Kelli: Hello everyone. Because Susan is moving in with her “final rose” this week, I am here covering for her.
Emily: Hi, that still makes me want to vomit. But welcome, Kelli.
Kelli: Thanks. This is the first time I will have to publicly reckon with the choices I made when I drafted this team. If I were Susan, I’d be extremely mad at me.
Emily: Yeah well… unfortunately some of the dudes you picked are still around. I hate all of them. #Mike4Bachelor #TeamPeter #TeamTyler #TeamAnyoneElseButLukeorJed
Kelli: Our introduction to Riga mostly involves the dudes wandering around the city in a group, shouting things like “Look at this building!” and “LatVIUHHH!” It seems like they’re having fun, except we all know that they really aren’t because they’re forced to be around Luke.
Emily: I’m going to be real with you. If I was told I would get to travel the world for free but that Luke would have to come too… I would probably still be down. I’m a whore for travel. Anyway, Luke says that he’s very frustrated that he didn’t get more time with Hannah at the last cocktail party, and Tyler is like, “Yeah, dude, welcome to how we feel every day. Stay in your lane.” You can go ahead and assume every sentence uttered by the dudes this week ends with “stay in your lane.” Clearly that’s all the men took away from Hannah’s speech last week. And I’m not sure they understand what that means, but more on that later.
Kelli: Garrett is given the first one-on-one of the week, so 20 points to him. In an ITM, Luke says that this is the first time he’s “actually legitimately jealous.” So all those other times you seemed jealous you were just faking, right bro? He says that he’s willing to put his “heart on the table.” What the fuck does that mean?
Emily: These dudes are really bad at platitudes because they’re constantly getting sayings wrong and saying things incorrectly. We’ll see more of that throughout this episode. Also, I’m pretty sure Garrett ONLY got this one-on-one to make Luke mad. I’ve gone on the record as being a fan of Garrett (many times), but he and Hannah have ZERO chemistry, as far as I can tell. And she has chemistry with everything.
Kelli: I don’t find Garrett attractive at all, but he does make a smart move in wearing a sweater that perfectly matches the color of his eyes. From what I could discern, there was a walk and jump - how many points is that, Emily?
Emily: I think we’re going 3 points when the run and jump is not fully executed. We’re very serious about points even though they’re completely arbitrary and there is literally no prize for winning.
Kelli: Today is about “building trust,” and the date card mentions the word “leap,” so obviously they’re gonna jump off some shit. Hannah knows this, but what she doesn’t know is that the bungee jumping will be completely “butt-ass naked.” Apparently, this is a tradition in Latvia, which Hannah says but which we also learn from an unrealistically attractive Latvian couple. Does everyone in Latvia look like that? Should I move there?
Emily: So I googled this tradition and could not find anywhere in Latvian lore that it mentions getting naked and bungee jumping? Especially since the first bungee jump happened in Bristol in 1979? But whatever. Details.
Kelli: Obviously Hannah is terrified, and Garrett would be terrified if he wasn’t a little distracted by her bare tits pressed against his chest.
Emily: This episode is definitely a boner-watch episode. This is the first definite boner of the night. I don’t care if their “no-no squares” weren’t touching (Hannah’s words… she mentioned this on her Instagram). Her tits were still out and this dude has been surrounded by men for the majority of the past however many weeks it’s actually been. He has a boner.
Kelli: They do some light making out before the jump. I feel like Garrett should probably get 3 points for a naked make-out, as much as it pains me to award more points to your highly-stacked team.
Emily: Thank you, baby.
Kelli: On the ground, they scream a lot and drink champagne. Garrett vows to “leave everything behind” from previous weeks and focus only on their relationship. Lol.
Emily: I’m sorry, but what relationship? They just pressed their semi-naked bods together and I still felt nothing.
Kelli: We NEED to talk about Hannah’s dinner outfit. My roommate showed me a comment on ONTD that referred to it as an “Elle Woods ensemble,” which is spot on, tbh. Not only was Hannah wearing a knee-length, pale pink fur coat, but she also had on wide-legged pink sequined pants, a pale pink top, AND a double-looped silver bauble necklace. To top it all off: pink glitter eyeshadow. It is by far the most insane outfit I have seen since I started watching this show, and that includes the sloth costume.
Emily: When I saw her strut up in this outfit, I seriously screamed. She looked like she skinned a pink Big Bird. I feel like after getting completely buck naked with Garrett, for the evening portion, she decided to even it out by wearing the LEAST SEXY outfit available to her. I mean. What.
Kelli: At this point, the bar for “vulnerability” is so low that Garrett admitting during dinner that he hated high school football so switched to golf somehow counts as “opening up.”
Emily: Okay, so several things went wrong in the evening portion of this date. For one, Garrett announces that his family wanted him to play football but he decided golf was his true passion. I’m looking at Garrett and thinking, boy, you look way too tiny to play football. That’s what this is really about. Golf is a small man’s sport. Don’t @ me. Also, HANNAH LOVES FOOTBALL, so you’re definitely not making it to hometowns now.
Kelli: Is there an equivalent of “roll tide” for golf?
Emily: Absolutely not because GOLF IS BORING AND IF IT ISN’T TIGER WOODS, WE DON’T CARE. Anyway. The second thing that goes wrong: Garrett tries to talk to Hannah and get her to open up and be vulnerable and stuff. He basically does the Colton Underwood move of asking “so what makes you YOU?” It doesn’t really work, and we learn NOTHING about Hannah. Hey, Kelli, did you know that Hannah used to feel pressured to be perfect? And now she is opening up and being herself?
Kelli: Sorry what? I wasn’t listening. I’m bored.
Emily: Exactly. At this point, because they’ve both been “vulnerable,” I guess, Garrett decides to open up and tell Hannah he’s falling in love for her. Ya heard me. He’s falling in love FOR her. So if you’re new to the Bachelor/ette world, let me break down what just happened here. Normally, in the stages of courting the Bachelor/ette, you have two proclamations: 1) You are falling for them/are beginning to fall for them and 2) You HAVE fallen in love WITH them. I think Garrett forgot to study up on this date and in the heat of the moment, he forgot what stage he was supposed to be at. And so, in a state of panic, seeing that rose on the table just waiting for him, he said that he was… kind of both things?
Kelli: I’m so in love for you.
Emily: So romantic. Either way, Garrett gets 10 points for professing his love, but we’re going to dock -2 for this bitch saying it wrong. (so it’s 8 points, math fanatics)
Kelli: Garrett obviously gets the rose for an additional 10 points. Yay? I don’t really like him. He was especially annoying last episode and he continues to provoke drama with Luke, even when he knows that nothing is going to change. Plus, he seems boring as fuck to me.
Emily: I still like Garrett, and I’m hoping he’ll have a good showing on BiP. Clearly, he and Hannah are not compatible. So Garrett comes home from his date, and all the dudes who have been forced to wait up for him ask him how it went. He tells them all about the naked bungee jumping and Luke looks like he is about to explode into a puddle of toxic masculinity rage. In order to continue to function, Luke has to tell himself that this clearly can’t be true and Garrett is straight up lying about the date. After all, in Luke’s words, “Who would want to bungee jump naked with that guy?” LOL.
Kelli: I died at this. Why would someone make that up???
Emily: Luke lives in Luke Land. Who knows why he believes anything he believes?
Kelli: The group date this week is everyone except Garrett and Peter, so 20 points to Peter for scoring the one-on-one, which he totally deserves. I like how Mike goes “well, there will be two one-on-ones next week, so maybe they’ll go to Dustin and Dylan,” and the two of them look at him like, yeah no, we’re going home this week. Poor baby Dustin. Dylan, however, can get the fuck out of here with his endless supply of salmon-colored clothing.
Emily: I gotta love sweet baby Mike for building the other dudes up here though. Can I get a #MIKEFORBACHELOR ABC PLEASE DON’T DO ME WRONG </3 </3
Kelli: The group date actually looks like a lot of fun, despite the weirdness of Hannah kissing the dudes in front of each other (and the fact that Luke is present). They get to wander around a market and eat weird shit, which is Hannah’s favorite activity. She makes Dustin bite a fish head, and I think he should get 2 points for that, because ew.
Emily: Classic Hannah. She also deep throats a pickle, and all the dudes are gawking. The boner count (probably) just went way up.
Kelli: While they’re riding a tram, with Luke strategically positioned directly beside Hannah, she tells the guys about the naked bungee jumping. Luke is horrified to discover that Garrett did not, in fact, make up a really weird lie! It actually happened!
Emily: I am shook.
Kelli: Luke tells the camera that Hannah’s body is her temple. “Shut the fuck up,” I respond aloud.
Emily: Seriously, of all the misogynist things that have ever happened on this show, Luke’s entire existence is up there as the most misogynist.
Kelli: At the cocktail party, Hannah makes a toast to the guys for really stepping up today. Little does she know, Luke is about to kill her vibe. First, though, Tyler takes her aside for some private time. He tells her that when he saw her in all white, he thought she looked like an angel, and now he prays to God that she’s his angel. Notes for Luke: this is how you bring God into the conversation while still being hot. (Razor sharp cheekbones also help.)
Emily: I feel like it’s obvious that Tyler is super into Hannah, and she’s into him because he’s trying to talk and she’s just like shut up and kiss me. They make out a bunch for 2 points. Tyler says he has fallen in love with her (10 points) and she has the ability to move mountains. When did they all sit down and discuss moving mountains? Can we chat about that? Also, Tyler says, “I just want to continue making you feel special.” This is the moment when I texted Susan and said, “OMG TYLER MIGHT BE THE WINNER.” I feel like we’ve all been talking about how hot he is, but maybe we’ve been sleeping on him as the actual winner.
Kelli: I mean, that would be cool. I really like him. From the moment he did a dance montage in a carpentry shop, I knew I would want to fuck him.
Emily: And we should always guess winners based on fuckability (JK we would always lose… Looking at you, Garrett from Becca’s season).
Kelli: Jed takes Hannah aside and plays piano for her. I’ll admit that the piano playing is pretty impressive, and it’s slightly less awkward than watching someone sing, but unfortunately we hate Jed now because as it turns out, he’s an asshole who went on the show with a girlfriend and then GHOSTED her when it went better than expected. Bye, Jed.
Emily: Yeah, when Jed told Hannah that he “want[ed] to be her rock,” my eyes rolled back into my head so hard. I think they’re still back there.
Kelli: Luke tells the guys that what happened between Garrett and Hannah is really bothering him, I guess because he’s looking for the other guys to commiserate. Of course, even if they agreed with him, no one wants to be seen agreeing with Luke. Tyler actually stands up for Hannah in this moment and wins our hearts a little bit more. He’s like, “I think it’s really cool that she does whatever she wants.” Yes, Tyler! Girls run the world and stuff, just like you said after the pregnancy simulator!
Emily: Yeah… maybe Tyler is a feminist. He probably learned feminism from dance class. Very proud of him.
Kelli: The only living male feminist in Jupiter, Florida.
Emily: Anyway, Luke goes to find Hannah, and he tells the camera that if everything goes according to plan, he will get the group date rose after this conversation. And I’m sitting her wondering what this conversation looks like in Luke’s mind because… in what world?
Kelli: When he finally gets around to talking to Hannah, Luke tells her that he has something to say, and she isn’t gonna like it. I hope y’all were paying attention during this part, because in about twenty minutes Luke is going to deny saying every single thing he says during this conversation. Basically, he starts by asking her if she’s ever been cheated on. When she says yes, opening up a door for us to actually learn something about Hannah, he’s like, “cool. That’s how you made me feel earlier.”
Emily: Luke tells her, “I’m just thinking of you holding him bare-skinned and I’m thinking in my mind… it really pissed me off.” Hannah says it was an experience she wanted to have for herself, and it wasn’t sexual. Nevertheless, Luke says he feels like it was a slap in the face, but even if she made a mistake, he’s going to support her. Um. If I were Hannah, I’d be like bitch it wasn’t a mistake. She will basically say this later… I think she was just so shocked in the moment that this asshole was actually saying this shit.
Kelli: I totally agree. She couldn’t even say anything because she was like “what the actual fuck” in her head. After this conversation, Luke actually seems to think he’s taken a “step forward” in their relationship. So basically, he’s taken Hannah’s request that he open up to her about how he feels and used it to call her a slut. Incredible.
Emily: In a surprise to no one (aside from Luke), Hannah gives Tyler the group date rose (10 points). Meanwhile, I want to subtract 5000 points from Luke for being a misogynist fuck face, but I won’t.
Kelli: Yeah, team Frat-Tastic really can’t afford that right now.
Emily: LOL. PETER DATE TIME!!! THIS DATE IS SPONSORED BY THE HORROR FILM MIDSOMMER (probably).
Kelli: I WROTE THAT TOO.
Emily: I’m loving all the Bachelorette/horror film crossovers in this episode. Did you catch the Annabelle commercial featuring Nick Viall and Eric Bigger? It was wild.
Kelli: WHAT??? No. I did not. There was a moment where Hannah’s bra was floating in the river that kind of reminded me of Jaws, though. You know. If rivers had sharks.
Emily: Look, I’m not completely sure they don’t. I’m just saying.
Emily: Okay what happened on this date? They had sex right?
Kelli: Yeah, so I was a little confused about this. At first it seems like it’s going to be a spa date, but then these two Latvian people start to explain that what they’re actually doing today is “Pirts,” which is “an intimate place where you can be the real person you are.” Cue Midsommer score.
Emily: Yeah, they’re like, “after this, you will never be the same again,” which honestly is terrifying.
Kelli: But seriously, I just looked this up and apparently pirts is another word for sauna in Latvian? But Latvian saunas have an element of spirituality attached to them as well? They fill tiny bowls with spices that mean different things and then apply the spice mixtures to the skin? I think??? I’m not an expert, so I’m going to stop trying to explain this.
Emily: I’m into a spiritual sauna. I guess. Basically this devolves into porn. Peter pushes her down and starts making out with her (2 points). Very horizontal (2 points). Yes there is ass grabbing (3 points). Peter is here to do his work for Team Sausage Party. Later when they actually take a breather and decided to talk, Peter tells Hannah that he wants her to know that he’s never been involved with the drama and he’s been focused on her the whole time.
Kelli: Okay, so here’s the thing. Today we read something about Peter also having a girlfriend before the show, and you can read the article here to decide what you think for yourself. I am going to excuse Peter for now, because apparently he did break up with this girl before filming started, which… low bar, but still technically fine. Also, Reality Steve seems to think that going to Switzerland with someone means you’re in a serious relationship, but 1) Peter’s a pilot and 2) even if he wasn’t, I’ve known people who traveled to other countries with someone after like a month of dating, so. Shut up, Steve.
Emily: Reality Steve also went after #BSG favorite Tayshia last season, which I was not here for. Also, Jed decidedly DID NOT break up with this girl he was seeing. He just ghosted her after telling her that he’d come back for her after the show. Anyway, back to the here and now: Hannah keeps saying that she likes that Peter is a man and that she makes him feel like a woman. What does this mean?
Kelli: Probably that he’s come very close to touching her no-no square.
Emily: On the night portion of the date, Peter says he’s falling for Hannah. He says it correctly, which means he gets the full 10 points. Obviously, he gets the rose, which is another 10 points. Peter is really a team player, and Team Sausage Party appreciates his dedication.
Kelli: I am happy for Peter, even though I am sad for Team Frat-Tastic.
Emily: Later, after Hannah gets back to her hotel, the worst thing ever happens. Jed sneaks off and plays his shitty song for Hannah underneath her window. Funny that the lyrics include the line “I will never tell a lie.” What about the fact that YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, JED?
Kelli: Yeah, this sucks. But also… I feel like leaving the pack and going to hang out with the lead is a very Bachelor/ette move and thus Jed must be awarded some points for doing it. Let’s say 4 points?
Emily: This is literally my nightmare, a dude playing guitar and singing to me. Like this is all about him. It’s not about her at all. We’ve all had dudes do this to us, and on behalf of women everywhere, I just want to say STOP. Men, women are tired of just watching you do shit. We are not impressed. How about paying attention to us and doing something that we can actually be involved in, rather than making us sit there and stare at you and act like your song isn’t awful (it IS awful)? I am so triggered from all of the men in my past who have made me sit there and watch them play guitar. It’s like a private concert but worse because it’s just me all alone.
Kelli: Same. I’m looking at you, Robbie Charles, my high school boyfriend who definitely isn’t reading this right now.
Emily: Finally, Hannah pries the guitar away from him. They make out (2 points) and it’s much easier for Hannah to straddle him in her PJs. They get horizontal (2 points). He probably has a boner too. Boner watch continues.
Kelli: He also whispers to her in his most sincere voice that he is falling in love with her. 10 points. I am infuriated. But also, thanks for your teamwork, you piece of shit.
Emily: I really hate him, which probably means he’s going to win.
Kelli: That night, Garrett asks to talk to Luke privately. The two of them have the same conversation they’ve had at least 25 times, because Garrett is mad that Luke talked shit about him in front of the dudes. Garrett, when are you going to get it through your head that no matter how many calm-but-vaguely-aggressive conversations you have with Luke, he’s never going to change? You are wasting your time and energy!
Emily: Producers are absolutely thrilled that they gave this 1-on-1 date to Garrett at this point.
Kelli: Luke ends the convo by saying that he’s going to bed. “Sweet dreams,” Garrett says. He’s clearly trying to sound intimidating but it comes off as very Freddy Krueger to me.
Emily: Before the cocktail party, Hannah has had time to gather her thoughts, and she’s ready to give Luke a piece of her mind. She says, “I told you it wasn’t a sexual thing at all. And it wasn’t, but even if it was, at this point it doesn’t matter because you’re not my husband. You don’t own my body. You don’t own me. It’s my body.” Okay, but even if he were her husband, not cool, right? IDK…
Kelli: Yeah, I feel like a lot of times Hannah gets really close to feminism and then takes a quick step backwards. Anyway, Luke takes this opportunity to engage in the most intensely obvious session of gaslighting I have ever seen in my LIFE, and Hannah is not having it. She mentions his “slap in the face” comment, and he’s like, “What? Did I say that? You misunderstood me.” When she brings up what he said about being proud to bring her to meet his family, he’s like, “What, no, I wasn’t even referring to that, that was totally separate and had nothing to do with the bungee thing!!!!” This goes on for a while, and then he literally says the words “I’m sorry I was misunderstood,” which is the ultimate gaslighter’s apology. He says that he’s frustrated because he felt like the relationship train was finally on the right track, and Hannah’s like “is it on the track though?” And he’s like “It’s on the track,” and she’s like, “It is not on the track.”
Emily: Luke goes back to the group of dudes and is like, “You know, I’ve had time to think about it, and do you know what I think Hannah needs? I think she needs us to stay in our own lanes.” W O W.
Kelli: First we were on the track, now we’re in the lane, and still, Luke’s heart is laid out on the table.
Emily: At this point, the “stay in your lane” analogy has really gotten out of control. Some highlights from the stay in your lane conversation: “That’s how you crash, by looking out the window,” and also, “Yeah, don’t text and drive.” I wonder if they’ve forgotten what they’re talking about.
Kelli: The best part of this is when Tyler imitates Luke, repeating “you stay in your lane, you stay in your lane, you stay in your lane” in a spot-on impression. Someone has to say it: Tyler has big dick energy.
Emily: Yes, I am FEELING Tyler.
Kelli: Chris shows up and tells them that there’s not going to be a cocktail party, because she already knows what she’s going to do (and thanks to ABC’s incessant pushing of their preview footage, so do we). All the dudes congratulate Luke for ruining three cocktail parties in a row, so what the hell — 3 points to Luke for this record-breaking feat.
Emily: Hannah comes in the rose ceremony serving us a straight up ball gown look. This emerald green ball gown is giving me serious The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo vibes (here’s a link to our podcast episode because WHY NOT).
Kelli: Also Keira Knightly in Atonement vibes. We didn’t do an Atonement ep, though.
Emily: Maybe one day!
Kelli: During the ceremony I called out every name before Hannah did, and I would be proud of that if it wasn’t incredibly obvious. When Hannah gives Luke his rose, she whispers to him that she knows he’s a good person — probably because she’s embarrassed for thinking it. It’s like all those people who voted for Donald Trump but don’t want anyone to know.
Emily: Dylan and Dustin go home. And as they are both men whose names start with D, I have no idea who they are or if they were on my team. Anyway. Bye, dudes.
Kelli: Don’t worry. They were both on the team that I drafted. Of course.
Emily: Dylan said 99% of the people in that room would agree that Hannah and Luke don’t belong together. I feel like his math is way off. I’m not sure how that is statistically possible.
Kelli: Maybe if there are also like, 90 something crew members in the room too?
Emily: It’s time for superlatives. Worst episode of the Bachelorette ever goes to last week’s episode, which was so bad we made the decision not to cover it at all. Mr. Toxic Masculinity goes to Luke obviously, for reasons already stated. Most Feminist Man in Jupiter, FL goes to Tyler. Proud of you, Tyler.
Kelli: Most insane outfit ever worn by a lead goes to Hannah’s Elle Woods ensemble. Most annoying use of a talent goes to Jed and his music.
Kelli: And finally, the award for worst team draft in the history of BSG Bach recaps goes to me. I’ll see myself out.
Team Sausage Party (Emily)
Total This Week: 113
Last Week Total: 187
Team Frat-Tastic (Susan)
Total This Week: 23
Last Week Total: 169
Will Team Frat-Tastic ever come back from this devastating blow? Tune in next time to find out.