This week is important because it’s the week before hometowns, but also because it’s the week we got a special lil’ treat added onto the preview of the Luke P. dinner fight. More on that later. For now, let’s see if Team Frat-tastic can catch up to Team Sausage Party in The Netherlands.
Emily: Here we are in Amsterdam, and there are tulips everywhere. No one is smoking any weed though.
Susan: I love when they go to places I’ve been so I can say random facts about it I remember. For example, did you know Amsterdam has more canals than Venice? #themoreyouknow
Anywho, Hannah meets the guys and she sounds like she’s testing out vocal fry to see if it’s sexy. But she probably just has a cold from all this travel. I feel that, girlfriend.
Emily: I don’t know. As the resident Are You the One recapper, I just want to say, I’m very familiar with that scratchy voice. It sounds a lot like a lot of the contestants on AYTO sound after a night of partying. I think Hannah was getting turnt.
Susan: Jed gets the first of three one-on-one dates this week. 20 points to Jed. Jed, help me out this week, bro. You’re Team Frat-tastic’s only real hope. And America hates you right now, so…
Emily: Susan, America hates the entirety of your remaining team, so even if you win, you have to live with that. Anyway, as Jed is walking away, we hear the guys saying, “He didn’t bring his guitar did he?” “I hope not.” I’m not sure who said this, but I get the feeling all of the guys are onto him. And I’m hoping that ABC left this commentary in because Jed is eventually going to get called out. A girl can dream.
Susan: Jed and Hannah walk around Amsterdam, play with a top in a souvenir shop (why?), and dance to some organ music. This date is really boring to watch, and it isn’t Amsterdam’s fault. Amsterdam is a cool city. (Pssst. Jed, that means it’s your fault. You’re boring.)
Emily: They also stop at a candy shop and eat all the candy. I just want to note this is the second time Hannah has made a point to buy a ton of chocolate on a date. She also says, “let’s get some chocolates” in a weird accent. Is that how she thinks Dutch people speak?
Susan: They sit down next to a couple that was very carefully scouted by ABC who have been together for 54 years, but were only together 10 days before deciding to get married. So, you know, clearly Hannah and Jed will also be together for 54 years. This situation is exactly the same.
Emily: We need to start tracking who gets the date with the old couple each season, because they always happen to “run into” an old couple every season who is supposed to be #RelationshipGoals. The sweet old people ask Jed and Hannah where they’re from, and of course Jed says they’re English, because JED IS A LIAR.
Susan: At dinner, they start talking about opening up, and I’m gonna gouge my eyes out with tulips if I hear the phrase “open up” one more time.
Emily: Back in the hotel, the boys get the next one-on-one date card. And this one goes to.. Tyler! (20 points) Meanwhile, for this entire episode, Connor has been getting in his head. He and Hannah had one one-on-one date back in, like, episode 2, and seriously it doesn’t even count as a one-on-one because she was sick and made him go home early. Connor says he hopes he gets the next one-on-one. So… he won’t get it. Spoiler. Anyway, what’s going on back at the date I don’t give a fuck about?
Susan: Hannah has a hard time getting this out, but she explains that the moment Jed clicked his heels together when they were dancing in the street was somehow very moving, and it’s when she realized she is falling in love with Jed. 20 points to Jed. And of course, he gets the rose for 10 more.
Emily: When Hannah tells Jed she loves him, Jed goes, “my heart just fell through the earth.” That’s probably going to be the name of his next single. I guess Ben Higgins just opened the floodgates and it’s now just OKAY for the Bachelor/ette to declare his/her love for however many contestants they want. Remember back in Ben’s season when his whole saying “I love you” to two girls WAS the drama? Those were simpler times. And that was at the fantasy suite stage. Now we’re saying it before we even meet his family. I’m going to need The Bachelor to calm down.
Susan: Now let’s get to what we all really want to see: Tyler riding a horse around The Hague. He’s a little afraid of the horses, and we all want to hug him and tell him it’ll be ok. There, there, sweet Ty Ty.
Emily: I also want to point out that while Tyler is nervous about the horses, but he also says that he had a horseback riding party when he was a kid. So here’s our first clue that Tyler’s family used to be really dang rich.
Susan: The first five minutes of this date is more entertaining than Jed’s entire segment. I love watching them try to buy ice cream and stuff from street vendors when the horses are just out there having their own day. I also love Hannah’s stern “horse mom” voice. “What did we talk about?!”
Emily: The more I see of Tyler, the more I like him. I was skeptical of him at first because he’s attractive and seems like a bit of a dummy just because of the way he presents himself. But I think he’s smarter than his chill attitude would make you think he is. And he just seems like a fun guy to hang around with. I’m very proud of the boys on my team, is what I’m saying.
Susan: Since Hannah’s jam is eating literally anything in any country, they stop to try pickled herring which looks horrendous because it’s just a whole-ass fish. Hannah downs it in stride as is her way. Tyler looks panicked.
Emily: I generally enjoy Hannah, but I thought it was REALLY RUDE how she asked the vendor what he was selling and when he said “pickled herring,” she goes, “EWWW!” Like… does she realize these are human people with human feelings? Not just the backdrop for her romantic afternoon horse stroll? Like, I get why they did this, because this is Hannah’s thing now (eating weird food), but they could have been polite about it.
Susan: I enjoyed nothing about this because in addition to hearing Tyler gag multiple times, Justin was also gagging right beside me as he watched. It was all too much. But let’s give Tyler 2 points for swallowing his own puke.
Emily: Team Sausage Party will gladly take those two points, thank you, even though I’m worried about what this means for Tyler’s odds of winning it all. Hannah needs a man who can eat weird food like a champ.
Susan: Finally Ty Ty catches a break when they sit down by the water and have some champagne to wash the bile taste out of his mouth.
Emily: As they sit down to talk, Tyler brings up the drama and the frustration in the house. Hannah tells Tyler she wants him to (here’s that phrase again) “open up.” Tyler tells her he was worried about comparing himself to other people. Hannah’s not satisfied. She’s like, “Be specific. Tell me a story.” There’s ominous music playing. I feel like all of this is really unfair to Tyler. I’m unsure what kind of story Hannah’s expecting to get in this moment. It’s all very confusing.
Susan: At dinner, Tyler gets 5 points for telling a real story about his parents’ divorce. After losing everything in the 2008 financial crisis, Tyler said his parents weren’t able to turn to each other, and instead they turned away from each other, and their marriage fell apart. He says his greatest fear is a failed marriage.
This leads Hannah to FINALLY say something about herself as well, noting that although her parents are together, she doesn’t want to emulate certain parts of their relationship, namely the way they communicate. Props to everyone for talking about actual marriage-related topics on a show that is meant to end in engagement. And props to Hannah for recognizing that just because her parents are still married doesn’t mean their relationship is perfect.
Emily: Here’s the thing: Hannah says, “I don’t want to be in a relationship 10 years from now and not be able to communicate with my husband.” And yet, Luke is still around. Solve that riddle for me.
Susan: Tyler has really grown on me. I like that he always sticks up for Hannah’s choices, and he just seems to be very grounded. And let’s not forget the dancing.
Emily: Obviously, Hannah gives him the rose (10 points). They also make out, but Susan and I have collectively decided that at this point in the game, making out is not enough. If you want points for making out, you need to be horizontal at the very least. And yes, there will still be extra points for ass grabbing. On that romantic note, Tyler also tells Hannah he’s falling in love with her. Aw. 10 points.
Susan: Mike gets the third one-on-one date (20 points), and just because he’s on this particular date after two roses have been given, I know he is doomed. Someone always gets sent home on a one-on-one the week before hometowns. We needn’t look further than our own Bachelorette for an example of this.
Emily: This makes me very sad because Mike is the greatest. From here on out, I’m looking at this date to see if Mike gets enough of a good edit to be considered for the next Bachelor. Give the people what they want, ABC!
Susan: In other doomed news, Connor goes to Hannah’s hotel room to shoot his last shot.
Emily: Connor is a sore loser about Mike getting the one-on-one, and he storms off immediately. Connor says he’s unsure of how he can bring Hannah to meet his family when he’s only had one date with her. Which, tbh, is fair. So he goes to bug Hannah in her room. He says the one-on-one time has been great, so he was hoping for more time. Hannah says, “You’ve kind of faded in the group dates.” Based on that alone, he should know his time is up. But he pushes on nonetheless. He says, “I definitely felt like I didn’t stand out in the crowd” (uh oh) but he says he is falling for her (10 points) and he’s excited to see where the future goes for them. Boy, there ain’t no future. Hannah sends him home. Moving on to Hannah’s date with The Bachelor… I mean Mike (who is The Bachelor).
Susan: Mike and Hannah ride bikes and then have a go at drawing each other before an artist paints them together. They look hot together, not gonna lie.
Emily: Thank you Jesus for giving me one last Mike date where he gets nearly naked. Throwing Mike fans one last bone… before you announce him as The Bachelor.
Susan: Before Mike arrives for dinner, we see Hannah crying glitter-filled tears in front of very famous works of art. Mike’s doom is now imminent.
Emily: This is so dumb. Hannah is trying to make some sort of comparisons to this art and the way she feels torn between these men or whatever. I couldn’t figure it out.
Susan: Mike arrives so excited for dinner, and my heart is breaking. Beautiful, sweet Mike. Hannah struggles to get to the point, and lovely Mike helps her along, offering a hug and telling her to “take your time.” She tearfully tells him she isn’t the one for him, and he handles it very gracefully in what shall now be known as “Mike’s Bachelor Audition Tape.” If Mike isn’t the Bachelor, I quit.
Emily: So for further analysis of the Bachelor audition tape, this is how the conversation went down: Before he sits down with her, Mike tells the producers that every time he’s not with Hannah he wants more of her and he can’t get enough of her. Hannah tells Mike, “I’ve been here for a little while… I’ve never been surrounded by so much beauty and it’s just really overwhelming...I can’t control when things are going to hit me.” Mike gives her a hug. She said she needed a hug She says that he’s been her rock and she knows he doesn’t want to get her heart broken. She says that she loves how he talks about the three ladies in his life and how amazing they are and he’s looking for that fourth lady. And she knows she’s not that fourth lady.
Mike seems shook. He said he knows that was hard for her to say, but she needed to say how she felt. He tells her, “I can’t say that I’m happy, but thank you for being honest.” As he leaves, Hannah says, “Mike deserves to be loved fiercely just as much as I do. It hurts to hurt people along the way for something you believe in.” I’m hoping at this point, “deserves to be loved fiercely” is code for “deserves to be the next Bachelor.” Odds are good that it does mean that, right?
In his limo exit, Mike says, “It’s like her putting a dagger in my heart and tearing it out and stepping on it. I know that I’m ready for love. I know I was opening my heart up to Hannah, and I know that she crushed me.”
Slow clap. I feel like Mike’s exit was graceful and emotional and just the right amount of heartbroken for the next Bachelor. Can we just go ahead and announce this?
Susan: Back at the hotel, a PA comes in to take Mike’s suitcase, and Luke is happy. Everyone else is like, come on, dude. Everyone liked Mike because Mike is the best. Tyler says to Luke that maybe when there were 15 guys in Scotland and 14 hated him, it might have been time to consider that Luke was the problem, not everyone else. Luke’s like “There weren’t 14 guys who hated me!” (Yes there were.) Tyler’s like, “Right. Now there are five guys who can’t stand you.” And thus begins an exchange between Luke and Garrett that will somehow carry us through the entire group date.
Emily: I found this argument to be hilarious, honestly. Tyler says, “The worst thing about all this is that we have a villain. Usually the villains are tall. We have a 5’8” villain.” He laughs. Luke asks, “Does that make you feel better?” Tyler says, “Yeah, I just want to throw that out there.” In this moment, Luke decides to announce the only person he has a problem with is Tyler. WHAT??? That’s funny, because I feel like the “only” person Luke has a problem with changes from week to week.
Like, last week, it was Garrett, but apparently, Luke doesn’t remember that. Luke is like, “Me and Garrett were just cutting it up.” Garrett’s like, Luke, that was just bullshit on my part because I’m not the type of person who will just ignore you. I LOL’ed.
Susan: Everyone tells Luke not to pull any shit tomorrow on the group date. This is a futile plea.
Luke, Garrett and Pilot Peter meet Hannah, who is wearing stiletto heels on a cobblestone street like a maniac. They walk into a building with a fancy sitting room featuring plush sofas and a tray of meats, which will come into play. By now we all recognize this as the room we see in the previews where Luke screams at Garrett. Bring it.
Hannah’s fatal mistake on this date (though there were several) was talking to Luke first of the three. Luke sits down and says, “I don’t wanna talk about other guys, and I don’t have to name any names…” and then immediately names Jed, Tyler and Garrett. He tells her the only reason people dislike him is because he gets time with her. Um…
Emily: I also love how Luke says that Jed and Garrett’s behavior “shocks the hell out of me… for you.” It’s like he remembered last minute that Hannah was there and this was about her. So now he’s telling on Garrett for “bulshitting” him and being fake nice to him. I really don’t see what the issue is here. Garrett is trying to stop causing drama in the house, so instead of treating Luke like trash, he’s just getting along to get along. Sounds right to me.
Susan: Peter and Garrett discuss Luke back in the fancy room. Peter points out that Luke is so good at being manipulative that Hannah probably can’t see it. Accurate assessment.
Emily: Peter is a good egg. It’s too bad he’s sort of an afterthought on this whole date.
Susan: Hannah sits down with Garrett and tells him that Luke talked about him. Instead of hearing out the other side, she defaults into the mode of chastising Garrett and accepting Luke’s word as truth. In moments like this, it’s painfully clear how young Hannah is.
Emily: Speaking of Peter being an afterthought, I thought it was really fucking convenient that after Garrett’s talk with Hannah, he goes back to the room with Luke and Peter is just… mysteriously not there. Like they needed to get rid of Peter so that he wouldn’t diffuse the situation.
Susan: Garrett kind of starts to implode. I think he knows he’s gotta pull out some tricks to have a chance to stay because Hannah always sides with Luke. So he goes back to the sitting room and just starts...fucking with Luke. He says things like “Hannah really appreciated what I had to say about you,” etc. 5 points to Garrett for stirring the pot.
This does get into Luke’s head because it prompts the fist clenching and yelling we’ve been seeing in the previews each week. And THEN. Luke picks up some meat. And drops it in Garrett’s lap. And tells him that what he’s been saying to Hannah is a “pile of bologna.” I’m giving Luke 3 points for absurdity.
Emily: I feel like these men would have really benefited from a food fight date.
Susan: What amazes me most about this whole exchange isn’t just that Luke thinks it’s a game-changer move. It’s that this the second time this season that one man has lightly tossed snack food at another man in a show of dominance.
Emily: While all this is happening, what is Peter doing? We know he’s not talking to Hannah because later when Luke goes to find Peter, he’s just off by himself and says he hasn’t talked to Hannah. Like, what are you doing here, Peter? Are you just here to see the sights?
Susan: Luke seems to think it will benefit him to have a friend, so he tells Peter that he spoke to Hannah about Garrett. Peter is like “It doesn’t end!” He’s rightfully upset that Luke put her in a bad headspace before he’s even gotten the chance to talk to her.
Emily: But again, like, why hasn’t he talked to her yet? Where is she during this whole exchange between Luke and Garrett?
Susan: It’s all good though. Peter tells Hannah all the things he loves about her, and she seems like she’s in a good mood, but it’s possibly because she’s also drinking wine. Peter gets the first group date rose for 10 points. We can’t wait to meet the Pilot Parents next week.
Side note: I noticed this week that Peter looks like Jason Segel sometimes. That’s all.
Emily: Peter also looks like my stepbrother. So there’s that.
Susan: The closest thing we get a two-on-one date this season is this anticlimactic dinner with Garrett and Luke. We know because of the previews that Luke makes it to overnights, which means he’s safe this week. We know Garrett is leaving.
Emily: I really hate these Bachelorette previews. By the time everything happens, we’ve seen it already. Nothing is shocking.
Susan: Remember that batshit story from early in the season when Luke said God talked to him in the shower and told him to stop having all that sex? Well, the version he tells Hannah is even more batshit.
Emily: Luke is so strategic. He’s had this story in his back pocket all season, and he waited for this moment to let Hannah know. He could have used it on their one-on-one when it seemed evident that Hannah was about to send him home, but no. He was biding his time.
Susan: Luke is a terrible storyteller. He tells Hannah that during his freshman year of college, he experimented with drinking and partying (didn’t everyone?), and that for a time, he was “chasing sex.” She’s unfazed, and he’s like “Sorry, sorry.” Dude, no one cares that you fucked other women before this. Sex isn’t disgusting. Now get to the weird shower part so we can judge you.
Emily: I just want to point out that at some point in this story, Luke makes reference to his “fleshly desires.” Cringe.
Susan: He actually says, “Here’s where the story gets good.” So he hears a voice say, “Luke, let go.” And he’s crying in the shower. And then he looks at the ceiling of the shower and sees a glimpse of heaven. If he was still in his partying/experimenting phase at this point, can we assume he was on DMT?
Emily: Short answer: yes.
Susan: Hannah is eating this up, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. Look, I’m not going to judge him for being religious or focusing on spirituality. You do you, man. But this conversation was icky, and it feels like he’s using religion as one more tool to manipulate her and pull the wool over her eyes.
Emily: Absolutely, and I think it’s clear the main reason Hannah is keeping him around is because of their connection through their faith. God is so important to Hannah, and Luke SAYS God is important to him. So it’s a done deal.
Susan: Garrett is done for. Hannah is literally glowing from her conversation with Luke when she goes to talk to Garrett. She isn’t even listening to him. He says “I love you,” which, though futile, gets him 15 points.
Emily: Hannah does take this opportunity to make out with him one more time though, despite the fact that she clearly already knows she’s picking Luke.
Susan: In the least shocking moment of the season, Luke gets the last hometown rose. We have to meet more Luke-like people next week. Ugh. 10 points.
Emily: I’m actually very curious to meet Luke’s family. Are they as douchey as he is? Do they realize what a trash human being they have spawned? I need answers.
Susan: AND NOW FOR THE JUICY STUFF. Just when we think we’re gonna watch the same ol’ Luke v. Hannah fight in the preview, we get more. After he tells her he’d want to remove himself if she’s had sex with one or more of the other contestants, we get what is sure to go down in Bachelorette history as an epic moment. Hannah says to Luke, “Me fucking in a windmill, you probably want to leave.” And then, to camera: “I fucked in a windmill. And guess what? We did it a second time.”
Emily: The way she said this made me think that she probably has some Christian guilt surrounding sex even though she says she doesn’t. BUT. I haven’t seen the episode yet, so I reserve judgment over her self-judgment (or lack thereof). Basically this is my way of saying I have nothing to say about what was said in the previews because technically it hasn’t happened yet. But Susan, feel free to speculate!
Susan: This could be big for a couple of reasons. 1) I’m pretty sure the only other Bachelorette to confirm she had sex on the show while on the show was Kaitlyn Bristowe, and 2) Luke is going to lose his ever-loving mind. Overnights are happening in Greece. Be on the lookout for any windmills or windmill-like landmarks on other dates. I’m hoping it’s Tyler.
Emily: Superlatives. Most Bachelor Audition Tape exit: Mike. Please let Mike be the Bachelor. That’s my only superlative this week because I really want us to focus on what’s important here. And that’s Mike. As the Bachelor. Okay, bye.
Susan: I’m gonna double down on this superlative. Come on, ABC. Do it.
Team Sausage Party (Emily)
Total This Week: 107
Last Week Total: 300
Team Frat-Tastic (Susan)
Total This Week: 63
Last Week Total: 192
The gap widens even more, but we’re back to 2 vs. 2 next week, so it’s still anyone’s game!