New year, same airplane puns. We’re back to recap Hannah Brown’s – er, I mean Pilot Peter’s – season of The Bachelor! We’ve picked our teams, and we’re ready to rack up the points for crying, kissing, screaming, and of course, windmilling. And since ABC gave us a three hour premiere, the competition between Team The Book Club (Emily’s team) and Team Risk It for the Biscuit (Susan’s team) starts NOW. Let’s go.
Emily: Okay well first of all, we're a little thrown off because actual show happened this episode, which we were not prepared for. So I propose we award points for things that happened this episode. As we pick people, we can make our case for any points we think they deserve.
Susan: That works for me. I mean, we make the rules, so let's make the rules.
Emily: Yes sounds good cool.
Alright Susan got to pick first last time, so I'm picking first this time, and then we'll do this snake draft style. AS USUAL. If you don't know this, where have you been? Also welcome.
Okay so my first pick is Hannah Ann.
Real talk: I don't think she'll be THE ONE, but she's a personality. She got the first impression rose. And she made out with Peter three times. So I feel like she's sticking around for a while and racking up some points.
Love at first flight.
Susan: How many points would you say she racked up?
Emily: I don't really think we should give first impression rose points because we've never done that before So I say only things after first rose ceremony count. With that being the case, I don't think she's gotten me any points yet. Is that fair?
Susan: You probably need to be extra fair like that because you kick my ass at this every time. I can use the help of Hannah not getting kissing points this episode.
Emily: Okay, so no points for Hannah Ann yet, but she shows promise.
Susan: Speaking of the fact that I lose every time, I'm making my first pick based on how much I like this woman and not how many points I think she'll get. (I never learn.) I'm going with Victoria P.
Emily: I think that's a good pick. And you picked her despite the fact that she vomited.
Susan: And she should get 4 points. Two points for recovering from a vomiting incident and wearing her glasses to the evening portion of the date, and two points for kissing Peter.
Victoria P. for Bachelorette
Emily: I was going to say. I want to give her points for wearing glasses.
Susan: It was a good move.
Emily: It was so cute. I love a hot girl in glasses.
Susan: My second choice is more strategic because I think this girl is at least going to be top 4: Madison.
Emily: I'm glad you picked her because I do agree she's going to go far but I didn't want her on my team because she's boring. With that being said, she got you a lot of points.
Susan: True. Let's sort this out. A one-on-one date is 20 points. A private concert is 5 (this one felt extra cringey, didn't it?), and kissing is 2.
Emily: This one was extra cringey because Peter's PARENTS WERE THERE. Because nothing I love more on a first date than seeing a private concert with my dude and HIS WHOLE FAMILY.
Susan: Normally I'd give points for meeting parents, but this was so early on that it didn't feel like it was picked specifically for Madison.
Emily: Also I feel like often these meet the parents dates are the kiss of death. If he were really that into you, he'd want to wait.
Homegirl can ball, though.
Susan: I'd give Peter's dad points for wholesome masculinity if I could though.
Emily: Peter's parents remain fabulous as ever.
Susan: Who you got next?
Emily: Give me Alayah.
Susan: Dang it.
Emily: First out of the limo. Getting a solid edit. Again, don't know that she got me any points this week, but I feel like they're coming.
Susan: They had a couple cute moments too. The grandma letter was funny. "A lover of good looks..." "Books!”
Emily: YES. Give me the book lovers.
My next pick is going to be Victoria F. She already cried and I sense major drama coming with her. Also, yes, I know she's a terrible person.
Susan: She had a verrrry painful conversation with Peter wherein she ended up just re-hashing the first awkward thing she said to him in the world's weirdest play-by-play.
Emily: And he was like, "Yeah... who are you?" Very great start. Producers will make him keep her. Mark my words.
Susan: She's like "Remember? I said the thing about being wet?" It was bad.
Emily: Yeah I didn't get that joke at all.
Susan: She’ll bring some points later. I can feel it. But she did already get 2 points for crying.
Emily: Here's hoping because so far I'm losing already. Who you got next?
Emily, being happy for Susan and her early lead.
Susan: Give me Kelley the attorney.
Emily: Dang it.
Susan: I wanted her anyway, but it doesn't hurt that she did get some points last night.
Emily: Yeah so far you're getting ALL THE POINTS.
Susan: I'm going to say she deserves 3 for winning the obstacle course (despite maybe "cheating"?), the standard 5 points for the group date rose, and 2 more for the makeout sesh.
Emily: Sounds fair.
Susan: I'm torn between two women for this next choice, but I'm going to go with Mykenna.
Emily: I hate the way she spells her name wtf. But go on.
Susan: She's the most 22-year-old to ever be 22, and I am hoping for some crying points and maybe even a villain edit. She got quite a bit of screen time, and I just feel like she could implode at any moment.
Emily: Here's hoping.
Cheers to hoping for villain points!
Susan: Hit me with your next round.
Emily: Okay so next I'm going with Tammy.
Susan: Speaking of potential villain edits.
Emily: My favorite thing about Tammy is that she said if she got picked in the rose ceremony, she was going to "eat all the cheese."
Susan: I can relate.
Emily: But also, she was the one who got all up in arms when Kelley beat her in that dumb relay race. And sure Kelley cheated, but as Kelley pointed out, it was dumb.I feel like Tammy should get 2 points for starting minor drama with Kelley in this episode. Here's hoping this keeps going.
Susan: That's fair.
Emily: Next up, I'm going to take Alexa.
Susan: I like her!
Emily: I really like her too. And she's our book club girl, so I'm really rooting for her to go far.This isn't a strategic pick. I just like her. And now my team is officially The Book Club.
More than just a book club girl. Also, God bless waxers.
Susan: Well my next pick was somewhat involved with my team name choice. I'm going with Savannah. She was one of the two wasted girls on the couch, but the other one got sent home.
Emily: Ahahahaha.
Susan: And they're why my team is Risk it for the Biscuit.
Emily: Yes.
Susan: With Savannah, I am hoping for sloppy behavior and catty remarks, both of which she's demonstrated the potential for. She's also really hot, so maybe has some decent staying power.
Iconic
Emily: There are a lot of beautiful women.
Susan: Ok. So my next pick is Sarah! She's the one who listens to lots of podcasts and likes EDM. And they were pretty cute and giggly together.
Emily: She's rull pretty too. Dang.
Susan: She seems sweet. Probably won't get me many points, but I'd be her friend.
Emily: We're getting to that point in the show where I don't know much about these people anymore. But speaking of beautiful women, my next pick is Deandra because she's the hottest one (to me).
Susan: She's very hot. Good choice.
Emily: Okay so for my next pick I'm going with Sydney because she cried on a date I'm pretty sure. So I at least will get two points out of her. Unless I took my notes wrong.
Susan: Wait did she cry last night or on the season preview? She's on the second group date, so did she cry when Hannah was around? Or are you thinking of Shiann?
Emily: I was thinking of Shiann. I'll still take Sydney. Lol.
Susan: Lol. Two points withdrawn.
Birmingham babe Sydney
(Did NOT cry)
Emily: Oh well, I tried.
Susan: A valiant effort. My turn? I'm going with Lauren, who rocked the tight jumpsuit. This is an outfit-based draft pick. But also, she is beautiful and seems cool.
Emily: Sounds good.
Susan: Next I'm picking Payton. I just think she's hot, to be honest. That usually gets you pretty far on this show.
Emily: Yes it can. I guess I'll take Shiann now. LOL. The one who actually cried.
Susan: 2 points given back again!
Emily: Hooray!
Susan: I see more crying in her future. This did not seem like a one-time event.
Emily: Are all the women of color on my team thus far? ARE YOU RACIST? JK .
Susan: I have Lauren!
Emily: Oh right. Lauren is just such a white girl name. I keep forgetting she's not white.
Susan: Well, my next pick is a woman of color, so please don’t take her first!
Emily: Oooh ok. I feel like I know who it's going to be. Let me think about this one… I'm going with Lexi. Because Peter seemed into her car. And she's KIND OF ginger? And I always want a ginger girl to go far.
Susan: Yes. I still miss Elyse.
Emily: Me too. Gone but not forgotten. Okay, who you got?
Remember when Elyse put on a power dress for her big exit? Yes, girl.
Susan: Jasmine!
Emily: Oooh nice. That's NOT who I was thinking.
Susan: Thank you. Jasmine is also a book clubber, so you missed one.
Emily: Aw, fuck. Where did you see that she's a book clubber? I missed that.
Susan: It was mentioned in her bio. We only got to see a quick clip of her limo exit, but it seems she did speak Vietnamese as I predicted in our first impressions post. Also, she's adorable.
Emily: She is very cute, even though she's obsessed with Chick-Fil-A.
Susan: We have to accept these women, flaws and all.
Emily: True. Except for Victoria F. Who modeled for a White Lives Matter company. So fuck her.
Susan: Very not cool. Next, I'm gonna stand in solidarity with my fellow 31-year-old and pick Natasha. I enjoyed her power move of throwing the giant paper airplane to interrupt Mykenna and Peter. I predict she’s the first to say someone isn’t here for the right reasons.
Emily: That's who I thought you were going to take. And then I was like dang maybe she won't. But here we are.
Okay, so now we have three left. I get to pick 2 and leave you with one. I’m going with Kiarra. Because she is very flexible. And can fit in a small suitcase which is ideal for traveling.
Susan: Oh, right! Suitcase!
Emily: And I don't know ANYTHING about these last two women. I guess I'll go with Kelsey. I have no reason. She's slightly less boring looking?
Susan: Ok, so this leaves me with Courtney, who I confused with Kelsey, so this is all the same to me.
Kelsey or Courtney? Eh, give me whichever one is left.
(Also congrats to one of our old faves, Caila, on her engagement to someone who is not Ben Higgins!)
Emily: I'll have to pay attention to her now that she's officially part of Team The Book Club. How are you feeling about your team?
Susan: I feel pretty good this time. I think we might get the hot biscuit Katrina referenced. (RIP Katrina, a night one exit.) And by “hot biscuit,” I mean THE WIN.
Emily: We'll SEE! I took some risks with my team, especially picking Victoria F. so early. But we'll see how it goes.
Susan: You have a knack for this though. You can spot a wild one.
Emily: She gon’ be cray. I can see that. Go team!
Susan: Let the games begin! (Or some airplane word play that means let’s go!)
TOTALS
TEAM THE BOOK CLUB (Emily)
Hannah Ann
Alayah
Victoria F. - 2
Tammy - 2
Alexa
Deandra
Sydney
Shiann - 2
Lexi
Kiarra
Kelsey
Week 1 Total: 6
TEAM RISK IT FOR THE BISCUIT (Susan)
Victoria P. - 4
Madison - 27
Kelley - 10
Mykenna
Savannah
Sarah
Lauren
Payton
Jasmine
Natasha
Courtney
Week 1 Total: 41
Susan soars to an early lead, but we’ve to a whole season to go, y’all. Buckle up because THE CAPTAIN HAS TURNED ON THE SEATBELT SIGN. See you next week!
