Kelli: Hello, and welcome back to another week of The Bachelor, sponsored by The Golden Bachelor. This week, Mary joins me again to give points to Emily’s team, because my team is dead. Take it away, Mary.

Mary: Here we are in Tulum, the most romantic place. Well, not too romantic for Joey at the beginning of the episode. Instead, he’s feeling weepy about his experience on The Bachelorette with Charity. It was hard for him to feel so connected to Charity, then heartbroken to be sent home. I mean, I get it, it would be hard, but also… should you put all your eggs in the Bach basket? They know each other for like, two weeks, right? I don’t know I’d bet my life on that. 

Kelli: Hello and welcome to another late recap of Joey’s season of The Bachelor! We’ve reached HOMETOWNS, which is famously the most boring episode of every season. Today, in Emily’s stead, I am joined by Mary. Mary, how has this season been treating you? Who’s your pick for the win?

Mary: You know, I didn’t expect to like Joey as much as I do. He didn’t really leave an impression on me in Charity’s season, but now he’s a bit more charming. That said, there’s something off-putting to me about his Extreme Direct Eye Contact. And how he says “thank you for sharing” to everything anyone says.

I’ve been enjoying the season so far, but I’ve been a little irked at all the Maria drama. It’s really not that serious! My pick to win is probably Daisy, but Kelsey has made some strides recently too.

Emily: Welcome back, Bachelor fans. The week before hometowns always creeps up on us. One minute we have a bajillion prospective fiancées, and then suddenly we’re down to four. But to get there, first we have to journey to the beautiful Jasper, Canada, and by all appearances, this seems like the kind of place where you might actually get to ride a moose. Too bad Lea has to miss it.

Kelli: RIP.

Emily: I have to say for once, the tourism propaganda is really working on me. I had no idea where Jasper, Canada was before this, but now I suddenly have to go. I mean! The mountains! The trees! The rainbows!

Kelli: Hello and welcome to another recap of The Bachelor. This week our goal is to get back on track after ABC threw us off with a random two night event last week. I still haven’t forgiven them.

Emily: We’re slowly inching our way towards posting on-time recaps. But you know, better late than never, friends. Better late than never.

Emily: Yes, we’re back, everyone, with another (belated) Bachelor recap, but the important part is we’re here, and we’re getting it done. And we have two episodes to get through this week. Eek! So let’s just dive in because there’s a lot of drama to break down from last week’s episodes.

Hello and welcome to our third recap of The Bachelor Season 28, AKA the one where Kelli recaps on her own because Emily is in Nashville for work and Kelli couldn’t find a replacement because she started too late and everyone was watching the super bowl! Will Kelli cheat and reward her team more points this week in a desperate attempt to catch up with Team Daisy is My Yoshi? More importantly, will she stop referring to herself in the third person? Read on to find out. 

Kelli: Hello everyone, and welcome to our first official week of competition: it’s Team Daisy is My Yoshi vs. Team Throw it in the Fire! I’m just going to go ahead and spoil it for you now: things do not go well for me this week. 

Emily: Well, as they say on Love Island, it’s still early days. 

Well, Bachelor Nation, Book Squad Goals is finally recapping a season of The Bachelor again, after taking a hiatus at the end of Matt James’ season. And this time, Emily has convinced Kelli to come along on this ride with her. Will Kelli and Emily regret this by the end of everything? Probably. But will we have fun along the way? Maybe.

But you’d better believe we’re not here to make friends. This is a competition for the ladies, but it’s also a competition for Kelli and Emily. Following this first episode, Kelli and Emily will draft their Bachelor teams and as the recaps continue throughout the season, they’ll continue to get points. The prize for winning? Bragging rights. And the journey we had along the way.

Come along with us as we draft or teams and reflect on episode 1 of Joey’s season.

Emily: Better late than never, right? We’re here with your Fantasy Suites recap, although it seems like they’re rebranding and calling these dates “Overnights” more than they’re calling them “Fantasy Suites,” which… is a choice. They’re in Fiji, which is also where Love Island US is this year. How amazing would it be if we could one day get a Bachelor/Love Island crossover? I know it would never happen, but it could be fun!

Bonnie: Send some of the discarded men to the villa!!! Send John to the villaaaaaaaa!!!

Emily: Well, somehow we managed to stay awake during this boring hometowns episode, and we have a recap for you! Hooray! But before we get to that, we need to acknowledge the most important news to come out of Bachelor Nation this past week: former Bachelorette Gabby Windey has a girlfriend! And she’s writer and comedian Robby Hoffman! We are so happy for Gabby!

Bonnie: So happy for Gabby!!!! She’s one of the few people from this franchise that I follow on social media, and she continues to just be such a joy and delight. Love, love, love this news!!!

Emily: And now onto the recap? Let’s see what happens in these hometown dates.

We finally made it! And so there is no suspense throughout this post: yes, Mary did win our family Survivor Fantasy league, and she will be treated to a dinner out on the rest of us...at an appropriate time. Still, we have more to talk about! Is Tony the GOAT? Is Michele a goat? Did Ben basically just give up, and how do we feel about him now? What about Natalie? She was there! And Lacina (which is how we should all refer to her from now on)! And why didn’t Jeff play the entirety of the Winners at War theme song? Can you hear the people sing, Jeff? Ya better be ready...they’re coming...for you! Let’s get into it!

Well, we’re here, the quote unquote “penultimate step of the war.” I gotta say, it feels like this war has been about to start for most of the season, but here we are yet again. In our fantasy league, Mary is still winning, and Todd is still in second place, but here in the real game, the player that nobody picked, Tony (along with Wendell), is still in the game and is still making moves, and he seems to be in a pretty good position moving into this final, although that could all change depending on who comes back from the Edge. Without further ado, let’s break down what happened last night.

Hello from quarantine! Todd and I have been dutifully watching Survivor each week while self isolating, and I have been dutifully winning our family fantasy league each week. (Todd here, and look, I have tried to win, but I am clearly not as good as Mary. Them’s the facts.)

This week, we thought we’d try something a little different.

Hello, everyone! We hope you are staying safe and inside during these difficult times, as you might have heard in a commercial during this week’s episode of Survivor: Winners at War. To get it out of the way up front, Mary is still absolutely dominating the Survivor Fantasy League, and Todd is in no way upset about it. Nope. Not at all. Here’s the real question for this week: did you cry? Because this episode really wanted you to cry. Jeff didn’t even make the contestants compete to meet with their loved ones (including kids!), and the Edge-ians also got to meet their loved ones. There may or may not have been some tears shed when Mary and Todd were watching. Don’t ask who shed them; it doesn’t matter. Anyway, is there dust in this room? Let’s get on to the recap!

Hello, all! While time has become even more of an illusion than usual, we need things to anchor us during the week. Maybe you look forward to watching your church service from bed on Sunday mornings, or you are watching Devs (the next Othersode) and you can’t wait for each Thursday, or maybe you are a big fan of Jeff Probst and those wacky castaways, and so each Wednesday you sit down to watch Survivor. Well then welcome, because we are here to recap this episode, which was especially wild, even by Survivor’s standards.

Well, we made it, everyone. The Merge is here, and one player returns from The Edge. Admittedly, not a person that either Mary or Todd hoped would return (c’mon, Rob or Yul!), but still. Tyson’s back. Sandra is still gone, and one more player is headed to the Edge. Ready to find out what Mary and Todd have to say about all of this? Then you are in the right place.

Also, not that it matters, but Mary is still winning the fantasy Survivor league by a hefty margin. Whatever.

We’re back! Last week was a little hectic, but at least half of us are sad to see the two Queens of Survivor, Parvati and Sandra, head off to the Edge. As we see at the top of this episode, Sandra decides that 20 minutes on the Edge is more than enough for her, making her the first (and, I suspect, last) person to raise the White Flag this season and head off to three weeks of vacation time spent in a real bed with actual food. Honestly, who can blame her? Sandra has nothing else to prove, and she already has $2 million in the bank thanks to Survivor. The Queen stays Queen, and she gets to live it up in a Queen-sized bed for the rest of the season.

Hello! Hope you are staying safe and indoors during these strange times. Also, if you are anything like Mary and Todd, you are probably binging something. We have been catching up on Nick’s season, David vs. Goliath, and we have thoughts! What is your favorite season of Survivor to binge? Or just in general? Let us know on social media or in the comments below. In fantasy league updates, Mary is still in the lead, but Todd (and his dad! Hi, Dad!!) are tied for second. But now: onto our recap.

Welcome back, Survivor-inos, to our coverage of Season 40, Winners at War! Last week, Adam blew up his game, and this week, he spent a lot of time groveling. But what happened this week? Well, there is only one way to find out. And that is by me telling you that (Spoiler Alert) Tyson got voted out! And a lot of other interesting things happened. Read on to find out, but also know that Mary is still leading our fantasy league, by many points!

Hello! And welcome back to our coverage of this season of Survivor. It is the 3rd episode and somehow Rob and Parvati are still here? Who would have guessed that? Not me. Are their days numbered? Maybe, but who knows! Can their tribe ever win an immunity challenge? Well, no, they cannot. Is Mary winning the Survivor fantasy league? Yes, she is. But is Todd in 2nd place? Yes! He is. Have we had enough of this question-answer format? Yes, so let’s get on to the recap!

I am about to get emotional, because this is the last episode of Season 8 of Are You the One!

So much happened on this, the last episode of the season. Pies were thrown. People got naked. Last minute hook-ups were had. Love was found. BUT DID THEY WIN THE MONEY? Read on to find out. I’m not here to spoil the final episode of this wonderful show without your consent.

It’s baaaaack!

After waiting two weeks to find out of we can keep shipping Jax or if our Max and Justin ship has been sunk, this week we got our answer. And I’m not going to wait any longer to let you know the answer. Max and Justin are officially not a match, which means Paige and Jenna and Danny and Kai are a match.

Let’s take a minute to let this sink in while Max melts into a pool of tears and crushed dreams. We now know five of the eight matches: Brandon and Aasha, Jonathan and Basit, Jasmine and Nour, Danny and Kai, and Paige and Jenna.

Episode 10. We return to our friends in Are You the One? land once again in the aftermath of another disappointing Match Up Ceremony.

Kylie says it sucks to see three beams in Week 7, especially since one of those beams is already a confirmed match. So really, they only got two new beams.

After Kai drunkenly told Jenna he’s still in love with her, Jasmine has decided she’s over Kai. Sorry if that was a lot of confusing pronouns. Basically, Jasmine doesn’t want to be second for anyone, so she’s seeing herself out of this toxic Kai situation.

Nour also seems to be ready to put aside the Kai drama. She asks Jasmine if they should talk about the fight they had at the Under the Sea Party. Jasmine’s like, nah girl. She doesn’t feel like there’s a need to talk through it, because she plans on just getting over it. They toast to their newfound friendship? “Cheers to going on our rollercoaster ride!”

Heads Up: I’m irritated with Are You the One? this week.

Did they give us a lot of drama? Sure. Was it a lot of the same stuff we’ve already seen? Yes. On top of that, this was just a continuation of last week. So we get the end of the Under the Sea party and we go into the Match Up Ceremony and that’s really all there was to this episode. So with that in mind, rather than bringing you your regularly scheduled recap, let’s just cover everything that’s STILL going on in this episode of Are You the One?

Things are heating up in Are You the One? land on Monday nights.

Who could have predicted there was going to be so much drama at semi-nude Under the Sea party? And we’re gonna get there and talk about. But let’s take it from the top.

Wow, what an eventful night of #AYTO television. There’s a lot to talk about here.

But… before we get into it, a little news about the remainder of this season of Are You the One: it’s moving to Monday nights at 11pm. That’s right. Definitely way past my bedtime. On the one hand, I’m excited about this move because it means I don’t have to wait a whole week for the next episode since it will be coming out THIS MONDAY. On the other hand, how bad is this season doing that it’s getting moved to 11PM on a Monday?? Like, why are you people not watching this quality content?

Either way, recaps will be moving to Wednesdays to adjust to this new programming schedule. Mark your calendars accordingly.

On to this week’s episode.

Another AYTO episode, and another week of me shipping Max and Justin harder than I thought possible. Dang.

I mean, just look at them. I really want them to be happy. but I’m nervous they aren’t going to be a match since the group only got one beam in the previous week when these two were sitting together. On that note, let’s just barrel ahead with this recap.

The gang only got one beam of light in this Match Up Ceremony. Their response? Let’s get drunk. They do get to some strategizing while drinking, though. You know, sometimes alcohol helps you think more clearly. Wait, no that’s not a thing.

Are you feeling FOMO because you weren’t in on this fivesome?

You’re not alone, AYTO fam. But before we get into the big main event, let’s talk about how we got there, yeah?

As always, we begin this episode by reflecting on how the Match Up Ceremony from last week went. Danny says this was a successful Match Up because they switched it up and still got two beams.

Hello friends! I’m back for another week of Are You the One madness.

The season is in full swing at this point, and the drama is really kicking off. Looks like we’re going to get our first AYTO FIVESOME next week. Yo, I am here for it, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s talk about what happened this week.

In the aftermath of last week’s Match Up Ceremony, here are the house’s main takeaways:

Everyone was shocked Jonathan and Basit sat together after the drama last week. Jonathan says there’s no way they’re a match. He’s still pining after Justin, even after Justin completely pied him off last week (if you’re not watching Love Island, then I don’t know what to do for you. You might not get that reference… but context clues are a thing). Justin says, “I thought about Jonathan as a possible prospect, but he got really possessive really fast. I don’t know. It just turned me off.”

Meanwhile Justin and Max are making out in a closet and… it’s kind of hot.

Hello, and welcome to another week of Are You the One? recapping. Sorry this one is late, ladies and gents and everyone in between. I was doing a bit of my own celebrating over the long 4th of July weekend and I didn’t get a chance to watch this amazing show until yesterday. But I’m back and ready to give these lovely people in search of love my full and undivided attention. So let’s just dive right in to the episode…

Ooooh… things are getting good, friends. We’re already down to only three more episodes of His Dark Materials (after this one). And we’ve finally got the subtle knife!

I’m pretty dang excited, so let’s just hop right in to the recap.

His Dark Materials recaps are back. I hope you hadn’t forgotten about them! I definitely meant to post a recap last week, but I’m human and life got the best of me. If you know me personally, then you know that the end of November is a difficult time for me every year. And with everything else that’s going on in 2020, this year was just especially hard. I watched the show last week, I had my notes, but I just couldn’t find the time or the energy to sit down and actually write the thing. And that’s just the honest truth.

But one week is not the end of the world, right? It just means this week I have two episodes to recap for you, the one from last Monday and the one that aired this past Monday. For my sanity (and yours) I won’t cover everything that happened in these two episodes because who wants to read all of that? So we’ll be doing things a little bit differently this week. I’ll highlight some of the more notable things that happened in these two episodes and offer my thoughts on them. And then next week it will be back to recaps as normal.

His Dark Materials fans, I hope that’s okay with you, and I hope you’ll forgive me! I am loving this show so much.

With how strange 2020 has been, it’s hard to believe it’s only been a year since I was here recapping season 1 of His Dark Materials. And yet here we are, reaching the end of one hellish year, and we’re rewarded with quite the pleasant surprise. Or it was a surprise for me. This season really crept up on me. I didn’t realize it was happening until it was almost here, and yes, I am very excited it is here.

As I mentioned last time I did these recaps, please note that I’m writing from the perspective of someone who has read the books, but I will not spoil anything in the books that hasn’t yet happened in the show. If something happens differently in the show than it happens in the books, however, I may bring it up. Because I’m that person. Now let’s do this.

His Dark Materials picked a hell of a time to air its final episode of the season.

I mean… the week of Christmas? They expected me to go to this dark place when I was already having to deal with my relatives and traveling and food comas? Well. I didn’t watch this episode last week because of all of the aforementioned reasons, so I apologize that this final recap of the final episode is coming a week late. This one is going to be less of a recap of this episode and more of a reflection of this first season. With, yes, many thoughts about the final episode. Our journey has been a long one. Let’s wrap up season 1.

It’s time for a bear battle! Are you ready?

That’s right. The genre for this episode is BEAR BATTLE. But first, some other stuff happens. Let’s talk through it all and see how Lyra and friends are doing in this, the second to last episode of the season. That’s right, we’re already here.

Remember last week when I said each episode of His Dark Materials is its own genre? Yeah, this is the prison escape movie episode.

Unlike previous episodes where we jump around to check in on multiple storylines, the majority of this episode goes down in Bolvangar, the far north research facility where the Magisterium experiments on children. Yes, it’s as terrible as it sounds, and it’s a place that has been teased the entire season. So it makes sense that we’re stuck here for an episode. Like Lyra, we’re trapped in this place and are forced to reckon with exactly how awful it is. I’m just going to come out and say it. This was a really good episode. I got emotional. So let’s just get to it.

His Dark Materials is moving so fast that each episode almost seems like a different genre. What genre is this episode? I’ll let you decide at the end.

This episode is also the episode where we start truly delving into book 2 material. Part of me is like, “WHOA SLOW DOWN,” because I really wish this show was going to be three seasons instead of two. But part of me is SO EXCITED because The Subtle Knife is my favorite of the three books. So getting to meet Will Parry and be introduced to that part of the story is super cool, especially because this material has never been adapted for the screen before. But I could have waiting a bit longer for that payoff. I don’t know. I’m so excited I don’t know how to feel.

I’ll try to anyway, I guess.

Ooo boy… it’s panserbjørne time!

But before we get there… I have one quick thing to say. I just read that His Dark Materials is meant to cover the three books of the series in two 8 episode seasons. Say what? I feel… unsure about this decision. Here I was thinking we’d get about one season per book. But no, we’re just going to get this thing done, huh? I guess that explains the pacing (and the additional storylines that take us into book 2 territory) thus far. But still, I was really liking the parts of the story that the television show was adding. Hearing that they are cramming three books into two seasons means less room to do some of that additional world-building.

Oh well. It is what it is. I guess let’s talk about what happened this week. And let’s meet some armored bears, yeah?

It’s 2020, and as promised during our Riverdale Season 4 First Impressions post last year, we’re back, and we have opinions! As we luxuriate in these precious episodeless weeks between the first half of this trash fire of a season and the second half, we’re here to talk about what’s gone down so far, what is yet to go down, and whether or not it should be legal for this television show to exist at all.

Here at BSG headquarters, we have decided to engage in an act of communal self care and NOT recap the fourth season of Riverdale. We know that this is a huge disappointment to all five of the people who actually watch the show in real time and not when the entire season drops on Netflix over the summer, and we’re sorry. Of course, you know we can’t quit cold turkey, so here’s the plan: we will do three blog posts for Riverdale’s fourth season. This, the first, is our “season preview,” if you will. We’ve watched the first three episodes and have recorded our thoughts and predictions based on what’s gone down so far. We’ll check in again during the mid-season hiatus, and then we’ll post after the finale to see how everything stacks up and how truly unpredictable this show is. 

It's FINALLY here! The finale of Season three of Riverdale. Hard to imagine how much more bonkers it could get, but here we go...

In this episode, all the strands come together, so I'm going to do my best to go chronologically.

With Riverdale’s season finale airing tonight, we have a LOT of questions that still need to be answered — some of them stemming from last week’s episode, “The Dark Secret of Harvest House.” Here, we parse through the penultimate episode and make our final predictions about Season 3. Join us, won’t you? *cue cult chanting*

WELCOME BACK, RIVERDALIANS!

We’re nearing the home stretch of this season—and boy has it been a marathon. How will the writers wrap up this whole Gargoyle King plot? Let’s see if they can! In typical Mary fashion, I’ve split up this ep into groups of characters.

Hi everyone! We’re back with another dark, and I mean that literally, episode of Riverdale. So let’s dive right in.

After a short hiatus, Riverdale has returned with a bang! Or like, a sound, at least.

This week we got to check in on a number of plots, from the happenings at Edgar Evernever’s Farm to the latest G&G quest, and were even treated to an amateur boxing match at a teen-owned gym sponsored by a teen-owned speakeasy. Teens! They own stuff.

Let’s get on with our attempt to pull this apart.

Hello, Vixens!

We’re back in Riverdale this week, investigating drug dens, the mob, and weird cults. There’s a LOT to get to this week, so let’s just jump right in. We’re splitting up the recap into sections, covering one character at a time, so we can keep everything straight.

Here is the moment we've all been waiting for: the Heathers: The Musical episode of Riverdale...

Gabriella: Full disclosure, I've never seen Heathers: The Musical. I have seen the original film, however, so I was not really prepared for this episode — which I'm kind of glad about because I surprisingly really enjoyed it.

What exactly is the American Dream™?

After this episode, we’re no closer to figuring it out than Jughead is. Here’s what the American Dream isn’t: finding out that your mom is the new drug kingpin in town, or fighting a dozen different nerds convinced a board game has marked you for death, or moving out of your house because your mom has joined a cult, or, you know, breaking up with your servant/security detail/boy toy because he wants more than you’re willing to give him. Just to list a few random examples.

Allegedly, ANTM will have a Cycle 25 and it will air “sometime in 2019.” Well, Tyra, I’m all out of patience, and I’m here to get the smize ball rolling for you. It’s time to give the people what they want: another All-Star Cycle. So tooch your booties and dust off your signature walk because I’m giving you the All-Star cast we all deserve.

Final Four. Again. But FOR REAL for real this time. No, seriously. We mean it now.

Remember Philipp-with-too-many-Ps Plein from the last panel? The guy who seems like he totally only became a designer because he wanted to bang models (but only the skinny ones)? Yeah, we get to spend some serious time with this guy in the finale. 

Picking up right from last week’s judging, the final four (round three) go straight to Phillipp Plein’s (hereafter referred to as PP because I don’t have energy for this douchebag) studio to do their fitting for his runway show.  

Shanice on the bus ride there: “I just want them to pick a winner.” Girl, so do we.

 Well, we’re back again for the REAL final four since Jeana has replaced Rio in the house. I’m getting impatient though. Let’s cut it down to three and get this runway show on the road.

Tyra Mail is bonkers as usual. She teases the challenge by asking: “What do cotton candy, a squirt gun, and a fan have in common?” They all think it’s a carnival. Which makes almost no sense because only cotton candy is relevant to that. But what do I know?

Forget March Madness. This is the only Final Four that matters. We're down to Rio, Khrystyana, Kyla, and Shanice. Let's do this.

Selfie Mail from Tyra says they’re gonna “take a walk in the real world” and everyone’s just like “thank god we get out of this house.”