Grab your blood-soaked rugby gear and pop a bottle of toxic masculinity because it’s time for our Week 4 recap!
Emily: Welcome back for another week of dumb people sitting around talking about dumb stuff. We kick off this week with the fifteen remaining dudes (out of the initial 30) sitting in a circle talking about Cam, which was clearly unprompted and seemed totally natural. ABC, Cam is gone. Let it go. Thankfully, Chris Harrison shows up for his only appearance of this week, and he has news.
Susan: Chris tells the men they’re going to “the smallest state in the union,” and everyone looks at him blankly.
Emily: I was actually really surprised that Chris Harrison said they were going to Newport, Rhode Island, because all of the previews definitely looked like Boston. Then again, I guess all of New England has that vibe. But then the date card came...
Susan: The moment they settle into their historic inn, the first one-on-one date card arrives, and the date is in a whole other state. “Jed -- Meet me in Boston.” 20 points for Jed.
Emily: This was so weird. Like, is this part of Newport’s tourism slogan? NEWPORT: We’re only a 2 hour drive away from Boston!
Susan: After Hannah’s botched attempt at remembering “No taxation without representation,” they hit up a seafood market, and one of them says, “The seafood market is our oyster,” which honestly sounds like something I might say, so I’m not hating.
Emily: I totally missed that. Cute. There is also a “run and jump” here, which if you didn’t follow us last season, is a classic Bachelor move in which the woman runs and jumps into the man’s arms, then wraps her legs around him, like everyone does. This signature move normally earns anyone who participates 5 points, easy. HOWEVER, if it’s a slo-mo “run and jump,” as this one was, we dock points for not fully committing to sticking the landing. So 3 points for Jed.
Susan: So then there’s a lot of walking around and making up historical facts about Boston, some kissing at the Cheers bar, and full-on Halo Top commercial in a park. 2 points for the kissing. Zero points to ABC for trying to make Halo Top a thing.
Emily: Not gonna lie, I eat Halo Top. I actually got some yesterday. And then I started working on the recap to this episode and thought to myself… OMG I got Halo Top the day after watching this episode. I was making fun of the gaudy product placement but then this shit actually worked on me wtf.
Susan: On to my favorite part of this date: they get to play 2-on-2 with two of the Boston Celtics, Terry Rozier and Jaylen Brown. Hannah plays with Jaylen because the Browns gotta stick together.
Emily: I mean… that’s cute and all but I have two questions: 1) Do either of them even care about the Boston Celtics? I love football, but I know if I went to Boston and they introduced me to some of the Patriots, I would be like… Cool, I guess? Can y’all punch Tom Brady in the face for me k thanks. 2) Never take love advice from folks in their early 20’s. We were all doing dumb shit in our early 20’s, especially in the love department. In fact, whatever Jaylen told you, Hannah Beast, just do the OPPOSITE of that.
Susan: I second #2 of Emily’s statement. This date actually looks really fun, and Hannah has good energy, complete with cartwheels and booty shakes. This is my kind of basketball. While they’re kissing, Jed shoots the ball backwards and makes it. It was legit smooth.
Emily: Yes, the basketball was cute. And I’m buying the connection between Jed and Hannah. I feel like he should get points for making that basket, even if they had to shoot that 50 times before he got it right? So 2 points for Jed. Good job, my dude.
Emily: Let’s quickly check in back in Rhode Island, where the rest of the Bachelorette team is sitting around twiddling their thumbs. The next date card comes, and it’s a group date. Everyone is on the date except for Tyler (that’s right! I now have the last Tyler and the last Connor standing -- GOOOO TEAM SAUSAGE PARTY). 20 points to Ty Ty Baby for getting the second 1-on-1 this week.
Susan: Cue ominous foreshadowing of Luke P. being angry and frat-tastic af. At dinner, Jed is about to share what I thought would be a sob story, but it’s...different. He tells Hannah he basically was Here For The Wrong Reasons(™) because he wants to be a famous singer. But now that he knows her, he just wants to be here for her. I guess he still gets points for this? But less than usual. Let’s say 2. He also gets 10 points for the rose.
Emily: Uuughhh… I don’t want to give him any points for this because this is the dumbest story ever and not a sob story at all. Jed’s basically like let me be real with you: I love music. Ok… I just feel like this is his way of avoiding what happens to Luke S. later in the episode with the tequila business (more on that later), so it comes off more like a strategic move than a moment of vulnerability. So okay fine, let’s give him the points, but only because this is sly AF. Not because anyone cares about his shitty music or his bad singing. Anyway, Hannah says she’s “catching feels,” and they make out against a wall. Jed grabs her ass, and I’m deciding that from now on, ass grabs are worth points, so Jed gets 2 points for this ass grab. Nice way to reach for what you want, bro.
Susan: Time for the token “group date where someone inevitably gets hurt” of the season. This time: rugby. On the date, we have Dylan, Connor, Garrett, Grant, Devin, Peter, Mike, and Luke S. (Team Sausage Party) and Matteo, John Paul Jones, Kevin, Dustin and Luke P. (Team Frat-tastic). It doesn’t matter who is on which team. All you need to know is Luke P. and Luke S. are on different teams.
Emily: I tried to keep notes on who’s on what team, but I think I failed, so I’m not even going to mention it. I have a confession to make. I still can’t keep track of which one is Dylan, Dustin, Devin, or Daron. I had to go to the ABC website to confirm that Daron is the one who went home. Honestly, looking at their names right now, I can’t even remember which one(s) are on my team. ARE more than one of them on my team? No clue. So they get to the rugby date and the rugby dudes are like, “the difference between rugby and football is that rugby will kill you faster.” Let’s play!
Susan: My favorite part of this game is Hannah just screaming random calls and rugby terms at the dudes. Also, the crowd is VERY vicious. They are literally chanting “Kill him! Kill him!” at one point. These are Luke’s kind of people.
Emily: I just saw people running. Rugby is v confusing. Kevin gets injured early on in the episode. This is such a CLASSIC group date thing, and ABC loves it because they can use the footage to make us think that someone died. So 5 points to Kevin for giving ABC what they want. Hannah is so upset though. She’s like, “They said rugby was a rough game but I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.” Girl. But this isn’t even the most important thing that happens on this date. Susan, tell us about what really gets things going.
Susan: Ok, so. The big moment that sets off the rest of the episode’s arguments: In the background, we see Luke P. pick up Luke S. and body slam him to the ground. The crowd seems shocked, and the guys who actually witness it were pretty appalled.
Emily: I say 2 points to both Lukes for creating this drama that will take up the rest of the episode. Luke S. is infuriated, and Garrett very wisely tells Luke S. to not let it get to him and that it’s all about how he responds to what happened. 2 points to Garrett for being a grown up. Garrett once again proves to be the dark horse of the season, and I’m genuinely sad we’re not getting more of him because he seems normal and cool. Oh, wait. That’s why we’re not getting more of him.
Susan: Yes, Garrett is wise, but I, too, would be livid if someone just slammed me into the ground for absolutely no reason. (Also, I’d have six broken ribs and would 100% have demanded an ambulance ride.)
Emily: At the cocktail party, once more Hannah pulls Luke P. away first to give him a stern talking to. He says that he’s always had beef with Luke S. and NO ONE ELSE. Uh, okay, Luke P. Whatever you say.
Susan: Luke P. tells Hannah some whack stuff about how Luke S. only talks about his tequila business but never talks about Hannah. But like, would you EVER talk to Luke P. about a girl you like?
Emily: This part was a little boring to me, so my notes are sparse. Basically, next Hannah takes Luke S. aside to get his side of the story. His side of the story is that Luke P. is a big bully and a meanie and tried to kill him. Or something. Hannah, in a confrontation style she must have picked up from Colton last season, is like, “Well, Luke P. told me you’re only here to promote your tequila brand.” Meanwhile I’m like… wait what tequila brand.
Susan: You and everyone else. Tyler later says, “I didn’t even know you had a tequila business.” LOL.
Emily: Getting back to what this show is supposed to be about, Garrett goes to actually talk to Hannah and he tells her, “I’m crushing for ya hard.” I like that this episode they’re really coming up with new and more inventive ways to say I like you. First Hannah was catching feels. Now Garrett is crushing. Cute. They kiss, earning my boy 2 points.
Susan: This group date is exhausting. But one thing is clear: everyone except Luke P. thinks Luke P. is the guilty party.
Emily: Back in eyeroll-a-palooza, Luke and Luke are still going at it. Luke S. tells Luke P. that he can’t wait until he gets kicked off the show, which is HILARIOUS to me, because that suggests that Luke S. actually thinks he’s going to make it further on this show than Luke P. I think nah.
Susan: It’s pretty clear Hannah is doing some mental gymnastics to make sure Luke P. is “right” in this argument, even though he is lying and it can easily be confirmed by talking to literally any other person.
Emily: Peter the Baby-Faced Pilot once again brings our attention back to the fact that this show is about Hannah. He’s like “hey girl hey” and then they kiss. Bam. 2 points.
Susan: It’s really like watching Nick Viall on Andi’s season. Bachelorette time travel.
Emily: Finally, to end this mess of a cocktail party, Garrett gets the group date rose. I’m so proud. I BELIEVED IN YOU, GARRETT!! 10 points.
Susan: Get me out of the room that Luke and Luke are in, please. Let’s go to Tyler’s one-on-one.
Emily: Cut to the final date of the week. It looks cold, and Hannah’s crying because she wants to have sex with Luke P. but people keep telling her he’s a psychopath.
Susan: A classic pitfall of early-20s dating.
Emily: Last Bachelorette season, you might remember it was our boy Wills who got the date with Becca after her group date trauma, and he spent the majority of the date comforting her. This time around, we get Tyler. Tyler is cuddling Hannah and trying to comfort her. He says,
“Just know that when you’re getting down, there’s a reason you’re going through this … I’ll take whatever I can get from you. I want to be the man next to you at the end of this, and today I want to show you that I can be the guy who can pick you up.” Etc etc. Honestly I feel like this is the best case scenario for Tyler, because everyone’s main criticism of Tyler is that he seems to lack substance and he gets to show off his sensitive side here.
Susan: I thought he handled this pretty well. Because as we learned on Colton’s season, Hannah has thing where she feels a lot of pressure to always be perfect, so it was nice to see someone be like, “Hey it’s fine not to be perfect and I’m gonna be here either way.” Good job, Tyler.
Emily: They go fishing for lobster. Then they eat it. It’s riveting television. Tyler makes a sexy joke about wanting some tail. That seems to be his flirting style. It reminds me of that option in The Sims where you can make a raunchy joke when you’re flirting. Tyler just clicks that option over and over again until the make out button appears. Then he goes in for the kill. I play a lot of Sims. But for real. They make out, and it’s actually pretty hot. I had to fan myself (not literally). 2 points.
Susan: Now I’m like, is this my flirting style?
Emily: During the dinner portion of the date. Tyler tells us his sob story, because at this point that’s what is expected on 1-on-1’s. He has a much better sob story than Jed. Tyler says he almost didn’t come because his father almost died a few weeks before the show started. Tyler and his dad would watch The Bachelor together, and his dad is a big fan of Hannah and pushed Tyler to go on the show. 5 points for an actual sob story. Then Tyler gets the rose, duh. You don’t make out with someone like that and not give them the rose. 10 points.
Susan: Tyler says he’s “falling for” Hannah, so I’m gonna say 5 more points. He’s growing on me. And now, poor Tyler is getting the more awkward version of the private concert. The private concert with an audience.
Emily: I have no idea who this singer was, but Tyler gets 5 points for enduring this BS, so woohoo.
Susan: The singer was Jake Owen, who is apparently a pretty legit country singer? But damn, that song was basic af. The lyrics were literally like “Fridays were made for football games” etc. etc. And what’s sad is that if Tyler wins, this will be their first dance song at their wedding, and this fool will come sing it for them. And ABC will air it and we will watch. Sigh.
Emily: Cocktail party time. The Lukes are still beefing, I guess. I can’t keep up with this dumb shit at this point. I am over it. Which is great because (spoiler) we’re going to get a “TO BE CONTINUED” at the end of this episode, so we’ll have to wrap up the Great Luke War next week. I. DO. NOT. CARE.
Susan: She’s gonna tell Luke S. to kick rocks, I’m pretty sure. But just for the record, I get annoyed as hell when they don’t end with a rose ceremony.
Emily: Peter and Hannah hang and Peter asks her to be his girlfriend, which is kind of cute until you realize it’s absolutely meaningless. Peter says, “This is happening fast for me, but I have such a good feeling and I’m ready and I’m going to give it my all.” Or at least I think that’s what he said. I was pretty over this episode at this point. Anyway, should we give points to contestants who call the lead their girlfriend? What do you think, Susan?
Susan: Let’s give him 2 points for asking. It was actually pretty cute. Mike -- looking fly in his red pants (even Justin said, “I gotta get me some red pants!”- I support you, baby!) -- decides to let Luke P. know they’re all onto him.
Emily: Mike calls Luke a psychopath. Luke gets all riled up and finds a phone somewhere (Where? They’re not allowed to have phones?) and looks up the definition of psychopath. I’m pretty sure he shows it to the camera because he can’t actually read it himself. Apparently he’s the EXACT OPPOSITE of whatever it is he couldn’t read on his phone.
Susan: Ok, so this is where Luke P. must have forgotten he’s being filmed because he just says one thing to the dudes and another to Hannah. Let me attempt to explain. Lots of paraphrasing to follow. Luke S. is like, “Why did you tell her about the tequila thing? Do you really think I’m here for the wrong reasons?” And Luke P. is like “No, I don’t think that.” And Luke S. says, “Well can you tell Hannah that?” Basically, he asks Luke P. to tell Hannah he was wrong. And Luke P. says he will.
But then. Luke P. goes to Hannah and says that Luke S. asked him to put in a good word for him with Hannah. And that he still believes Luke S. is here to promote his tequila biz. Holy shit, I need a tequila shot at this point.
Emily: I swear on all that is good in this world, this better wrap up fast on the next episode, because both Lukes are terrible and this is taking away precious time from the good people on this show. And there actually are a couple! In fact, let’s get into superlatives. This week, my Darkest Dark Horse superlative goes to Garrett, who continues to just quietly be a good dude.
Susan: Best Pants: Mike.
Most Surprised to Still Be There: Devin. I literally had to Google him to make sure that was actually a person on the show when I heard his name. He’s gotta also be confused that he hasn’t gone home yet.
Emily: I have one more superlative. Place I want to go to the least: Newport, RI.
Susan: Maybe it’s better in the summer?
Emily: Finally, let’s tip our hats to the real winner of this episode: Halo Top. Way to be, Halo Top. Way to be. Bye for now!
Team Sausage Party
Luke S.: 2
This Week: 62
Last Week’s Total: 82
Luke P.: 2
This Week: 46
Last Week’s Total: 83
Team Sausage Party pulls out — er, I mean, ahead! Here’s Hannah giving you a trophy for this week’s performance: