Emily: It’s that time of the season. Time for the women to come back together and tell all. And by this, I mean some of the women will be there, and they will all be yelling at each other and (not so secretly) auditioning for a chance to head to Mexico this summer for Bachelor in Paradise. Let’s go.

Susan: This episode is a 2 hour and 45 minute buildup to the only thing we actually want to see this week: bloopers.

Emily: It’s very clear that’s the only thing Chris Harrison wants to see as well. But first, we gotta finish up last week’s rose ceremony because the producers hate us.

Susan: So we’re back on the Gold Coast where Victoria and Hannah Ann are getting ready for the rose ceremony, and Ol’ Petey is pacing around looking panicked. Chris Harrison is there to get the scoop.

Emily: It’s around this time every season where it dawns on me that watching The Bachelor is an exercise in watching the same story over and over again. If I tell you what’s happening now, it’s the same for every season. Peter is sad he has to send one of these women home because he has meaningful connections with all of them (but especially Madison duh). The women are getting ready, throwing on their best “you can’t just throw me away when I look this good” dress, and professing their love for Peter to the camera. Peter says he had two amazing dates and one shitty date and yet he still doesn’t know who to pick.

Susan: So Madison didn’t even come back and finish her fantasy suite date? Even if you’re not going to bang, the overnight part of these dates is actually important because it’s the ONLY off-camera alone time you get with each other. You want to marry a person without ever being alone with them? This is a recipe for disaster.

Emily: There is absolutely no way Madison and Peter are ready for a meaningful relationship with one another, let alone marriage. But here we are. Of course, Victoria and Hannah Ann show up for the ceremony first, and they’re all like, “Where’s Madison?” But it’s a huge fake out because, again, the producers hate us. They just made Madison come in last to try to drum up drama wherever possible because this season sucks so bad.

Susan: Madison with her spider mascara looks she would rather kiss a dingo than be at this rose ceremony.

Emily: Madison says, “I was falling in love with him, and then last night happened, and now I don’t really know.” Girl, then you weren’t in love with him ever. Sorry.

Susan: Of course, Hannah Ann is called first. Then, after what feels like 20 more minutes, Peter says, “Madison?” Yes, with a question mark.

Emily: Madison looks pissed AF here.

Susan: After Madison begrudgingly accepts the rose, Peter legit says “You sure?” They hug for 15 minutes. Hannah Ann starts crying (2 points), and I’m 99% sure it’s because she can tell she’s already lost this.

Emily: Meanwhile, Victoria is just standing there like, “Can I go now? Or?” Eventually, Peter realizes the two other girls are still there and asks Victoria if he can walk her out. Peter tells Victoria that everything he felt was real but he’s just further along with the other girls. Victoria starts crying (2 points) and says she feels stupid. I know she’s leaving and she’s problematic but I also want to say Victoria looks hooooot at this rose ceremony. As she leaves, she says, “I was just hoping to find love. Isn’t that what anyone’s hoping for? I think the conversation he had with Madison changed how he felt with me.” I think… he saved you for fantasy suites and planned to break up with you after and that has always been his plan, girl, but okay.

Susan: Madison makes a toast to “seeing if love can conquer all,” and it’s like Hannah Ann isn’t even standing there. This is now the Madi and Peter show, and I bet it will involve a lot of apologizing.

Emily: I hate them.

Susan: Ok, on the snoozefest. This WTA episode is boring. We begin with a recap of everyone screaming at each other the season. Kelsey’s face when she hears herself call Sydney a “dramatic fucking bitch” is me remembering every decision I made from age 20 to 26.

Emily: The only two women with any sense this season are of course missing. I’m talking about Natasha and Kelley. WTF. My favorite part of the Women Tell All was Chris Harrison’s face throughout the entire episode.

Chris needs a tequila break to deal with these ladies

Susan: Not just the only two women with sense, but two great women from Risk It for the Biscuit who can’t get me any points this week. I miss them. Up first on the drama docket is the Alayah situation. Sydney says she’s a great judge of character and she could just tell something was “off” about Alayah. I don’t understand why we care what Sydney thinks. Alayah’s main defense is that she is “this obnoxious all the time.” Ok.

Emily: Sorry, I’m team Alayah here. Sydney is a mean girl, and I’m not here for her. Someone else I’m not here for: VICTORIA P. I was so glad that she was getting called out for being fake and I was annoyed that the accusations were drowned out by all the screaming. Can you people just let Savannah spill the tea already?!

Susan: I was here for Savannah, who clearly showed up just to call Victoria P. on her shit. When #champagnegate and Kelsey’s crying got brought up, Tammy decides to squash her own chance at a redemption story and just lie, saying she never called Kelsey an alcoholic. Uh...it’s on tape? So everyone is like, yeah you did, Tammy. Then someone asks Victoria P. if she is the one who started the “pill popping” rumor. She starts her defense by reminding people she’s a nurse, and that “from a medical standpoint…” but she’s cut off by Savannah who is like, “Uh, you’re a dermatologist.” 2 points because it made me LOL.

Somewhere in this conversation, Kelsey starts to cry (2 points) because it isn’t cool to call people alcoholics and “emotionally unstable.” She’s right. Mykenna thinks she’s going to have another big moment talking about kindness, but Tammy is not here for it. Cue the intense eye rolls from Tammy.

Emily: Kelsey is the first one to go to the hot seat (5 points), and she’s had even more work done than the last time we saw her. Those lip fillers, girl. Wow. Of course, Chris wants to talk about champagne-gate. He asks what was running through Kelsey’s mind when she drank from the champagne bottle and it splashed all over her. Kelsey says, “My first thought was what does my makeup look like because Alayah had just touched me up.”

Susan: She says Peter made her feel important, loved and special and that she learned a lot from him. She makes a speech about emotions and how men and women should be able to be vulnerable. I mean, that’s true. Crying isn’t a bad thing. But also there are bigger issues to talk about here – like shaming mental illness and addiction – that we’re apparently just going to ignore.

Emily: Because we can never get rid of her, Ashley (née I.) Haibon shows up to let Kelsey know that showing your emotions is totally okay. (Cue eyerolls from Tammy) And she has a present for Kelsey: A HUGE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE. I love how Kelsey holds it like a baby. 2 points for this giant bottle of champagne. Please share, girl.

Susan: Victoria F. is up next in the hot seat (5 points). She’s wearing a red blazer/shorts combo that I dig. It’s very “I committed murder and I’m on trial, and I’m tryin’ to look innocent but also still hot.”

Emily: She immediately starts crying (2 points), and Chris Harrison is like, “Why are you crying?” She says, “I wish I would have let him love me the way that he wanted to sooner. It could have gone a lot different, but we can’t go back.”

Susan: Chris asks her about the rumors Peter’s ex brought up on her hometown date. He’s like so, “Do you break up marriages?” And she’s like, “Nope.” Chris says she’s articulate and owning her emotions, and I’m not into this redemption arc because, again, we’re ignoring a bigger problem from Victoria’s personal life...

Emily: Also I guess we’re just not going to ask her about this White Lives Matter thing. We’re just going to let that slide. Cool.

Susan: Exactly. That’s too real for ABC/Disney. Peter comes out and his scar looks much better, which I assume is the work of a makeup artist or maybe a plastic surgeon. He’s probably relieved Natasha isn’t there because I think he knew there’d be some more calling him out if she was.

Emily: I want to remind everyone that Peter was on my team last season, so technically EVERYONE invited to the hot seat this season was on Team Emily in some way. I love my people.

Susan: Kelley would have been a great hot seat choice but NOOOOOOO. Thanks for nothing, ABC. Killing my game this season.

Emily: Peter says it’s tough not to have other women “suede” you, which is not the correct use of that word, but look, what are words? At this point in the season, I don’t even know anymore.

Susan: What a finasco.

Emily: For some reason, Victoria gets to sit with Peter. IDK why. She says, “First and foremost I want to say thank you for how patient you were with me… and also I’m sorry that I put you through hell.” Peter says, “Love is patient, and when you find someone you care about, I’m not someone who gives up on that easily.” He’s talking to Victoria, but clearly he’s talking about Madison.

Susan: All of his vague platitudes can be assumed to be about Madison at this point. Mykenna tries to have another moment and asks why he put her through a rose ceremony after the 2-on-1, as if there was any way he was keeping her longer than that week. See you in Paradise, Mykenna. Savannah is like, “Do you regret keeping any of these people when you sent home people who were there for the right reasons?” (She means Victoria P.)

Emily: I really need more tea from Savannah. I hope she does a tell-all interview somewhere. Anyway. Before we get to bloopers, we have an important message from our queen Rachel. And it’s all about how mean people are on the Internet. She says, “It’s so unfortunate because people feel comfortable being mean.”

Susan: What crosses a major line – and we’ve seen this directed at both female and male contestants on this show – is that the comments are often racist. A lot of what Rachel read had to do with the color of contestants’ skin and included racial slurs. This is fucked up, and people are terrible.

Emily: It’s interesting that the show is addressing this at a time when Love Island is also being forced to address the negativity online, following the unfortunate death of host Caroline Flack. Yes, Susan and I poke fun of contestants on this show, but we would never send these people death threats or throw hate speech at anyone. It’s crazy to me that people do this, but also not surprising. Why are people like this?

Susan: Seems like it could have been a good time to address the White Lives Matter bullshit, but nah, again, they just let it go by.

Emily: Next week, we’re going to have to endure another two-day Bachelor extravaganza. Chris Harrison promises this is going to be an ending that no one can predict, and I really don’t see how. To me, it seems very clear that Madison will be picked in some way, even if it’s unconventional. If that’s not what’s going on, then I will be very surprised. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Susan: Even Hannah Ann thinks that at this point.

Emily: Before we go, should we talk about the Bachelorette announcement?

Susan: HELL YES, we should. The Bachelor franchise finally did something I’m really, genuinely excited about: picked a grown-ass woman to be the Bachelorette. It’s Clare Crawley!

Emily: You know, Susan tried to tell me it was going to be Clare, and as cool as that sounded, I just couldn’t believe that ABC would go with Clare as the lead after we’ve had to endure several seasons of contestants in their early 20’s. I’m excited to see what real adults who might actually be ready for marriage might fare on this show. It seems like after how awful this season was, ABC is listening and trying to right their wrongs. I’m so excited for a Clare season. I’m going to go back and watch Juan Pablo’s season to prepare!

Susan: What a great idea. I need a palate cleanser after this season.

Let’s see how the points are shaking out after this week…