Emily to man their ships: S.S. Here to Make Cocktails and S.S. Drowning in Bitches. Which ship will sail, and which team will walk the plank? Avast ye! Read on to find out. Remember, dead pageant girls tell no tales (or something). Here we go.
Susan: We’re back in the Bachelor mansion, where the magic happens. Except not this year because in case you forgot, Colton is a virgin. Don’t worry: the show will remind you.
Emily: The Colton cam is not back at the beginning of this episode, and I for one am not mad about it.
Susan: They’ve been hinting at the Miss USA pageant queens’ feud for a couple weeks, and we finally get a taste in episode 3, and it tastes like spray tan.
Emily: And yet we still have no idea what this drama is about, which makes for boring television, but more on that later.
Susan: We get right in with the group date card. On the first group date of the week, we’ve got Katie, Heather and Caelynn from team Here to Make Cocktails and Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy and Demi from team Drowning in Bitches. The date card “from” Colton says, “I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure...the clitoris.” JK, it just says, “I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure.” Something he has a better chance of finding.
Emily: I just want to say, Demi’s giant nerd glasses in this scene are so cute. I wish more people would rock the nerd glasses all day long. Apparently I’m not the only one who noticed, because Marie Clare wrote a whole article about hot ladies in glasses this season on The Bachelor.
Susan: So they go to this pirate adventure place. It looks like Medieval Times, but piratey. Would not recommend on a date. When the women walk in, Colton is dressed up as a pirate, and a terrible voice over courtesy of Chris Harrison says some stuff about finding love.
Emily: Colton’s acting is really bad. I’m not into this date at all.
Susan: The women pretend this whole thing is hilarious. It’s not. The girls “train” as “pirates” and the two “best” “compete” for Colton.
Emily: It’s funny because at the beginning of this date, Tracy seemed not into it at all. Like I was pretty sure she would blow the whole thing off. But then somehow she ends up “winning” and facing off with Caelynn. It’s weird because it seems like the producers would have found a way to make it a Caelynn/Hannah B. face-off or a Tracy/Demi face-off for sure. But here we are.
Susan: It’s a showdown between Susan’s team and Emily’s team, and I have low hopes for both. Demi says Tracy is the worst pirate ever, and I have to agree. They do some lame pirate acting and Caelynn wins, as was predetermined by the producers because Colton didn’t want to kiss Tracy. Caelynn gets a kiss. 5 points to Caelynn for winning, and 2 points for the kiss.
Susan: During the evening portion of the date, some pageant drama is a-brewin’. Demi is like, “idc about this pageant shit because I literally care about nothing.” Paraphrasing. I feel some points coming.
Emily: Demi is the best, but her outfits continue to concern me.
Susan: Katie talks to Colton and they are like, “OMG we have SO much in common! I bet if we list our five fave things, it would be SCARY.” They both say, “Sushi!” Which is very *uNiQuE*. Wife her now, Colton. Then they make out. 2 points for the kissing.
Emily: Also, I want to point out there’s some serious leg-rubbing going on as well, which is a sure fire sign a dude is into you. 1 point for Colton actually being into Katie enough to rub her leg. Also I just want to say Katie is super cute. The girls are so pretty this season, but Katie is in the top top.
Susan: I feel like Hannah B(ama) is that girl in your friend group who pukes in your kitchen sink after three glasses of wine and ruins everyone else’s buzz.
Emily: I am impressed by how well the producers played this Hannah B. and Caelynn drama. It’s very clear to me now that they gave Hannah B. the first one-on-one date solely to give her even more anxiety about Colton’s connection with Caelynn. If you’re a Bachelor historian like me (jk, I don’t know what I’m doing), you’ll know that often the person who gets the first one-on-one date also ends up having the most anxiety about her connection with the lead. Hannah B. was an easy target here.
Susan: Back in the dugout, Demi and Tracy have some passive-aggressive chatter about how Demi is young and Tracy is old. I’m over this. Give me the Miss USA stuff. Is it a cult or what? Tell me!
Emily: Demi says something about how they have no idea what Colton’s type is, and somehow Tracy uses this as a moment to stir up shit needlessly. This was extra AF. Tracy says something about how Demi is young and so she doesn’t know anything about types or some other BS. So I am not here for the ageism, and I don’t like that Demi keeps making remarks about Tracy’s age, but to be fair, it seems like Tracy is the instigator most of the time. Either way, 2 points to both of these bitches for this petty ass bullshit.
Susan: Colton tells Caelynn he wishes he could have given her a “real kiss” when she won, and now he does. 2 more points. Then he says he’s excited about “Caelynn and I’s relationship” and I died inside. No one on this show has ever known how to use possessives correctly. The streak continues.
Emily: I really don’t get why it’s so hard. But to be fair, Colton is exceptionally bad at the English language, so this slip up came as no surprise. Don’t drink every time Colton misspeaks, uses incorrect grammar, or uses a word incorrectly. You will die.
Susan: Hannah B(ama), in the downfall move of many contestants in Bachelor history, decides she “needs” to tell Colton that Caelynn is garbage at pageants, or whatever her issue is. Hannah simply CANNOT believe Colton likes Caelynn. She says she is BEFUMBLED. And says, “I don’t know another word.” Another word for this feeling, or any other words?
Emily: It’s funny that she says she doesn’t know another word, as if “befumbled” was actually a word already that she knew. And that she actually hates having to use because it’s so overused. I am sort of impressed.
Susan: Hannah B. gets 3 points for just making some shit up. Anyway, she tries to tell Colton that some “things happened” and Colton is clearly like, “Give me an example, bitch.” And so are we because I wanna know what went down, y’all! Did someone cheat at pageanting?! Tell. Me.
Emily: I love that Colton clearly wants the hot gossip. He’s not getting it though. This is really frustrating for both him and the audience.
Susan: So he pulls Caelynn aside and is like, “Why does Bama hate u?” and Caelynn tells him some “real life shit” has happened to her, but tonight’s not the night to tell him. Does the real life shit involve Hannah? Is this just a distraction technique? What happened at the goddamn pageant, guys?!
Emily: 100% it is a distraction technique. Caelynn clearly knows her Bachelor lore (or Bachelore, if you will). If you spill the details about how you had to eat lipstick as a child to survive or whatever, you can’t get sent home for another few weeks, at least. She’s clearly scrambling to make that happen, but she was hoping for a few more weeks to come up with a better story. Instead, she just cries.
Susan: 2 points for crying. Plus 10 points for the group date rose! Which of course makes Bammah cry, so 2 points to her also.
Emily: Katie was robbed, I say. She should have gotten the group date rose.
Susan: 2 more points to Cae for crying poolside back at the house. I see you, gurl. Cassie also cried when Elyse got the one-on-one, so 2 points to her.
Emily: I’m so happy for Elyse. 20 points for getting that one-on-one, girl. Can we start our Elyse for Bachelorette campaign right now? It’s 2019 and we still haven’t had a ginger Bachelorette!
Susan: Our girl Elyse looks lovely in that plum/magenta color. They take a helicopter, the patented Bachelor mode of transpo, to San Diego to go to a carnival. Colton says it’s a group date, and like 20 kids come running out. It’s my nightmare.
Emily: This is the actual worst. The only way Colton can make Elyse feel okay about this is by first implying that the other women are going to show up. After that, anyone else could have shown up and Elyse would have been relieved.
Susan: They ride rides and talk to the kids as much as anyone can converse with six-year-olds. 2 points to the girl who shouted that her mom wouldn’t let her watch The Bachelor.
Emily: Cool. Whose team is she on? I say those points go to Elyse since it’s her date.
Susan: Elyse has basically already applied to the best preschools in the area for their future children, and I don’t know how anyone is turned on by this whole scene.
Emily: Over dinner, we get Elyse’s truly disturbing sob story. Elyse’s sister found out she had cancer while she was pregnant. So in order to have effective treatment, the sister would have lost the baby. Elyse says “of course” her sister refused treatment, and I’m like… what? Of course nothing. Why should that baby’s life be of more value than the mother’s life? I’m infuriated and confused. I’m not trying to make this a political thing. This is purely a personal thing, seeing how I’ve been very open about my brother’s five-year struggle and eventual loss to leukemia. If this had been my sister and she refused the treatment she would need to live, I would have SMACKED HER ACROSS HER DUMB FACE.
Anyway, 5 points for sharing a sob story. 10 points for getting the rose.
Emily: After he gives Elyse the rose, Colton says “I still have one more surprise for you.” And Elyse is secretly like DEAR GOD PLEASE DON’T LET IT BE A PRIVATE CONCERT. It is a concert, but at least other people are there. 5 points for having to endure a random live band, in typical Bachelor fashion. Who the fuck is Tenille Arts? The lead singer looks like JoJo.
Susan: Also, they dance to a breakup song, which is foreshadowing, Imma guess.
On to the next group date! From team Here to Make Cocktails, we’ve got Tayshia, Nina, Sydney, Onyeka and Caitlin. From team Drowning in Bitches, we’ve got Catherine, Cassie and Nicole. The date card says, “For every strong man, there is an even stronger woman.” I have no doubt this was the case in all both of Colton’s past relationships.
Emily: So before this date, we cut to Colton working out shirtless, of course. That wasn’t surprising. Then he says, “You don’t have to be the fittest person to be my wife, but I need someone who can be there for me.” Okay so like, I’m not surprised by this, but I am baffled. What does that mean? He needs a woman who can lift heavy weights and do push ups so she can be… there for him? I’m lost.
Susan: The biggest surprise of the women’s low-rent Rocky montage is that Catherine has a black belt in karate and Taekwondo. 2 points for that. Sydney is stretching with Colton and all the other woman are acting like he is inside her.
Emily: 2 points to Sydney for scandalizing the other women, even though this stretching was entirely PG.
Susan: Does Fred Willard owe ABC something? This man judges some bullshit contest on every season.
Emily: Poor Fred Willard looks like he’s on death’s door. Let this man go already, ABC! This makes me sad to see him like this. Oh, also Terry and Rebecca Crews are there, but they don’t do much so I almost forgot about them. Anyway, this competition is basically all about lifting heavy things that look like wedding crap. So like, a heavy ass wedding cake, giant tires that look like rings, and a limo. I’m really concerned one of these women is going to break their backs trying to do this. Onyeka is really fired up about winning because she says the winner gets the group date rose. Oh honey, no. Clearly you haven’t been watching this show.
Susan: After her “big” “win,” Onyeka gets a very friend-zoney kiss. 2 points. 5 points for winning the contest.
Emily: Also she runs and jumps into his arms, which is a signature Bachelor move. 5 points for that.
Susan: Caitlin and Colton sit down to finally get to know one another, and Caitlin has nothing. It would have been painful if we hadn’t all already witnessed Bammah full-on panicking through a toast last week. He asks her what she is looking for, and she says she wants someone who can go out with her and her friends and have a “really silly evening.” Colton’s eyes go dead. He’s like, sorry, the correct answer was “I need to marry you and reproduce ASAP and that’s all I’ve ever wanted,” and he sends her home. I lose a team member, but she gets 2 points on the way out for crying. Good job, Caitlin. See you in Paradise. You will be the Samantha of BiP 6. Mark my words.
Emily: I love when the Bachelor sends people home on dates. I’m here for it. Caitlin is clearly super embarrassed. She’s all, “I don’t know if I want to hold your hand, Colton,” in a bold Chris R./goose-style move. And we all know The Goose did well in BiP for some reason, so maybe this will work in her favor? IDK IDK.
Other things that happen in this nighttime portion: Colton is clearly into Cassie, although we don’t get much time with them. He tells her he feels really comfortable around her, and he calls her “quarky,” so 1 point to Cassie for having a Colton-ism directed at you. Also 2 points for the making out.
Nicole cries a whole bunch about her grandma for some reason, so 2 points for her. She also gets the group date rose. 10 points, bitches. Also Nicole ANNOUNCED that she’s here for the right reasons, so 1 point for that too. I also wrote down that Tayshia makes out with Colton at some point? I have to trust my notes, because it’s hard to keep up with all the making out. 2 points to her.
Back at the Bach Mansh, Chris Harrison walks in to announce to the ladies that Colton will not be having a cocktail party tonight because he already knows what he wants to do. And what he wants to do is get shirtless and see these hotties in bikinis. It’s pool party time.
Susan: We’re getting a lot of over accessorizing with these swimsuits. You don’t need 8 gold necklaces for this pool party. Demi is immediately like, “TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFFFFFF” and oils him up. Tracy’s head is exploding somewhere in the background, where Tracy belongs.
Before the ladies can start threatening to snap one another’s tiaras or whatever pageant beef looks like, Colton sits down with dateless-this-week Hannah G. and gives her some kisses and some “I like yous,” so she gets 2 points.
Emily: Just as the previews promised, we’re back to the Pageant Drama. And we’re getting no more specifics than we had before. Colton and Caelynn, giggling and holding hands, walk right by Hannah B., and I’m like really? Did y’all have to do that? Heather is in Hannah B.’s ear, giving her the worst advice in the history of the show. She tells Hannah B. that she needs to tell Colton about what a liar and a phony Caelynn is or whatever. This is such a bad idea that I have to wonder if Heather is intentionally sabotaging Hannah. Either way, 5 points for stirring the pot.
Susan: I can’t tell if Heather is dumb and got sucked into the Bammah spiral, or if she’s so cunning that she’s trying to sabotage Bammah. Either way, this is going to blow up in Hannah’s face.
Emily: Hannah B.’s like, “There is a tank of rage inside me. Right now it’s full.” I think Hannah B just broke. She starts hissing like a snake for a full 20 minutes (probably). It’s weird.
Emily: Anyway, she goes to Colton and he’s like, damnit spill the deets. She does not spill the deets. Colton gets so annoyed by this nothing of a story, he has to go talk to producers about it. You know shit is getting ~*~dramatic when they show us behind-the-scenes shit like producers and cameras. Colton must be losing it for real (JK I’m sure he’s fine).
Susan: Chris Harrison intervenes because this is a Threat Level Midnight emergency. He’s like, “Will this affect your decision tonight?” And Colton pushes his giant wad of gum to the side of his mouth long enough to mumble, “It could.” OK, sure.
Emily: Can we move on to the rose ceremony now? I’m tired of this BS.
Susan: I am HERE FOR Elyse in the red dress. I love redheads in red. #GingerBachelorette2019. Caelynn’s dress is bad. Hannah B.’s jumpsuit is good in theory (backless looks great on her), but that pink color is not good.
Emily: All the people you assume will get a rose get a rose. Demi makes a fucking speech about how she’s elated about getting the rose or some such nonsense. 2 points to her for being extra. Of course, Hannah B. gets called last. Going home are Catherine, Nina, and Bri. The blondes are dropping like flies, but there are still more where these came from. Of course, Hannah B. has to get one more cry in about how much she hates Caelynn. God bless this girl, and thank you for the 2 points.
ON TO THE SUPERLATIVES:
WORST VIRGIN JOKE: Cassie says, “He’s not a stretching virgin anymore” after Colton does some stretching with Sydney. This is barely even a joke. You can do better, Cass.
BEST ACTING: Caelynn crying about having a hard life to avoid discussing her beef with Hannah B. Well played, Caelynn. Well played.
WORST ACTING: Colton as a pirate. He doesn’t look like a pirate. He will never be a pirate. He does not have a future in acting.
MOST DELUSIONAL: I would like to call out Sydney for saying this: “You don’t want to see your boyfriend kissing someone else in front of you.” HE IS NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.
WORST ROSE CEREMONY LEWK: Caelynn. Wut is this dress, my friend?
BIGGEST SNUB: Katie not getting the group date rose.
Before we get into the points for this week, here’s a random gif of Demi spanking Colton, just so you know we’re acknowledging that it happened.
Drowning in Bitches
Demi - 4
Elyse - 42
Hannah B(ama) - 7
Nicole - 13
Cassie - 5
Tracy - 2
Total from last week: 61
Total Total: 136
Here to Make Cocktails
Hannah G. - 2
Caelynn - 23
Katie - 3
Tayshia - 2
Sydney - 2
Onyeka - 12
Heather - 5
Caitlin - 2
Total from last week: 30
Total Total: 81
See you next week, Bachelor Nation!