Y’all. This episode. It had everything.
Sexy massages, fancy boats, windmill sex (!), and -- finally -- the breakup we’ve been waiting for all season. It’s the best episode we’ve seen in a long time, and we’re ready to break it all down for you. Let’s get to it so we can get to where Luke fucks off back to where he came from.
Susan: I’ve never seen someone as ready for fantasy suites as Hannah. She came to get down this week. She says, “Fantasy suite week is not about sex. It’s to have the time in a real, raw way without cameras to see where my feelings are truly and find out who I wanna be with for the rest of my life.” Which is true, but it’s also about sex. Windmill sex.
Emily: Yes, we will not rest until we find out who has the windmill sex. Thankfully, we don’t have to wait long.
Susan: Peter is up first, and there’s a run-and-jump for a solid 5 points.
Emily: Peter and Hannah get the traditional boat fantasy suite date. And these assholes have to use their precious boat time to, of course, REENACT THE TITANIC SCENE. And in case you weren’t sure that’s what they were doing, Peter shouts, “I’m the king of the world!” And Hannah says, “And I’m the queen!” Yeesh.
Susan: Peter also wears full-ass jeans on this entire boat ride, which I found perplexing. No one told him to pack some swim gear? Some shorts even?
Emily: Seriously. Hannah basically had her butt out for the entire date, and Peter was fully clothed. Get on Hannah’s level, Peter.
Susan: They basically make out for the entire boat ride. They’re horizontal for 3 points, and there’s a definite butt grab for 3 more. Nice, Peter.
Emily: I really appreciate the work he’s putting in for Team Sausage Party on this date. I also want to say there was a point where I was pretty certain more than making out was going on. As they’re horizontally chillin’ on the boat, we see Hannah’s back arching towards him, and… WHERE ARE PETER’S HANDS? They seem to be daringly close to her no-no square? Is Peter getting to third base in front of the camera? I think he might be.
Susan: At night, Hannah has on this pink satiny sparkly dress, which is the bomb on her but would look like total garbage on me. If I had those legs, I’d never wear pants.
Emily: There are two things that are heavily featured in this episode. One of those things is Hannah’s banging bod. But more importantly, we are getting so many cats in all the B-roll, and it’s like The Bachelorette finally realized how to take this show to the next level. I demand cats in all my Bachelor/ette B-roll from now on. But yes, also, Hannah has great legs.
Susan: Peter is really trying hard to say “I love you,” and he simply cannot figure out how to get there. It takes a while, but finally, he says the magic words. 15 points, Petey.
Emily: Peter, this wishy-washy attitude is not sexy. Thankfully Hannah is fully horned up at this point, so as long as you said SOMETHING, she was going to be down to clown.
Susan: When the fantasy suite card arrives, I can’t help but notice a new intern with better handwriting has taken over card duty. Well done, ABC. And then. They approach. A WINDMILL. Windmill guy is Peter! Not gonna lie, I thought it would be Jed.
Emily: When the windmill shows up, there was literal cheering. I was watching with Bonnie, who you might remember from our first impressions posts. We were both very excited. So excited that I think Peter deserves 2 points for being the Windmill Guy (™).
Susan: This is the first time I remember them showing the box of goodies in the fantasy suite. The show does indeed provide condoms, lube and other goodies. It was a funny callback to finding the condom in Peter’s car. Hannah picks one up and is like, “Peter!” And he says, “It wasn’t me this time!” Aw. Cuties.
Emily: I really love how open they are about sex this season. But… it makes me sad for Kaitlyn, because she was slut-shamed for her entire season and made to feel like crap for having sex with Nick. Kaitlyn deserved so much better, and ABC treated her like complete garbage. The treatment Hannah is getting is just a reminder of how unfair Kaitlyn’s season was.
Susan: Amen, sister. Kaitlyn was forced to publicly defend her actions and decisions throughout her season, and her treatment by viewers was pretty brutal. Kaitlyn, if you’re reading this, you’re still my fave.
Emily: Ditto. Anyway, Hannah and Peter definitely have sex. And we’re happy for them.
Susan: They’re very cuddly in the morning. Hannah says Peter is “so loving and passionate.”
Emily: Hannah says, “If Peter were a Greek god, he would be Zeus, and I would be Aphrodite, the goddess of love.” I can see why they didn’t include more Greek mythology references throughout the episode, because… Aphrodite is Zeus’s daughter. And also Zeus was a rapist. So.
Susan: Peter says, “Last night was the best of my life. We came together like so much.” I’m sure he meant they connected so much, but we all know what this sounds like.
Emily: I definitely snickered like the middle school girl I secretly am. “He said they came,” I said to Bonnie. Because, let’s be real. Sex is hilarious.
Susan: He continues, “After last night, I’m just like, mic drop. Game over. Hannah’s mine.”
Emily: Yeah… again, I just don’t know. I definitely believed in their relationship more this week than I did last week, so maybe he will stick around.
Susan: Tyler is up next, and Hannah says they’re going to relax and indulge. They head to a spa for what is going to turn into a very sexy massage session. Spoiler alert: it’s hot. But before it gets sexy, they have a couples massage and talk about how much they enjoyed Tyler’s hometown date.
Emily: Then the porno starts happening. Tyler says, “You’re making it hard for me to relax, Hannah. I want to pounce on that table.”
Susan: Then Tyler gets up and starts massaging Hannah. She says it’s making her blush. Yeah, ME TOO. This turns into a very horizontal makeout for 3 points.
Emily: While this was happening, I was just innocently eating my dinner and thinking how weird it is to watch pornography while eating a full on curry over rice. I needed wine and candles. This was all very sexy.
Susan: In her ITM, Hannah says their physical chemistry is great, but their emotional connection needs to catch up.
Emily: In between the spa and the dinner, we get a lot more shots of cats, thank goodness, and then Tyler walks up in what I’m realizing is his signature look: a salmon jacket and highwater pants. It works for him, because he is hot.
Susan: I loved this dinner conversation. Tyler says he wants to embrace their future and run with it, and Hannah says that although their physical connection is so hot, she does not want to have sex with him in the fantasy suite because it’s not what their relationship needs.
Emily: I’m having a really hard time deciding if this is good or bad for Tyler in the long run. Is it more likely she’ll keep Peter, the man she banged twice in a windmill? Or will she keep Tyler, the man she spent time getting to know on a deeper, emotional level? Usually, I would assume that if the Bachelor(ette) doesn’t sleep with a contestant in an overnight, the writing’s on the wall. But I just don’t know. If there’s a God, she’ll send Jed home. More on that later.
Susan: Tyler is really great in this moment. He says, “You have to respect and love and honor each other’s boundaries,” and he wants to have the time together to “just be us.” He also says, “I do love you,” which gets him 15 points.
Emily: Good job, Tyler. You didn’t seal the deal, but you did still get us some points. Keep doing you.
Susan: Their overnight is on a boat, which I feel like would fuck with my equilibrium.
Emily: Nah, my dad used to live on a houseboat. It’s all good.
Susan: In the morning, she’s very appreciative of how respectful he was.
Emily: Yes, she says, “Thanks for keeping your dick in your pants last night.” Or something like that.
Susan: He says, “I want things to be organic and happen the way you want them to happen.” Swoon. Hannah says that he stop making out with her just to hold her and that “He’s the most respectful man I’ve ever been with. Ever.” She gets emotional about this, and I’m just like, PICK HIM.
Emily: But also, like, it’s sad that she’s so surprised that a dude actually respected her wishes to not have sex? This should be more normal! As he walks away, she’s crying, and I had to wonder if she’s crying because she regrets her decision not to bone him. Because he is looking like a snack.
Susan: Jed’s up third. I’m so tired of this guy. Even without the girlfriend stuff, he’s just not great. He’s totally checked out, his “concerns” for Hannah always feel like they’re really for himself, and he’s so not compelling to watch. I don’t buy their “connection” at all. Even on Hannah’s end.
Emily: Jed is a 0/10 for me. Would rather have a date with a street cat. Thankfully, we do get more street cat B-roll here. One of the cats meows at Hannah, and Hannah goes, “Kitty!” This was the highlight of the episode for me.
Susan: This is the Arie and Becca date where they just join a random family and eat with them. I’d love to know how ABC picks these people. Jed is acting Jed af, so they have to go chat on a bench. He says, “I need some clarity on Luke.” This is usually the kiss of death for contestants, but I suspect ol’ Jed is gonna sweet talk his way out of it.
Emily: I got pretty excited when she hesitated to respond and then said, “How honest do you want me to be?” For a minute, I thought she was going to break the fourth wall and give us some behind the scenes tea about why she was keeping Luke, but let’s not be silly. Of course she can’t do that. And sadly I do feel like she does like Luke for some reason. This isn’t just a producer pick at this point. She is actually this crazy. She says, “At the beginning, we had a really strong connection that I couldn’t describe… he grabbed my attention first because it was very obvious to me that he’s here for me. And there is a connection, but I’m still trying to figure it out. I do think he’s a good guy. I don’t know what to say.”
Susan: Case closed, right? Nope. Let’s continue to dinner…
Emily: At dinner, all Jed can talk about is Luke. He says to Hannah, “I guess if you’re this close to being with someone forever, what makes you hold on to someone so uncertain?” Hannah says that she’s had the opportunity to see different sides of him. Jed says, “It causes me to feel worried, and when I worry I retract how I feel.” This really pissed me off. This was some bullshit that was on par with what Luke said. He’s essentially telling Hannah that he loves her on the condition that she behaves the way he wants her to behave. But I guess since I guess Jed has a better track record with Hannah and this ultimatum didn’t include slut shaming, Hannah’s just going to let it slide.
Susan: The theory in my household is that Jed is trying to self-sabotage. This is also what I said last week when he got pissy about the last roses coming down to him or Luke. He’s trying to get out. Remember, at this point in time, Jed’s girlfriend is back in Nashville thinking they’re still together. His feet are to the flames now that he’s come this far.
Emily: I also think Jed is worried about what being associated with Luke will do to his “public image” as a “famous musician.” Give it up, Jed. You suck and everyone hates you.
Susan: I don’t like the way he phrased any of this. It felt like he was saying to Hannah “This is a problem you have” while framing it as concern for her well-being. Not cool.
Emily: Yeah, I do not believe Jed is concerned FOR HANNAH at all. Again, it reminded me so much of Luke a few weeks ago when he said to Hannah, “That makes me worried… for you.” Not believing it, buddy.
Susan: They accept the fantasy suite card, and I feel like they probably had sex. We’ll never know though. Damn it. But Jed says, “We didn’t sleep a wink.” They have a horizontal makeout in the morning for 3 points.
Emily: I hated this so much. Worst part of the episode. Jed needs to get off my TV.
Susan: OK FINALLY. It’s time for Luke’s date. And what a waste of a person to take to Santorini. How appropriate that his giant cross is on full display because this date is about to get PREACHY.
Emily: There was another run and jump here, and it was executed fairly well, although no one can ever beat the run and jump between the dog and Jed last week. Either way, Luke gets 5 points for this.
Susan: Their helicopter ride has a few interesting quotes. Hannah: “I think it would be so fun if we could swing from a ladder up here.” Luke: “I love your imagination.” Huh?
Emily: Luke is dumb and unimaginative. There, I just translated that for you.
Susan: Hannah says one of the most red-flag things I’ve heard her say about Luke so far: “I feel like he’s best with me when no one else sees that.” If you’re the only one who sees the positive aspects of a person and he can’t get along with anyone else, that person is likely a problem.
Emily: Another red flag: Luke constantly talks about how much he loves how Hannah responds to him. He says things like, “I love how you light up when I do X, Y, Z.” Even his compliments to her are all about him. It’s all about loving the way she reacts to what he is doing.
Susan: They make out a lot overlooking the buildings of Santorini, and he says, “This is what I want for the rest of my life.” I just wanna get to dinner so we can hear this conversation.
Emily: Why don’t we just cut to the chase. Break down this dinner conversation for us, Susan.
Susan: So he opens the discussion by talking about faith and being a spiritual leader in his family. “There’s so many things that I want for myself and my future wife, and I want it the way I want it.” (RED FLAG.) “I’m so ready to make history for my family and make sure from now on, things are how they’re supposed to be.” (RED FLAG.) Luke wants the entire relationship with his wife to be the way he wants it and how he thinks it’s “supposed to be.”
Emily: Luke goes on to say, “Sex is an incredible thing. It’s a beautiful thing. Only when it’s in the guidelines of marriage. I know you’re not a virgin. We’ve had the talk. You know I’m not a virgin… but I’m saving myself for marriage. I’m very confident that we’re on the same page with our morals. I want to hear it from your mouth… thinking about fantasy suites… I don’t believe [having sex] is something that you should be doing. And I just want to make sure you’re not going to be sexually intimate with the other relationships here. I totally have all the trust in the world for you but I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. If you told me you’re planning on having sex with one or multiple of these guys, I’ll have to go home.”
Susan: Look, that’s perfectly fine if you think that sex should be saved for marriage. But to frame it as all “people of faith” should also think this way is arrogant and self-righteous. How, when, why and with whom a person chooses to have sex is up to them, and your moral code is not everyone’s moral code. And also, this isn’t even a viewpoint that all religions take. The fact that he’s trying to use this against her with religion as the framework is disgusting to me.
Emily: It’s extremely judgmental.
Susan: Also it’s important that we quote this directly because he will, in fact, say this isn’t what he said or meant in just a few minutes. Like he does.
Emily: This is his signature move now. It’s infuriating.
Susan: Hannah says the things he’s saying to her are “not okay” and asks, “Like, why do you have the right to do that?”
Emily: At this point, Luke, in traditional Luke form, goes, “Can I cut you off for a second?”
Susan: Hannah says no. GET. IT. GIRL. Then Luke tries to backpedal a bit and say he could work through it if she’s made some kind of mistake.
Emily: He’s like, fine, I’m willing to work through this with you (LOL). He says, “I can understand a slip up, but with all of them?” Again, Hannah is not pleased with this.
Susan: She says, “I don’t slip up.”
Emily: She also says, “I’m a grown woman and I can make my own decisions and I’m not strapped to a man right now.” I love how Hannah throws his judgmental Christian act right back in his face. She tells him, “You’re questioning me and judging me and you feel like you have the right to when you don’t at this point… Sex might be a sin out of marriage, but pride is a sin too and I think this might be a pride thing.” I was actually cheering at this point.
Susan: Hannah then lays down the damn law in a pretty great monologue about how Luke hasn’t shown respect for anyone at all since he’s been on the show and how he has done countless things that she doesn’t want in a future husband. She says, “I prayed so much for clarity, and I finally feel like I’ve gotten clarity on you. And I do not want you to be my husband.”
Emily: I could actually see the moment of clarity wash over her. It was a beautiful and rewarding moment of television. Like, suddenly, she realized what everyone’s been telling her all alone. Luke isn’t complicated. There isn’t anything to figure out about him. He’s just a huge asshole. She says, “You have already broken my heart through this, and I’ve broken my own heart because I’ve allowed everything. To ignore all the red flags for how I feel… You don’t love me if it’s so contingent on certain things.” (and yet it’s okay that Jed’s love is contingent on certain things? Okaaay..) Anyway, she asks him to leave.
Susan: Luke doesn’t move. Hannah says, “Can I walk you out?” And he just keeps sitting there, once again NOT RESPECTING WHAT SHE SAID. I am taking this transcription from Glamour’s article on the incident:
Hannah: Luke, please. Come on.
Luke: I feel like you owe me at least—
Hannah: I don't owe you anything.
Luke: A minute to share—
Hannah: I don't owe you anything. I have given you so many, so many—oh, my God! I cannot believe you just said that. I'm so mad. I'm so mad. I don't owe you anything at this point. Do you not understand that? I have bent over backwards for this relationship. So I don't owe you anything. Please get up.
Emily: Luke’s doing that thing dogs do when you’re done taking them for a walk and you’re trying to go back inside but they won’t go back inside. It’s infuriating. If Satan and a golden retriever had a baby, it would be Luke.
Susan: What amazes me about Luke is that he never realizes he is doing the exact thing he’s being chastised for while being chastised for it. Example 263: “I don't even care what you just said to me about you feeling like you have clarity on this. I still feel like you don't.” Read that. “I don’t even care what you just said.” That’s terrifying coming from someone you’re dating.
Emily: At this point, Hannah is so done with Luke that she says the one thing she can think of to get him to peace the fuck out. She tells Luke she had sex in a windmill. This is CONFIRMED sex, which means 15 points for my boy, Peter. Get it, Peter. Hannah tells Luke, “From obviously how you feel, me fucking in a windmill? You probably want to leave.” She goes on to say, “I didn't just go into the Fantasy Suite — I fucked in a windmill. And guess what? We did it a second time.” So that’s TWO confirmed hook ups with my boy Peter? Let’s throw him an extra 5 points for the second go around. WAY TO GO! Could not be prouder.
Susan: Then Luke, in the ultimate show of using religion as a tool for manipulation, asks, “Can I pray over you before I leave?” Of course, the answer is no. AMEN.
Emily: So proud of our girl. Yes, Hannah, yes.
Susan: This was riveting television. My favorite episode of the season and the best episode I’ve seen on this show in a long time. And I’m proud of Hannah for how she handled that whole thing. Well done, all. (Except Luke. Please fuck off, Luke.
Emily: Unfortunately, it looks like we haven’t seen the last of Jed or Luke. As much as I wish the rest of Susan’s team would die in a fire, looks like there’s more drama to come next week. For once, I actually can’t predict what’s going to happen next, and it’s exciting. See you next week, Bach fans!
No superlatives this week. The true winner of the week was Peter. And the windmill.
Let’s just get right into the scores!
Team Sausage Party (Emily)
Total This Week: 64
Last Week Total: 444
Team Frat-Tastic (Susan)
Total This Week: 8
Last Week Total: 304
Sausage Party is in the lead by quite a large margin. CAN Team Frat-Tastic come back from this? Probably not! But tune in next week anyway! See you then.