If it seems like ages since an awkward Hannah B. fumbled through her words after Colton asked her to give a toast on their first date, don’t worry. It will be brought up directly and obliquely throughout the night. You might not know this about Hannah (now just Hannah; she’s earned it), but she’s just a normal girl. It’s basically her defining trait. Much like Colton Underwood’s story on his season was his virginity, Hannah Bama’s story on this season will be her realness, which means sometimes she is a “hot mess.” I mean, yeah, she’s still a beautiful blonde blue-eyed pageant queen, but okay.
Enough ranting. It’s time for our recaps of the season to begin as they now always begin (this is our second season recapping this show and our first Bachelorette season, so bear with us): with Susan and Emily drafting their Bachelorette fantasy teams. Only there’s a twist this time: Susan is on vacation so Kelli is here to draft Susan’s team for her, and Susan will just have to live with the results.
So how did our draft go down? Read on to find out.
Kelli: Hello, and roll tide. I am here filling in for Susan, which means that if she loses at the end of all this, she has only me to blame.
Emily: It also means I feel extremely ganged up on because now you're going to be rooting for her team all season.
Kelli: Well, to be fair, I'd be rooting for her anyway because you already won. And I always root for the underdog.
Emily: W o W. I’m going to recruit Mary to join my team.
Kelli: Speaking of Susan losing, because Susan lost last season, we've decided that she gets the first pick. Which means I get the first pick!
Emily: Yes. So who are you going with?
Kelli: So, my first pick is going to be the only person Susan specifically requested: Luke P. Susan wanted Luke specifically in honor of Luke Perry, but considering he ended up with the first impression rose... pretty solid choice.
Emily: Yes, and based on the preview, he's going to be in the center of a lot of drama
Kelli: Yeah, it looks like he's gonna make it pretty far. I can't tell if the drama is his fault, other people's fault, or both.
Emily: IDK. Apparently Jesus talked to him in the shower and told him to stop fucking random girls in college so...
Kelli: Yeah that was my favorite part.
Emily: Men on this show love a good shower.
Kelli: He was like, "I felt really empty inside, but then God visited me in the shower." Like, woah, God. Inappropriate.
Emily: Yeah, can I at least put pants on first?
Kelli: He's very conventionally attractive and seems like exactly Hannah's type. I think they have a lot of physical chemistry too. He's like, if Colton was smart and kind of mean.
Emily: Okay so... I get two picks because we're doing snake draft. Also. I just want to set the scene: I'm wearing full on Hello Kitty pajamas and drinking Pinot Grigio. Bachelor uniform.
Kelli: I'm wearing target pajamas and drinking a mystery cocktail that I made out of a bunch of leftover items in my fridge + gin.
Emily: Omg twinz. I'm glad we're both drinking for this.
Emily: Anyway, I'm going to go with a pick of the heart to start despite my mind telling me he's only going to get so far. But I have to take my boyfriend of the season first. Can you guess who it is?
Kelli: I KNEW IT!
Emily: LOL I KNEW YOU WOULD KNOW!
Kelli: He's a sweet baby.
Emily: He's so sweet and so cute. I thought I could probably wait a few picks, but then if I didn’t get him I would have been so sad.
Kelli: Nah, I had him pretty high on my list just because I like him. RIP my choices. Also, there is definitely footage of them at least making out.
Emily: I love him. He's totally my favorite of the season. And here's a hot take: COULD HE BE THE NEXT BACHELOR?
Kelli: He seems like a great candidate for FIRST BLACK BACHELOR.
Emily: PLEASE ABC MAKE IT HAPPEN.
Kelli: He's charismatic, has a cute family story, is handsome. THE CAMPAIGN BEGINS NOW. Okay, so who is your second pick?
Emily: My second pick is going to be Peter.
Kelli: DAMN IT.
Emily: He already murdered one pilot so he's clearly a strong candidate for Hannah's heart.
Kelli: Yes. There's never room for two pilots though. And he clearly out-gimmicked the first pilot. I mean he wore his uniform AND gave her a wing pin. The other guy gave her... a paper airplane. Also he has a kind of baby-faced gentleness that I think will go over well with Hannah.
Emily: Also he was the last one out of the limo, which is good placement, historically speaking.
Kelli: See, these are the things I don't know about that give you an edge.
Emily: Look, I have no idea what I’m doing. Who’s your next douche? I mean dude.
Kelli: I see what you did there. I’m going to go with Jed.
Emily: That is a strong choice. We saw some one on one time with Jed in the preview for the season so it looks like he will get at least one one on one date.
Kelli: Yes. He has a tragic broken-heart backstory of some kind, and Hannah has already said that she has a crush on him. Also, I was pleasantly surprised by his musical ability. He is already four hundred times more talented than Lee.
Emily: Also he said, "I can't wait to get to know your heart" which personally made me wanna vom but I think Hannah was into it.
Kelli: She def was.
Emily: Who you got next?
Kelli: Oh I forgot I do two now. I’m going to go with Cam. For the drama.
Emily: Man your team is DRAMA already.
Kelli: #TEAM #DRAMA
Emily: Your team is going to get all of the testosterone rage points for sure.
Kelli: Which also seems to be Hannah's type, so.
Emily: True. Okay, so my next pick is going to be Garrett.
Kelli: Repping Susan in BHAM.
Emily: That Southern accent was STRONG. Honestly, just based on the bios, Garrett was my frontrunner going in to the first episode so I kinda planned on nabbing him since then, despite the fact that he looks a lot like Dean.
Kelli: The Dean comparison was less intense in person, I felt.
Emily: What are the odds someone named Garrett wins twice in a row?
Kelli: Disturbing. Next?
Emily: Tyler C.
Kelli: He was my next pick! But you need some drama on your team.
Emily: Yes, my team is too chill right now.
Kelli: I actually find him super attractive. He has serious Patrick Swayze vibes. Or maybe it was just all the dancing.
Emily: I think he finds himself super attractive is the problem. But we’ll see. I love the dancing video. It gave me some hope that he doesn’t take himself too seriously.
Kelli: Also he's a contractor, which is sort of different and cool this season, because I feel like most of these dudes are like... salesmen of some kind.
Emily: YEAH BORING. Give us more pilots.
Kelli: Okay, so my next pick is Connor J. He is a cutie, and he's also half Chinese, which makes me want to root for him considering the historically low success rates of Asian men on this show.
Emily: Yes, I always root for the Asian men, so I hope he does well.
Kelli: He spoke a lot of French in this episode, which was a little confusing because I'm not sure if he's actually French, but why not.
Emily: Da language of luv.
Kelli: For my next pick, I am going to follow my heart and choose Dustin, who is the person this season Kelli Would Most Likely Date. (If I didn't have a wonderful perfect boyfriend, hi Ivan, I love you.)
Emily: Notice I didn't mention Ben when I said how into Mike I was. That’s marriage. I'm like, eh, I'm legally obligated to you. Let me have this. Anyway why do you want to jump Dustin's bones?
Kelli: He just seems sweet and cute and a little like an ~alt boi~ with his nose ring. I like his style. He reminds me of Wills.
Emily: Isn't he the one who's friends with Wills?
Kelli: Nah, that’s Devin.
Emily: Oh I knew it was someone with a D name.
Kelli: Dustin was on After the Final Rose.
Emily: Look I can't remember all that. You expect me to do research for this draft?
Kelli: I only remember him because I was like, "oh, I like him." And I still like him. Anyway, I HOPE YOU LIKE HIM TOO SUSAN BECAUSE NOW YOU'RE STUCK WITH HIM. Okay, your turn.
Emily: Hmmm… We're reaching the end of my top tier which means we're going into everyone sucks territory. But I’m taking Connor S.
Kelli: He was also my next choice. They kissed!
Emily: Yes and he jumped the fence for her which I think she was actually really into. Apparently now that is a symbolic romantic gesture.
Kelli: Thanks a lot, Colton.
Emily: Yeah, thanks Colton.
Kelli: We can also thank Colton, I assume, for the weird selfie videos.
Emily: Boo! NO SELFIE VIDEOS!
Kelli: They all had selfie videos as they were on their way to the mansion, which really was like, saying goodbye to my iPhone videos.
Emily: Anyway, next I’m going with Luke S. aka Baby Nick Viall.
Kelli: Good choice. Luke S. seems like he's gonna bring some drama.
Emily: I don’t know how into Luke Hannah will be, but Luke raises money for the democratic party, so I’m into it. Okay, your turn.
Kelli: I'm gonna go with Kevin, who is the dude who has a cool job doing therapy with veterans. He didn't get a lot of play this episode but he seems sweet and I'm hoping he and Hannah will find a connection. And my next pick will be John Paul Jones, because I had to. Sorry.
Emily: The only note I wrote down for him is “wow…”
Kelli: It’s a lot to take in.
Emily: It really is. If date rape were a person, that person would be John Paul Jones.
Kelli: Hahaha. I'm thinking he's going to sort of be the Jordan of this season.
Emily: I hope he’ll be funny like Jordan and not annoying like WHABOOM.
Kelli: Please don't say Whaboom in my presence.
Emily: Anyway, it’s my turn. For my next pick, I have to go with the person who would have gotten my first impression rose, and that person is: Jonathan. Because he brought pizza, which really left an impression with me.
Kelli: I think that's the only reason he got a rose, TBH.
Emily: I have ALWAYS SAID that if I were the Bachelorette, my favorite entrances would be the food ones.
Kelli: I would like to note that he's the one who LOVES sparklers.
Emily: I would like an explanation for that still.
Kelli: I’m thinking it’ll come up later. Maybe that's what the ambulance scene in the preview is. Sparkler-related injury.
Emily: Okay I get another one. I’m taking Grant because he sucks.
Kelli: Oh my god, he sucks so bad.
Emily: SO BAD. Also I would like to note he came in eating a hot dog. DID NOT BRING HANNAH A HOT DOG. How you gonna eat food in front of me like that and not offer me any when you know i've been standing here for hours?
Emily: Okay, what you got next?
Kelli: Nothing good. I'm going to go with Matteo, because I'm hoping the sperm donor drama will come into play.
Emily: WHAT A WEIRD THING TO BRAG ABOUT. I’m still not over that.
Kelli: Yeah, I really look forward to Hannah's reaction.
Kelli: Next, I'm picking Tyler G, because he has a side business in dream therapy and I'm hoping he's actually really weird.
Emily: Wow, we each got one of each of the names. A Tyler for you, a Tyler for me, a Luke for you, a Luke for me.
Kelli: A Connor for you, a Connor for me. We’re playing fair.
Emily: Next I’ll take Joey because he brought champagne.
Kelli: If only that made up for his part. I can’t get past it.
Emily: That’s fair. Also I'll take Devin because he's friends with Wills, even though he made a lame virgin joke.
Kelli: Yeah, I was disappointed in that. I was like, really Wills? This is what you have to offer us?
Emily: So you get two more and I get whoever’s left.
Kelli: Wow. How to choose between these incredible picks? I'll go for Daron, because if he could work out his hair he'd be pretty cute.
Emily: I had so little to say about these last dudes. That's the one who looks like OJ Simpson and says he's from Buckhead.
Kelli: Did I just admit to finding OJ Simpson attractive? Oops.
Emily: Literally my only note for him this episode is "Don't trust him OJ SIMPSON.”
Kelli: Well, my only note for Dylan was "he is so boring I don't even remember him," which leads me to Matthew by default.
Emily: My note for Matthew is "He calls himself Matt.” So… Then again my note for Dylan is "I got nothing.”
Kelli: Finishing strong.
Emily: Yes. How do you feel about your team overall?
Kelli: I feel… nervous. For Susan. I honestly can't figure out the difference between the front-runners and the villains.
Emily: My team name will be Team Sausage Party. Because I got the dude who made that joke on my team.
Kelli: I will leave the team name up to Susan, but I do have a suggestion: Team Toxic Masculinity.
Emily: Okay, is it time for superlatives now?
Kelli: SUPERLATIVES! Okay, I’ll go first. The award for Worst Person obviously goes to Scott. Did he really think he was going to be able to lie his way out of that? It is always so shocking to me to watch people openly lie like that.
Emily: I know a lot of people have been speculating that he was a plant to make Hannah look good, but I listened to Demi on the Ben and Ashley I. podcast and she insists that it was all real and she explains how she found out in detail so I believe her.
Emily: Also Demi is my girl and part of Team Drowning in Bitches from our last season of recaps, so HAY DEMI!
Kelli: Well, it did make Hannah look good. Award for Best Takedown goes to Hannah. I don't know what my favorite part was: the part where she told him not to talk because she's talking, or the part where he says 'good luck' and she goes 'yeah good luck.’
Emily: Yes, Hannah is doing a great job so far I think. I actually LOVED how she got awkward during the B-roll filming because those B-roll shots are always so dumb. And I love how she called attention to that.
Kelli: Yeah, she is physically incapable of staring pensively into the distance. And I respect that.
Emily: Yes bring me that "I don't know what to do with my hands" realness.
Kelli: That "I can't focus on anything but the fact that there's a camera on me and I'm not allowed to look into it" realness.
Kelli: My Superlative for Dude I Was Saddest to Lose goes to Brian, the math teacher.
Emily: Yes, he was sweet!
Kelli: He was! And he was funny. He gave good ITMs. He definitely gave off strong math teacher vibes, but I was okay with it.
Emily: Yeah, I just don’t think Hannah’s into nerds.
Kelli: Unfortunately for Hannah.
Emily: Well, she’s 24. Maybe she’ll learn.
Kelli: No, Emily, she has to find her husband NOW.
Emily: Oh okay. Superlative for best limo entrance goes to Jonathan. Let me reiterate: he brought pizza.
Kelli: Superlative for worst gimmick goes to Joe. Never scare a woman.
Emily: JOE SUCKS. BYE JOE!
Kelli: They're trying so hard to do Grocery Joe part 2 and it's like... NOT EVEN CLOSE. He’s like Family Dollar Joe.
Emily: And so many package jokes. Not funny.
Kelli: Small dick energy.
Emily: Definitely. Superlative for hottest goes to MIKE. During his intro package, I just wrote in capital letters: "MIKE IS HOT.” I have some serious Mike thirst happening.
Kelli: Worst line goes to Cam: "I'm not here for my 15 minutes of fame, I'm here for my lifetime of love." Oh, and this isn't exactly a superlative, but, Roll Tide count: 5.
Emily: Wow that's a lot less than I thought it would be.
Kelli: Well I didn't count it if it happened multiple times in one scene.
Emily: Oh I see. Ok that’s less good.
Kelli: Oh, worst outfit goes to Dylan. Wearing a white suit jacket and a black bowtie. Bad. He looked like he was going to Homecoming.
Emily: I care so little about men's clothing that I didn't even notice. I feel like that's got to be the worst thing about being a dude, how boring the fashion is. No wonder none of them care about clothes. Their clothes are boring.
Kelli: Hey, don't say that to Wills.
Emily: Well, WIlls is an exception to the rule. He is killing the fashion game.
Kelli: Do we have anything else to say before we wrap this up?
Emily: I like Hannah, and I'm looking forward to this season, even though her dudes are pretty mediocre overall.
Kelli: Yeah, I think she'll make it interesting.
Emily: Well, Susan, I hope you're happy with your team. I’m pretty pleased with mine.
Kelli: Yeah... sorry again. And I don't know when but I am sure I'll be back to fill in for one of you at some point during this season.
Emily: Yes, shit happens.
Kelli: Until then, ENJOY THE FUN, Y'ALL.
Emily: BYE KELLI THANK YOU.
Kelli: I'll be watching. From the sidelines. Rooting for Susan.
Emily: FUCK U.
Be sure to come back next week and check out our recap of episode 2 when Susan is back in the saddle. Also, be sure to let us know what you think of our teams in the comments! Roll Tide, I guess.