Welcome to the first week of competition between Team Sausage Party (Emily’s team) and Team Frat-tastic (Susan’s team)!
This episode’s got it all: roller skating, a man-pageant, four wheeling, thrown chicken nuggets, and — most importantly — MISS J. ALEXANDER. Let’s see which cohort of bros (brohort?) racked up the most points in Week 2 of Hannah B(ama)’s journey to find a starter husband.
Emily: So we’re done with the intros and we’re ready to get into our first real episode and our first real recap. Just to remind us how offbeat and cool Hannah is, we have some B-roll of her frolicking around a gazebo talking about how excited/ready she is for this experience to start us off.
Susan: I think of this as a low-rent The Sound of Music gazebo jumping impression.
Emily: Cut to Hannah’s crop of dudes chilling around the living room waiting for the first date card. Chris Harrison enters and is like, “You guys are a bunch of fratty-looking fuck bois. Hannah wants to get married. Are y’all ready for this?” They say yes, but Chris seems unimpressed.
Susan: Hard to blame him. It’s group date time!
Emily: The first date goes toooo… Grant, Luke S., Mike, Jonathan and Dylan [Team Sausage Party] and Jed, John Paul Jones, and Luke P. [Team Frat-tastic]. I like to imagine that Hannah picked these dudes for this date solely based on who she most wanted to see in a Speedo.
Susan: Because Hannah is a pageant queen, of course the men are gonna have to compete in a pageant right off the bat. It’s the Mr. Right Pageant, and we have three guest coaches/judges: Alyssa and Alaska from RuPaul’s Drag Race and Miss J. Alexander (Runway Diva Coach Extraordinaire) from America’s Next Top Model. As the squad’s resident ANTM recapper, I was here. for. this.
Emily: Since Miss J. is here, I was really hoping this group would get formal catwalk training a la America’s Next Top Model, but alas, it was not to be. We do however get awesome footage of Mike putting trying on heels and all I wrote was “Mike’s so cute omg” because I am smitten. 2 points for Mike being really hot.
Susan: Also, I think Mike knew who Miss J. was, which made me happy. So they’re gonna do a swimsuit round in Speedos (because what’s a more literal dick measuring contest than actually showing everyone your junk?) and then a talent portion. We get a montage of the men trying to “learn” a “talent.” Like, if you couldn’t juggle when you got there today, you’re not gonna learn right now. Not even Miss J. can help you.
Emily: Also note the rubber chicken on the “talent” prop table. What kind of talent involves a rubber chicken?
Susan: Mike should win the swimsuit round because he does some serious booty werk. John Paul Jones does a hair flip and snaps his Speedo and it’s actually hilarious in my opinion. When Luke P. disrobes, all the men are like, “Okay damnnnn he’s chiseled.” And for real, he has like 30 abs and I do not like it.
Emily: Yes, there is such a thing as being too muscley.
Emily: Okay so everyone is freaking out about how talented Jed is, but… y’all can hear that he can’t sing right? Am I taking crazy pills here? He’s not good.
Susan: You’re not crazy. He sounded okay when he sang at the mansion on night one, but this sounded...nah.
Emily: Meanwhile, Luke has decided that since he doesn’t have any talents, he’s just going to tell Hannah that he’s STARTING to fall in love with her. This is a whole new level of the Bachelorette love continuum. So he’s not “falling” yet and he’s certainly not IN love, but he’s “starting” to fall in love. Susan and I have decided that that is worth 5 points, even though everyone (besides Hannah) knows that this is complete horse shit. He also wins the Mr. Right Pageant because apparently the judges haven’t hopped aboard the Mike train. So I guess good for him. 5 points for winning the pageant solely off of his BS talent and jacked body.
Susan: Plus 2 more points for kissing Hannah at the end of the catwalk. Luke P. is a walking Bachelorette script. Even though he’s on my team, I do not condone his man-pageant win.
Emily: So let’s be real. I’m only here to recap what Mike was doing on the night portion of the date. Let me give you a rundown. First, Mike is like, “Okay, who’s still wearing their Speedo? Be honest.” Then when the dudes start chatting about what a master bullshitter Luke is, Mike says, “In the history of men I’ve never heard someone say I think I’m starting to fall in love with you.” In other words, he is also noting that this is a Bachelor first, but mark my words: this will be a new milestone contestants will try to hit from here on out. I cry for the deterioration of language and the meaning of words.
Susan: So instead of being chill for once in his life, Luke P. doubles down at the cocktail party and again tells Hannah he’s “starting to fall in love” with her. And she says she believes him, which is truly mind-boggling.
Emily: It’s really clear that Hannah wants to bone Luke. That’s the only explanation for how easily she’s believing the words falling out of his mouth. Ladies, please listen up: if a dude says to you, “everything I’m saying to you is true” or any variant of that, then know that everything he’s saying is a LIE.
Susan: Hannah has some one-on-one time with Jed, who seems like a legit sweetie. They make out, so he gets 2 points. Then, much to Luke P.’s chagrin, Jed gets the group date rose for 10 points. This fool Luke really thought he’d get the first impression rose AND the first group date rose. Oh honey, no.
Emily: Back at the Bach Mansh, the first one-on-one date arrives and it’s for… Tyler G.? At first I thought I misheard and I was like “Did they mean Tyler C.? Who even is Tyler G.?” I forgot already. I legit had to look him up, and then I remembered he’s the “you’re literally the girl of my dreams” dude.
Susan: I, too, was surprised to learn of a contestant named Tyler G. And then I was even more surprised to learn he is on my team. But he gets 20 points for the one-on-one, so I ain’t mad at it.
Emily: I watched this episode with Bonnie who you might remember from our Bachelor/Bachelorette first impression posts. She pointed out that Tyler G. kind of looks like a jacked up version of Jared Haibon (originally from Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette, but better known for his Bachelor in Paradise drama with Ashley Iaconetti). I can’t unsee it.
Susan: Inexplicably, they ride in a helicopter to go somewhere else to ride four wheelers in the mud. Hannah is wearing literally all white, so she looks extra muddy. Then they do that other inexplicable Bachelor(ette) thing where they sit on a couch in the middle of nowhere. They talk about how they both had the first one-on-one date and the “pressure” that comes with it. I don’t know about you, but I was pretty bored here.
Emily: Hot take: one-on-one dates are boring. They’re just like… normal dates.
Susan: They have dinner on a rooftop (another classic Bachelor(ette) date staple), and they both say a lot of words without managing to really tell each other much about themselves. They both seem to think it goes well, but I just don’t see anything here. They kiss for 2 points, and Tyler G. gets the rose for 10 points.
Emily: This isn’t a bold prediction, because the person who gets the first one-on-one hardly ever makes it far. But I’m going to say it anyway. I don’t see Tyler G. going far.
Susan: I’m so ready for the next group date. Just get me out of that boring one-on-one. On this date, we’ve got Devin, Tyler C., Joey, Peter and Garrett repping Team Sausage Party and Matteo, Daron, Connor J., Kevin and Dustin repping Team Frat-tastic. Connor S., Cam and Matthew don’t get dates this week.
Emily: For the record, two of the people who didn’t get dates this week are from Susan’s team. Look, my team is eating Susan’s team’s dust this week. So I need these small victories.
Susan: It’s roller derby, which I am excited about and which these dudes are TERRIBLE at. They can’t skate for shit. They are split into two teams to compete, but I do not understand the rules at all, so I have no idea what’s going on except I know they suck at this.
Emily: To be fair, they seem just as confused as I am.
Susan: Chris Harrison provides commentary along with — who else?! — Fred Willard. I’m more convinced than ever that ABC is blackmailing Fred and he has to appear on every season or they’ll tell America some sordid secret about him.
Emily: Poor Fred just looks like he wants to nap. Same, Fred. Same.
Susan: It’s not a group date until someone gets hurt and that someone is Dustin. The green team “wins,” or whatever, and it seems like it was solely thanks to Daron. 2 points to him for carrying his team to victory.
Emily: You could tell that Daron lead his team to victory? Wow, I did not follow at all. All I was thinking was, damn, Hannah’s roller derby outfit is pretty cute and I liked her shiny roller skates.
Susan: In the evening, she has some one-on-one chats with the dudes. Peter seems like a sweetie but doesn’t go for the smooch. She does make out with Dustin (who is a cutie), so he gets 2 points.
Emily: I still feel like Peter has some staying power, despite not going in for the smooch. I know Hannah wants a bold dude, but I think Peter might just fly under the radar for a while until the time is right. Get it? Fly under the radar? Because he’s a pilot?
Susan: Since the theme of this episode is apparently “be bold” because this phrase was used no less than 87 times, Cam decides it’s time to do something annoying courageous and crash the group date he wasn’t invited to. 2 points for stirring the pot. This was a Demi-style move, minus the charm.
Susan: Theory: ABC cast Cam because they knew he’d keep saying that dumb catchphrase which doubles as free promo for them: “A-B-C: Always be Cam.” Also, when Cam crashes the date, he says, “This is a very Cam thing to do” which is something only a psychopath would say.
Emily: Even Hannah doesn’t seem excited to see him. She should have told him straight up, “Look, if I wanted to hang with you, I would have invited you.”
Susan: A few of the dudes confront him and say he stepped on their toes, to which Cam replies matter-of-factly, “Y’all’s toes don’t matter.”
Emily: I’m really over Cam.
Susan: Dustin gets the group date rose for 10 points.
Emily: Because Susan didn’t have enough points this week. Anyway… on to the cocktail party.
Susan: Holy shit, I’m loving Hannah’s red dress for the cocktail party
Emily: Yes, she’s been rocking a lot of red this episode, and it suits her. This dress is super sexy while also saying “hello, I could not possibly have any stretch marks or cellulite because as you can see here is the entire right side of my body.” Anyway, Hannah comes in crying and everyone’s freaking out because they think something terrible has happened. Turns out… Hannah’s just said she has to send someone home or something? I don’t know. This seemed over the top. Thankfully Mike was there to tell someone else to get her a Kleenex.
Susan: A man I’ve never seen before who is also apparently on my team, Connor S., pulls her aside to comfort her and make out with her. He looks like an awkward kisser, but he still gets 2 points.
Emily: Nope, Connor S. is on my team! I actually got points! Hallelujah!
Susan: While Hannah is talking to Kevin (who looks like he’d key your car and call you a slut if you dumped him), Cam makes another ~BoLd~ move and interrupts to bring them both to the world’s saddest picnic in the driveway. He’s like “Remember when I said I was a picky eater? Ha ha ha well here are some chicken nuggets.” Um, what? I like chicken nugs too, but I did not get this.
Emily: I have to admit it. Watching Kevin, Hannah, and Cam sit together inside a heart made of rose petals was pretty wonderful. Could this be the start of a beautiful three-way relationship? Apparently not because Kevin is offended by the chicken nuggets. Instead of eating them, he flings them at Cam in an act of defiance. For those of you who aren’t watching the show and are just reading our recaps, this probably sounds ridiculous. Well, it was.
Susan: Tyler C. tells Hannah she gives him the same feeling he used to get when he played football, which is something I rolled my eyes at but Hannah loved. They make out for 2 points.
Emily: Is it just me or does Tyler C. seem drunk almost every time he’s on screen?
Susan: Hannah and Luke are in that room with the candles all over the wall, and he’s giving her a gross massage. He tells her like a high school dude who’s trying to be “sexy” that he is “good with his hands” and I dry heaved.
Emily: Luke is like a romance bot. He simply says whatever stupid crap he thinks women want to hear.
Susan: Hannah wants to bang him right now, but damn it, there are other people here and that’s super inconvenient! So she takes off his shirt to massage him, and in walks Jed at the exact moment a producer told him to walk in. He tries to act cool but is clearly not thrilled to have seen all of Luke P.’s abs again. Hannah freaks out a little: “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don’t usually say the F-word a lot but fuuuuuuck.” LOL. When she talks to Jed, he’s able to laugh it off.
Emily: Honestly, you know I hate singer/songwriters, especially ones who can’t actually sing, but I was impressed with Jed in this moment. He was really mature and understanding about the whole thing and laughed it off, Good for him. Anyway, now it’s time for the rose ceremony, and here’s how it went down. In order, Hannah calls out: Tyler C, Garrett, Devin, Connor S., Luke P., Dylan, Luke S., Mike, Peter, Kevin, Jonathan, Joey, Matteo, JPJ, Grant, Cam. Going home are: Matt, Connor J., and Daron. I literally had to look up who Matt was because I already forgot his name.
Susan: Wait, who the fuck is Joey?
Emily: Seriously, I can’t keep any of these dudes straight.
Susan: Post-ceremony, Luke busts into Hannah’s ITM to tell her for a third. time. that he’s starting to fall in love. She tries to tell him she’s a little concerned, and he interrupts her, which is annoying. Then he tells her “You can trust me,” which means she definitely can’t trust him.
Emily: You could not PAY me to trust Luke P. Anyway, after the end credits, we get a cute scene of Matteo offering to eat bugs for her since she ate bugs on her Bachelor journey and Colton did not. She demands that he eat a whole handful, and he complies. Hannah jokes about a tiny wing being stuck between his teeth. I’m so grossed out that I need to go brush my teeth straight away. No. Just no.
Susan: I did love her chanting “Crush it! Crush it! Crush it!” while he chewed. Hannah has had some genuinely funny moments so far.
Team Sausage Party
Mike - 2
Tyler C. - 2
Connor S. - 2
Luke P. - 12
Jed - 12
Tyler G. - 32
Dustin - 12
Cam - 2
Daron - 2
OKAY so things started off a little unevenly and Team Frat-tastic hazed the crap out of Team Sausage Party this week. But you never know how things will go down on this #journey, so come back next week to see if Emily’s team can make a comeback!