Susan: Another episode, another Colton shower to get us in the rose-giving mood. Why must we see him shower every episode? We get it. He’s clean. He works out. My fiancé nearly yells, “Is he just naked and someone is in there with him filming?!” Welcome aboard, fiancé. You’re gonna see a lot of Colton’s wet chest hair if you stick around for the remaining episodes. [I gently forced my own final rose recipient (aka my fiancé, Justin) to watch this episode with me, so my commentary this week will feature extra commentary from him. You are welcome for this.]
Emily: I’m glad he’s here with the extra commentary because I hate hometowns. This episode was super boring and, hey, also super sexist. My two favorite things!
Susan: I generally don’t enjoy hometown episodes, but Hannah G. is gonna go to my town, so I really just want to see if she succeeds in choosing good shit to do. Spoiler alert: she very much does NOT.
Emily: Yeah, her choice of date fully confirmed my suspicions that she is boring. But more on that later.
Susan: Ah, Fredericksburg, Virginia. We’re here to visit secret-mean-girl Caelynn and her fam. They get in a horse-drawn carriage, which is a thing I actually did on a Valentine’s Day date with my high-school boyfriend. It’s that lame. The one thing she points out is her pediatrician’s office. She informs Colton she was “such a brat,” as if he and all of us didn’t know that about her.
Emily: I really hate Caelynn and this horse-drawn carriage thing is the most basic ass shit I have ever seen in my life. Of all the boring white girl things, this is the most boringest (until Hannah G. but more on that later).
Susan: Caelynn’s family is having some kind of frying-stuff festival in their backyard, and Caelynn’s stepdad is leering. Or as Justin put it: “Damn, stepdad is mad-doggin’ the shit out of them!”
Emily: I don’t know. This stepdad drama seemed forced. He’s probably super chill.
Susan: Caelynn’s sister Ariana, who clearly wanted to be on tv today, pulls her aside to see how things are going. Please don’t let this be like the time Ashley I.’s sister got to come on Paradise with her for no reason. I know you, ABC. Stop considering it.
Emily: Also please somebody help Ariana with her makeup. You know she put on all that eyeshadow and thought, yes, this will be my lewk for being on TV. Like, that was the best makeup look she had in her arsenal. Help her.
Susan: Caelynn can’t really articulate to her stepdad why she likes Colton, but she does have a nice conversation with him about what a good dad he’s been. They cry. 2 points.
Emily: Look, I still don’t like Caelynn, but when she told her stepdad how much he meant to her and he started crying, lord help me. I teared up. It was sweet. Caelynn’s stepdad, you deserve better than this. 2 more points for making EMILY cry. It would be more, but not gonna lie, it’s really easy to make me cry and also I was PMSing.
Susan: Oh good, home videos. I don’t care.
Emily: Susan remains unmoved.
Susan: At the end of the date, Caelynn drops the L-bomb and says she’s “fully in love” with Colton (why?), which is different than “falling in love with you,” and so gets more points. That’s 15 points, folks. They make out. 2 points.
Emily: Obviously Colton is really moved by her profession of love, which is why he says nothing in return and then dumps her later (spoiler).
Susan: Yay, it’s Birmingham time. Watch how quickly my excitement dies: OK, it’s gone. Colton and Hannah G. meet at what is clearly the Birmingham Botanical Gardens and spend all of zero time there, which is a shame, because it’s actually quite lovely. (Yes, I’m just here to defend Birmingham this week.) She does a run and jump so 5 points.
Emily: It becomes clear very early on that Hannah G. is here to perpetuate all of the stereotypes about Southern people. I am not here for it. If you know anything about me, you’ll know stereotypes about Southerners really get on my nerves. Especially when those Southerners aren’t country at all but rather LIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CITY. BIRMINGHAM IS A CITY. WITH STUFF TO DO. AND INTERNET AND RUNNING WATER. IT’S 2019 (2018 when they filmed this). I am so irritated.
Susan: Next, they visit a historic home that I drive past sometimes, but that I now know I’ll never enter after seeing this episode. OK. So. Hannah wants a “Southern Gentleman” (cue eye roll), so she exclaims, “We’re taking an etiquette class!” Colton’s eyes widen as he scans his brain for this vocabulary word he saw once in sixth grade. Does he remember what it means? No. He grins wildly and just says, “OK.” Justin yells, “What is wrong with this guy?!” And this is how I know he is my true love.
Emily: I took very few notes here because at this point I was just seething with anger.
Susan: It gets worse. After Colton learns how to eat bread, the etiquette teacher who may or not be on something tells Colton that for her whole life, Hannah’s parents have been holding an umbrella over her head to protect her from stuff. And now, they are passing that umbrella to Colton because it’s now his job to protect her. WHAT IS THIS? Let me be clear: Women can take care of themselves. We do not get passed from parent to husband in a marriage transaction like property anymore. Hannah, while young, is a self-sufficient adult, and I can assure you, she does not need Colton to hold anything for her.
Emily: Yes, can we please stop infantilizing women? Cool thank you.
Susan: Another bone to pick: Why is this what they do in Birmingham? Birmingham has a great food scene and several local breweries they could have gone to, and this lady wouldn’t have been there. There are great parks and major historical landmarks, also not featuring this lady. I’m just saying, this could have been any dumb city we were watching. Birmingham deserves better.
Emily: Clearly Hannah G. is just really boring and spends all her free time tearing up little pieces of bread and then slathering those bread shreds with butter. All with a napkin in her lap, of course.
Susan: In the G. family household, we meet like 30 of Hannah’s extended family members and her “best friends.” Since when are best friends part of this? Go away; it’s crowded.
Emily: Hannah’s family reminds me of Clare’s family back in Juan Pablo’s season. By this I mean Hannah and Clare are both very attractive women. And then you look at the rest of their family and wonder where those genes came from and if they were adopted. Sorry, is that rude? I guess I should have gone to an etiquette class.
Anyway, at this point, Hannah’s bitch ass cousin pulls her aside to talk even though they JUST sat down to eat. I’m sorry, but if I just sat down to eat and one of my cousins asked if she could pull me aside to talk, I’d be like, “BITCH THERE IS STILL FOOD ON MY PLATE, SO NO.” Priorities.
But clearly Hannah G. is a woodland sprite who sustains herself on forest dew, so she’s good.
Susan: Hannah’s cousin pulls her aside and is like, “Fantasy suites are coming up. Does it scare you that he’s a virgin?” I didn’t hear Hannah’s answer because Justin interjected, “No, but your part scares me! Look at her hair. Someone did that to her.” And he has a point. The hair is very Kate Gosselin circa 2001.
Hannah cries while talking to her mom, so 2 points. Thanks for sneaking those points in, my girl.
As Colton sits down with Mr. G., Justin says in a Colton voice (which sounds like Patrick Star from Spongebob Squarepants), “Hey can I have your permission to marry her? I’m askin’ all the dads.”
Emily: Colton’s super romantic like that. And it’s good he’s asking all the dads for permission because women are beholden to their fathers until their new husbands take up the umbrella. Colton really took that analogy to heart.
Susan: Hannah tells Colton she is falling in love with him (10 points), and he says it back (20 pionts). Cue makeout. 2 more points.
Emily: I’m so bored. At this point in the episode, I was like “HOW IS THERE STILL SO MUCH TIME LEFT?”
Susan: Tayshia time. Finally. She runs and jumps for 5 points. So since Colton took Tayshia bungee jumping, she blindfolds him and drives him to a plane that they are going to skydive from. Colton looks like he literally shit his pants and now he is panicking because, as we all remember, he doesn’t wear underwear, which means he’ll have to throw out his jeans.
Emily: He probably wears expensive jeans too.
Susan: They skydive. Everyone is fine. Except for me because I’m painfully bored. They both say they’re falling in love, so 10 points for Tayshia saying it, and 20 points for him saying it back to her. Oh, and 2 more for making out.
Emily: Susan is really going to kill me with the points this week. I can feel it.
Susan: We get a much more classic meet-the-family scenario where it’s just Tayshia’s immediate family, and thank goodness. I needed a breather.
Emily: Tayshia’s littlest brother is super cute and adorable. I know those things mean the same thing, technically, but spiritually, I needed to say both. Also Tayshia and her mom are basically twins. It’s insane.
Susan: The highlight of this date is Desmond, Sr., Tayshia’s dad. She gets 5 points for having the best dad. He is not having any of Colton’s generic “I am falling for your daughter” shit. He’s basically like, “Who is this dude?” We all want to know too, Desmond. We all want to know.
Emily: Tayshia’s dad is DA TRUE MVP of this episode. His only flaw? When Colton says he loves Tayshia, Desmond says, “You are a smart man and you seem like you can pick the right words.” Clearly he hasn’t been watching this season. Colton is actually really bad at picking words of any kind, let alone the right ones.
Susan: Colton asks for her dad’s blessing and he’s like, “Ummmm, I just met you.” When Desmond, Sr. talks to Tayshia, he tells her, “You can’t microwave relationships.” Twitter loved this one. Desmond, Sr. does a cool thing where he sits down with both Tayshia and Colton to discuss the “blessing” situation. Thank you, woke dad, for including your daughter and her wishes in this.
Emily: Also note Colton asked Desmond for his BLESSING rather than his PERMISSION. That’s a very different request. He probably realized the whole “permission” thing wasn’t going to fly with this woke dad. Or better yet, maybe Colton asked for Desmond’s permission, and Desmond was like, “You’re asking for my permission? Tayshia is a grown ass woman. She doesn’t need my permission. Why don’t we try this again?” And then Colton asked again but used the word blessing. Yes, this is what happened. This is canon now.
Emily: Finally, it’s time for my last horse in this race. It’s Cassie’s hometown date. Colton meets her on the beach and Cassie runs up to him and hugs him BUT DOES NOT JUMP INTO HIS ARMS BECAUSE CLEARLY SHE’S TRYING TO PLAY ME. So only 3 points for not doing a full run and jump execution. Cassie is my problem child, and she’s my only child left. Thanks for nothing, Cassie.
Susan: And yet, Colton sees nothing problematic about her or this “relationship.” Does no one else think she’s mind-numbingly boring to watch?!
Justin makes a great observation that if any of these girls met Colton at a bar, they wouldn’t like him. STRONG AGREE.
Emily: Anyway, Cassie decides she’s going to teach Colton how to surf. I was excited to see this because I’m heading to Australia this weekend, and I was thinking about trying to get some surf lessons while I’m out there. But, you know, this looks really hard, so I don’t know. Maybe I need to just invest in surf camp and do like a six week intensive program. I just don’t know if I have the core strength for this right off the bat, fam. Colton sure doesn’t. He falls a lot. Then they make out a lot. 2 points.
Susan: Colton is as good at surfing as I imagine he will be at sex.
Emily: Colton clearly likes Cassie best. I think we can all agree on that. He basically tells her to tell him she loves him. But Cassie’s like “nah,” because clearly she doesn’t care about pulling her weight for my team this week. I would disown her, but she’s my only hope.
Emily: They go to Cassie’s house. Cassie’s family is just a whole bunch of hot blondes. Cassie gets 5 points for hottest family.
Susan: Cassie’s dad looks like a youth pastor with a reality show on Bravo. Also, her super hot sister is like semi-famous (?). And I’m not saying having a famous family member and being on a previous reality show says “fame hungry,” but, where there’s smoke…
Cassie’s dad says giving Colton his blessing would be “premature,” and Colton is super sad. But not as sad as he’s about to be when Cassie piles on more rejection.
Emily: After the family time, Cassie still doesn’t tell Colton she loves him, and Colton says he’s confused. This should make the whole elimination process this week easier for him because all the other women either love him or are FALLING in love with him (which in Bachelor world are two distinct steps). But no, clearly he likes Cassie best, so she’ll be sticking around.
Susan: So, he says constantly that his Greatest Fear is someone not feeling the same way, and yet, here we are. Cassie is not feeling the same way, and Colton is still like “But she’s hot though.”
Emily: At the rose ceremony, Hannah G. gets out of the limo and is greeted by Chris Harrison. She’s for real like, “Dang, Chris Harrison. Where ya been? I kind of forgot you were part of this show.” Chris asks Hannah how she’s feeling, and she’s like, “Well Colton said he’s falling in love with me so this is pretty much a done deal.” Oh, honey. It’s like none of these bitches watched Ben Higgins’ season.
Susan: I miss when telling two women “I love you” was such a huge deal on this show. ‘Twas a simpler time.
Emily: Side note: Tayshia looks beautiful. I have it said it yet today, so: TAYSHIA FOR BACHELORETTE!
Susan: Yeah, she’s wearing the hell out of that dress. Hannah, Tayshia and Cassie get roses. This is 10 points each, even though I wish I deduct points for Cassie’s hideous two-piece dress. Caelynn whispers, “Get engaged” to Cassie once she is eliminated.
Caelynn cries for 2 points. Colton and Caelynn sit down and he says, “I don’t know what to say.” And he proceeds to say LITERALLY NOTHING while Caelynn cries and tries to talk about what the hell just happened. He says nothing at all during the whole goodbye. Justin again yells, “Seriously, what is wrong with him?!”
Justin, narrating in Colton’s dumb voice: “I’ll just smush your face into my chest so maybe you stop making noise.”
Emily: She gets in the limo and says some shit about hoping there’s someone out there for her. This is clearly her Bachelorette audition tape. I hope that’s not the direction they go with this. Please.
Susan: Give the people what they want for once. Tayshia or Hannah B.
Emily: SIDE NOTE HERE AT THE END: I heard that Hannah B. actually came to talk to Colton while he was in Birmingham. What do you think that was all about? And why did they cut it? I remember seeing clips of this in the season previews (remember when we see them go into a hotel room together?). So at one point, they were planning on including it. And then they just decided not to? Thoughts?
Susan: Yeah, where was that?! I was waiting on that Hannah B. action. Maybe this footage didn’t make her look great, and now that it’s clear some people are wanting her to be the Bachelorette, they just decided not to show it? Maybe we’ll find out on Women Tell All.
Emily: Okay guys, I will be gone next week because I’ll be in Australia. Maybe taking surf lessons. Definitely hanging out in cat cafes. Kelli will be back to pick up my slack, so give her a warm welcome back and see you all soon!
Susan: Be sure to eat some weird food while you’re there to prove your love to Ben! You’ll be missed!
Most Woke Dad: Desmond, Sr.
Best Lewk: Tayshia’s rose ceremony dress
Most Sexist Moment: The umbrella metaphor, which we should all try to forget immediately
Most Boring Episode: It’s always hometowns.
Whitest Moment: Hannah’s credit sequence “rap,” followed by her dad saying “Word.”
HERE TO MAKE COCKTAILS
Hannah G. - 49
Tayshia - 52
Caelynn - 21
Previous Weeks’ Total: 434
Total Total: 556
DROWNING IN BITCHES
Cassie - 20
Previous Weeks’ Total: 392
Total Total: 412
Susan has increased her lead by quite a bit this week, but there is still SO MUCH that can happen with overnight dates and Women Tell All next Monday and Tuesday. Stay tuned because it looks like the fence jump will FINALLY happen next week. Praise.